My book!

Advertise with us
Shop deals on ebay
shop deals on amazon
TamaTalk

Help Support TamaTalk:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
B

Blue::Moon

Member
Joined
Sep 2, 2007
Messages
15
Reaction score
0
I am not sure if this is the right spot, but can someone please review my book I am writing? Thanks and Enjoy!

Nano yawned and woke up to the sound of a worried voice. "Please wake up," a small pokemon exclaimed. Nano eyed the pokemon with her frosty blue eyes, but she couldn't see. Her vision was blurred, and the creature looked like a ball of tan fur.

"Hmm? " She muttered.

"Great! Your awake! " The pokemon said.

Nano looked at him in disbelief. "What?! Did you just talk to me?" She asked.

"Are you feeling ok? Of course I just talked to you. " He said, "My name is Koda, nice to meet you, uhh.. " The small Eevee said.

"Nano," She said.

"Ok! Nice to meet you, Nano! " Koda said smiling.

Nano trotted over to a puddle of cold water and lapped some up. She looked at her reflection in the water and stumbled back. "WHAA?!" She exclaimed. "I-I'm a Poochyena!"

She turned around and looked at her fluffy tail.

Koda laughed as he watched Nano chase her tail.

Nano and Koda froze when a shrill scream was heard. A Delicatty dashed over to the two and looking like close to tears.

"Pl-Please help me! My poor baby was trapped when a fissure opened up! She is stuck, but I can't help. Pokemon are attacking!" She explained. Koda nodded and turned to Nano. "Nano, We have to help her! Please come with me!"

Nano nodded and replied. "Sure! I'll help!"

Koda and Nano ran off towards the cave. The entered and a Wurmple attacked them. Nano swiped at it, fainting it. They continued on until thew reached a crack leading down. They carefully stepped down and saw a Skitty huddling in a corned. Koda stepped forward and spoke softly to the young pokemon. " Come on, we'll help you out of here."" The Skitty nodded and stood up. She followed Nano and Koda hung back, watching for any pokemon. They climbed out of the cave, and Skitty ran over to her mom.

"Thank You! Thank you very much for helping me!"

Nano and Koda smiled and nodded. "Your welcome!" Nano replied. The Delicatty and Skitty ran off, leaving Nano and Koda alone.

That was Chapter 1. I am aiming for about 6-7 chapters. Hope you liked it so far!

 
Wow! Good use of Colours I see!

Lots of nice describtive words. And I good topic. I can infer your into pokemon :)

It really attracts the person who is reading into the story. And that is great! It makes you want to keep going, because you made it mysterious. I think its a job well done!

I like it when you did this:

Nano eyed the pokemon with her frosty blue eyes, but she couldn't see.
Click to expand...
Good job! Keep going! I encourage you!

-KG-

EDIT*: Mistakes

 
Last edited by a moderator:
In my opinion, the story is a little weak.

When you begin a story, you usually have to show the history of your character. I didn't understand it because I had no idea who Nano was, WHY she was turned into a pokemon, and the Delicatty talking about her baby was so....random? If your thinking of turning it into a book, I suggest making MUCH longer chapters, and describe ALOT more. Its a good start...but it needs work. For exmaple, in the fight scene you really didn't tell us what exactly happened. It just felt like the fight wasn't really a ''fight'' per se. It should have been more action packed like;

''Koda and Nano, feeling excited, sprinted towards the cave. When they entered, they each went into a stance, ready to pounce. Koda moved his foot, and accidently stepped on a branch. The Wurmple, who was closing in on the frighetend Skitty, quickly turned around at the sound. When it saw Nano and Koda standing there, he began attacking the two. Koda jumped on top of the Wurmple, bringing it down. Nano raised her paw, ready to swipe, but before she could the Wurmple squirmed out of Koda's grab and ran off. Nano smiled with satisfaction. ''I think I scared him good!'' she said. Koda walked over to the Skitty, and put out his paw. ''Come on. We'll get you out of here.'' The Skitty, who still looked scared, nodded and tip-toed out the cave, keeping a small distance from Koda and Nano. But, when it saw the Delicatty, her face lit with happiness and ran towards her mother.''

I would type more but I'm out of time.

