Trouble again.

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TamaTae

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This is my story, trouble again. Ch.2 isn't finished yet though, telll me what you thik.

Riley sat in the plane, her pale arms crossed over her legs, Dylan was on one side of her, Jack on the other, they were bickering over something, like they had been for the past hour or so. Finally she got up she moved Patrick away from the window seat, she plopped down. Being one of the only girls on a plane filled with eleven guys wasn’t easy. The pilot looked back at her “Sit down or this plane is going down Miss.” He warned her, for the third time. They were on a trip for school, they were going to Hawaii for a trip, they were learning about tropical fish and stuff. It was also for the end of the year party. She looked at Nikki, she looked at Riley with her brown eyes with fake sympathy, and then turned to Brenda, who laughed hysterically, Riley shrugged. She hated Nikki she was a stuck up person, she hated those people. “Hey Riley!” Brian shouted really loud, from the row behind her “Stop Brian!” she slapped him playfully, but he grabbed her arm, being that she was sitting down it was quiet painful, “Owwww! Brian!” Riley twisted, he just tightened his grip. She finally stopped struggling, Brian let go, at that moment she slapped him and grabbed his ear, “Owwww! Riley!” she smirked. “MISS!” screeched the pilot; Nikki smirked at Riley, as if she was glad that she had gotten in trouble, again. Jack and Dylan were gone for a few seconds, Brain sat down next to Riley, rubbing his cheek harshly. “Ow. Riles that hurt.” Riley rolled her eyes, Brian looked frustrated “RILES!” Riley turned her head to look at the window, a longing look in her eyes. “Him?” Brian murmured, his high spirits falling quickly. Riley turned her head to look back at Brian she shook her head “No…” she took a deep breath, “Its Jake isn’t it?” Riley nodded. Brian sighed “Riley he dumped you for, Nikki.” Riley looked at Nikki who was feeding plane crackers to Jake, she looked straight at Riley and smirked. Brain looked at Brenda and shook his head then turned to Riley who was fiddling with her long braid; Brain took the string of hair and threw it over Riley’s shoulder “Riley.” Brain poked her “Poke.” Riley looked at Brain “Poke.” She shoved him off the seat, sending him onto the planes floor, at that moment the plane shook, Brenda and Nikki screamed, Riley grabbed Brain and heaved him up from the floor, he looked like he was going to freak out. Riley grabbed Brain’s arm, Brain looked at Riley who was looking out the window, she screamed and clamped her hands around Brian’s arm, Brian winced “What’s wrong?” he asked her, grabbing her hand off his arm and put it back towards her, Riley looked down through the window “Water…” she looked dazed as she whispered that, Brian looked out the window, his blue eyes matched the water perfectly, Riley grabbed his hand and squeezed it, Brain grabbed her cheeks and turned her head towards him, her cheeks were stained with tears, “Were going to be fine, ok?” Riley sniffed and nodded, Brenda and Nikki stopped screaming long enough to say “Oh look the baby is crying.” They laughed “Awwwww…” Brian glared at them harshly “Aw, look her boyfriend is standing up for her.” They got up and stood next to their seats; they pointed their fingers and said “Mess with me I’ll mess you up.” Riley got up; never letting her hand leave Brian’s and walked right up to Nikki’s face “Is that a threat?” Nikki laughed “Absolutely.” “GIRLS!” screamed the pilot, the plane jerked, Nikki fell into the seat behind her, Brenda on top of her, Riley fell onto the floor, letting go of Brian. “May I help you?” Riley looked up, Jake was holding his hand out to her, Brian started “Ri-“but stopped, Riley had stood up and came right up to Jake’s face, Jake smirked then kissed her Riley pulled back, she grabbed his shirt, her fist grasped so tight the shirt ripped, she shoved him into Brenda, who was still on top of Nikki, “Mess with me I’ll mess you up.” She said, snapping her fingers in a Z-Formation she smirked and sat back down next to Brian. And gripped the seat, “Riley?” Riley looked at Brian “Yeah?” she murmured, beginning to tremble wildly. “Here,” He said, taking off his necklace, it had a dog tag that said ‘Always there, never give up’ on it. He slipped it around her neck, “Brian! Were going to be fine!” She hugged him. Brian looked at her, suddenly everything went black, pitch back

 

