Random start to a story...

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tamtamkitty07

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Face it, the world will always be divided and spilt. There’s never going to be “everyone” but rather “Them, and them.” It seems no one can ever be treated equally. It’s not always just nationality, but even age, gender, and cliques. I too have dwelt into this mindless way of life, but never took it seriously.

Like the rest of the world, our town is divided amongst those who are worthy enough, and of course, I wasn’t up to par. I guess was always behind on gossip, latest trends, and everything a normal teenager was supposed to know. I was up on all my studies and still exceeding, but intelligence is no longer a factor in the social chart.

Ignoring these issues just isn’t an option, so I try to fit in. If all I needed was just a friend, why do they, a huge social circle, seem to expect more?

Based on my thoughts, I think that this whole thing is not a matter of equality, just me trying to be equal. Why is it that even I have fallen to their level, when know I can be better than this?

Their comments and critique are aimed at those like myself, who try to rise above the rest. I feel myself falling each time, giving up and letting go. I can finally say I have given up, and there is no more hope left.

My name is Mayla Armstrong, and I am a social reject.

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It just kind of came to me randomly, and I thought I could share it with you guys. It's late here, so sorry if it sucks. If it could be the start of a story, that could be like the intro, and maybe into the story she could run away or something.. I don't know, but comments and fix ups and things like that. :wacko:

 
I suppose it's pretty good. But I don't really like the viewpoint of it. It's all "them" and I just don't like that perspective. It's almost like shouting out at everyone the faults in THEIR society- when your character is obviously a part of the society too.

I don't think people should ever view a situation like this- it's not very healthy for someone to think they have a clear view of everything. I think the best excuse someone could have is if they took psychology as a college course, and those people are trained to think rationally so one would assume they already know not to think in this manner and try not to. (The wheels go round...)

You have a few tenses in there which hurt my brain a little bit. We know that present tense is horribly choppy and makes a book impossible to read, yeah? I think there are a few in there that need revising.

Your story also has a sort of mary sue hint to it. I mean, my mary sue alarm is not screaming and flashing at me, which is a good thing. But think about it. Your character really doesn't need to proclaim their intellegence and call the rest of the social structure stupid. Yeah.. Doesn't really sound so great when I say it. There's also a hint of self-insert.

I also don't find the entire social structure capable of being explained in 5 paragraphs, and I find your character rather oversensitive. (That's just the general impression.)

This story seems to have just this whole.. I dunno, over exaggerated tone to it. Discriptive is nice, but there is an overdiscripitive and sometimes you just have to say something straight. Again, you don't tip the scales like a hunk of lead, just something to watch out for.

I hope I had something worthwhile in there. >__0

 
I agree totaly with Pyonchit. It seems kind of, I don't know, almost unrealist. Kind of... o.o;

I'll just leave the technical stuff to Pyonchit. ^^;

 
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