. Riley woke up, she blinked, she was about 15 feet from a shore, she swam until she could stand. She sat down on shore, she found herself looking at the dog tag, she stood up “Brian?” she looked around and started running down the beach “BRIAN?!” she screamed. “Give it up.” Was the harsh reply, Nikki stepped out of the bushes on the side of Riley “He didn’t make it.” Riley backed up a step, then shook her head rapidly back and forth “No, no NO!” she stepped back a few more paces grabbing the dog tag and ripping it off her neck, she threw it down and ran. Nikki picked up the dog tag “I am always here..” Nikki looked up and shook her head, wondering where the other plane was. Riley sat down further down the beach, unable to see Nikki; she wondered where Brenda was, and even more where Brian was. “Briannnnn…” she wailed, she looked at herself in the water, knee length Red hair with silver streaks that was always in a braid, hazel eyes, jeans, t-shirt and flip flops. She sighed and fiddled with her braid, she threw it behind her back, “I saw what you did, that was a fool thing to do.” Riley whipped her head around, suddenly it hit her, “You.” She murmured “Me what?” was the reply, “You- You…” Jake was laughing now “Me what? Spit it out girl!” “You saw me take off the dog tag! Where is it?” she screamed, slapping him across the face. Jake smiled “Brian is gone, who cares about him anymore.” She twitched and pulled her hands away, “WHERE IS THE DOG TAG?” Riley screamed, “I DON’T KNOW!” he muttered “GO FIND IT!” She ordered, pulling her arms away from him. “Make me!” he said, grabbing her hands again, Riley screamed something before she kicked his legs, tripping him, spun him around and shoved him into the ocean “YOU ARE HERE AND HE ISNT!” she spat before running off down the beach, crying.

 

Chapter 2

 

Brian woke up, he rubbed his head “Ow…” he muttered, “Riley?” he murmured, “RILEY!” he started to swim to shore, he found the broken dog tag near the shore “Riley.” He murmured, he tied it back together and slipped it around his neck. He set off down the beach, but in the opposite direction of where Riley and the others were.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Hehe, sorry bout that, I wasgonna click blue then change it to black, but I clicked purple.

So, any other comments?

 
Be warned, I've got high standards.

If you don't like my critique, you should probably think about what you really want when you post a story: improvement or mindless praise. I critique to help people, not to hurt their feelings and I don't tell people they're perfect when they aren't. I'm honestly not being harsh, though I may sound so.

Okay, so your stories are better then the majority of fanfiction, and they're better then most of the stuff on here. But there's more out there to aim for.

I think that most writers should start out with short stories. You know, ones with meanings or whatnot. Authors don't just write a book like that.

I think that you're introducing too many people at one time without a visual description of any sort. There's really not much of a visual description anywhere except once. They're talking like in a script, and I don't feel the flow of a story.

There's little to no character development for anyone besides our main character, and she's not even that well depicted. We don't know anything about our characters then Riley's oppinion on them.

Stuck on an island is the oldest gag in the book. Your story seems to be a romantisized high school story mushed with an island. I don't think I'm going to feel any meaning in the story when I'm done.

Honestly, you need to use less "she's" starting out ever phrase.

Riley woke up, she blinked, she was about 15 feet from a shore, she swam until she could stand. She sat down on shore, she found herself looking at the dog tag, she stood up.

Here is my proofreading for your story. You should consider proofreading your stuff using word or a beta-reader. My corrections are in red, although after a while I gave up on all the periods.

---

Riley sat in the plane, her pale arms crossed over her legs. Dylan was on one side of her, Jack on the other, they were bickering over something, like they had been for the past hour or so. Finally she got up she moved Patrick away from the window seat, she plopped down. Being one of the only girls on a plane filled with eleven guys wasn’t easy.

The pilot looked back at her “Sit down or this plane is going down, Miss,” he warned her for the third time.

(For better flow, add a transition between these two subjects.)

They were on a trip for school, they were going to Hawaii for a trip, they were learning about tropical fish and stuff. It was also for the end of the year party. She looked at Nikki, she looked at Riley with her brown eyes with fake sympathy, and then turned to Brenda, who laughed hysterically, Riley shrugged. She hated Nikki she was a stuck up person, she hated those people.

“Hey Riley!” Brian shouted really loud, from the row behind her.

“Stop [it?] Brian!” she slapped him playfully, but he grabbed her arm, being that she was sitting down it was quiet painful.

“Owwww! Brian!” Riley twisted, he just tightened his grip. She finally stopped struggling, Brian let go, at that moment she slapped him and grabbed his ear.

“Owwww! Riley!” she smirked.

“MISS!” screeched the pilot; Nikki smirked at Riley, as if she was glad that she had gotten in trouble, again. Jack and Dylan were gone for a few seconds, Brain sat down next to Riley, rubbing his cheek harshly.

“Ow. Riles, that hurt.” Riley rolled her eyes. Brian looked frustrated.

“RILES!” Riley turned her head to look at the window, a longing look in her eyes.

“Him?” Brian murmured, his high spirits falling quickly. Riley turned her head to look back at Brian. She shook her head.

“No…” she took a deep breath.

“Its Jake isn’t it?” Riley nodded. Brian sighed “Riley, he dumped you for Nikki.” Riley looked at Nikki who was feeding plane crackers to Jake, she looked straight at Riley and smirked. Brain looked at Brenda and shook his head then turned to Riley who was fiddling with her long braid; Brain took the string of hair and threw it over Riley’s shoulder

“Riley.” Brain poked her. “Poke.”

Riley looked at Brain. “Poke.” She shoved him off the seat, sending him onto the planes floor, at that moment the plane shook. Brenda and Nikki screamed. Riley grabbed Brain and heaved him up from the floor, he looked like he was going to freak out. Riley grabbed Brain’s arm. Brain looked at Riley who was looking out the window, she screamed and clamped her hands around Brian’s arm. Brian winced.

“What’s wrong?” he asked her, grabbing her hand off his arm and put it back towards her, Riley looked down through the window

“Water…” she looked dazed as she whispered that, Brian looked out the window, his blue eyes matched the water perfectly, Riley grabbed his hand and squeezed it, Brain grabbed her cheeks and turned her head towards him, her cheeks were stained with tears.

“We're going to be fine, ok?” Riley sniffed and nodded.

Brenda and Nikki stopped screaming long enough to say, “Oh look, the baby is crying.” They laughed. “Awwwww…” Brian glared at them harshly.

“Aw, look her boyfriend is standing up for her.” They got up and stood next to their seats; they pointed their fingers and said “Mess with me I’ll mess you up.” Riley got up; never letting her hand leave Brian’s and walked right up to Nikki’s face

“Is that a threat?” Nikki laughed “Absolutely.”

“GIRLS!” screamed the pilot, the plane jerked, Nikki fell into the seat behind her, Brenda on top of her, Riley fell onto the floor, letting go of Brian.

“May I help you?” Riley looked up, Jake was holding his hand out to her,

Brian started “Ri-“but stopped, Riley had stood up and came right up to Jake’s face, Jake smirked then kissed her Riley pulled back, she grabbed his shirt, her fist grasped so tight the shirt ripped, she shoved him into Brenda, who was still on top of Nikki,

“Mess with me I’ll mess you up.” She said, snapping her fingers in a Z-Formation.(I will point out that snapping your fingers in a Z formation is extremely obnoxious.) She smirked and sat back down next to Brian, and gripped the seat,

“Riley?” Riley looked at Brian

“Yeah?” she murmured, beginning to tremble wildly. “

Here,” He said, taking off his necklace, it had a dog tag that said ‘Always there, never give up’ on it. He slipped it around her neck. (Sentimental jewlry is on the checklist for mary sue characters.)

“Brian! Were going to be fine!” She hugged him. Brian looked at her, suddenly everything went black, pitch back

Riley woke up, she blinked, she was about 15 feet from a shore, she swam until she could stand. She sat down on shore, she found herself looking at the dog tag, she stood up.

“Brian?” she looked around and started running down the beach. “BRIAN?!” she screamed.

“Give it up.” Was the harsh reply, Nikki stepped out of the bushes on the side of Riley “He didn’t make it.” Riley backed up a step, then shook her head rapidly back and forth.

“No, no NO!” she stepped back a few more paces grabbing the dog tag and ripping it off her neck, she threw it down and ran. Nikki picked up the dog tag .

“I am always here..” Nikki looked up and shook her head, wondering where the other plane was. Riley sat down further down the beach, unable to see Nikki; she wondered where Brenda was, and even more where Brian was.

“Briannnnn…” she wailed, she looked at herself in the water, knee length Red hair with silver streaks(Another mary sue check.) that was always in a braid, hazel eyes, jeans, t-shirt and flip flops. She sighed and fiddled with her braid, she threw it behind her back,

“I saw what you did, that was a fool thing to do.” Riley whipped her head around, suddenly it hit her.

“You.” She murmured.

“Me what?” was the reply.

“You- You…” Jake was laughing now.

“Me what? Spit it out girl!”

“You saw me take off the dog tag! Where is it?” she screamed, slapping him across the face. Jake smiled .

“Brian is gone, who cares about him anymore.” She twitched and pulled her hands away,

“WHERE IS THE DOG TAG?” Riley screamed.

“I DON’T KNOW!” he muttered

“GO FIND IT!” She ordered, pulling her arms away from him.

“Make me!” he said, grabbing her hands again, Riley screamed something before she kicked his legs, tripping him, spun him around and shoved him into the ocean

“YOU ARE HERE AND HE ISNT!” she spat before running off down the beach, crying.

(Being overly bossy is a Mary sue point as well.)

Chapter 2

Brian woke up, he rubbed his head.

“Ow…” he muttered.

“Riley?” he murmured. “RILEY!” he started to swim to shore, he found the broken dog tag near the shore. “Riley.” He murmured, he tied it back together and slipped it around his neck. He set off down the beach, but in the opposite direction of where Riley and the others were.

 
Wow, First off you type alot, LOL;.

You have made many good points, I am starting another story as well, It wont be that long, I am also adinng onto this, That is the last of Ch.2, I am going to start ch.3 with moreof Rileys veiw on people, appearances and whatnot.

Thanks tons Pyonchit :lol:

TamaTae

 

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