 
In my opinion, the story is a little weak.
When you begin a story, you usually have to show the history of your character. I didn't understand it because I had no idea who Nano was, WHY she was turned into a pokemon, and the Delicatty talking about her baby was so....random? If your thinking of turning it into a book, I suggest making MUCH longer chapters, and describe ALOT more. Its a good start...but it needs work. For exmaple, in the fight scene you really didn't tell us what exactly happened. It just felt like the fight wasn't really a ''fight'' per se. It should have been more action packed like;

''Koda and Nano, feeling excited, sprinted towards the cave. When they entered, they each went into a stance, ready to pounce. Koda moved his foot, and accidently stepped on a branch. The Wurmple, who was closing in on the frighetend Skitty, quickly turned around at the sound. When it saw Nano and Koda standing there, he began attacking the two. Koda jumped on top of the Wurmple, bringing it down. Nano raised her paw, ready to swipe, but before she could the Wurmple squirmed out of Koda's grab and ran off. Nano smiled with satisfaction. ''I think I scared him good!'' she said. Koda walked over to the Skitty, and put out his paw. ''Come on. We'll get you out of here.'' The Skitty, who still looked scared, nodded and tip-toed out the cave, keeping a small distance from Koda and Nano. But, when it saw the Delicatty, her face lit with happiness and ran towards her mother.''

I would type more but I'm out of time.
Click to expand...
Thank you all alot! I will probably try to make things more descriptive, and show the fightscenes. This is my first book, so thanks for the comments. I hope that soon I could add more chapters and details.

 
I agree with TamaGirl_Desy. Be a little more descriptive, and explain the characters. Or start with talking then move on.

 

I write stories all the time and it takes me a solid 2-3 chapters to describe people. (But my chapters are seriously small e_e

 
I am not sure if this is the right spot, but can someone please review my book I am writing? Thanks and Enjoy!


  Nano yawned and woke up to the sound of a worried voice. "Please wake up," a small pokemon exclaimed. Nano eyed the pokemon with her frosty blue eyes, but she couldn't see. Her vision was blurred, and the creature looked like a ball of tan fur.

  "Hmm? " She muttered.

  "Great! Your awake! " The pokemon said.

Nano looked at him in disbelief. "What?! Did you just talk to me?" She asked.

  "Are you feeling ok? Of course I just talked to you. " He said, "My name is Koda, nice to meet you, uhh.. " The small Eevee said.

  "Nano," She said.

  "Ok! Nice to meet you, Nano! " Koda said smiling.

Nano trotted over to a puddle of cold water and lapped some up. She looked at her reflection in the water and stumbled back. "WHAA?!" She exclaimed. "I-I'm a Poochyena!"

She turned around and looked at her fluffy tail.

Koda laughed as he watched Nano chase her tail.

    Nano and Koda froze when a shrill scream was heard. A Delicatty dashed over to the two and looking like close to tears.

"Pl-Please help me! My poor baby was trapped when a fissure opened up! She is stuck, but I can't help. Pokemon are attacking!" She explained. Koda nodded and turned to Nano. "Nano, We have to help her! Please come with me!"

Nano nodded and replied. "Sure! I'll help!"

  Koda and Nano ran off towards the cave. They entered and Koda took off, but stumbled over a large root and landed in a pile of twigs and leaves, making a cracking noise. A Wurmple turned around and snuck up on Nano. It lunged and latched itself to her back. She shrieked in terror and thrashed around, trying to shake it loose. Koda stood up, shaking himself off. "Nano," Koda yelled. "Hold still!" Nano listened and stood still. That gave him enough time to charge foreward, sinking his teeth into Wurmple. The Wurmple screeched and struggled out of his grip. It dashed and Nano shook herself off, her heart still pounding. "Thanks, Koda" She said. Koda grinned and replied, "No Problem!" They continued on until they reached a crack leading down. They carefully stepped down and saw a Skitty huddling in a corned. Koda stepped forward and spoke softly to the young pokemon. " Come on, we'll help you out of here."" The trembling Skitty nodded and stood up. She  followed Nano, still terrefied, but Koda hung back, watching for any pokemon. They climbed out of the cave, and Skitty ran over to her mom, delighted.

  "Thank You! Thank you very much for helping me!"

Nano and Koda smiled and nodded. "Your welcome!" Nano replied. The Delicatty and Skitty ran off, leaving Nano and Koda alone.

That was Chapter 1. I am aiming for about 6-7 chapters. Hope you liked it so far!
Click to expand...
I edited it, so it should be slightly better. Here comes Chapter two! Hehe (No colors this time..)

Nano grinned. "We did it!!" She exclaimed. Koda smiled and replied.

"You did awesome!" He replied. Nano yawned and flopped down. Koda smiled and said, "I'll let you sleep, se you tomorrow!" He ran of, and Nano sleepliy stood up. She managed to stumble over to a large leaf and flop down, sheltered by the plant. She went to sleep almost instantly.

Nano walked out of school, trying to listen to what her friend was telling her. She wasn't paying much attention, for today was her 12th birthday. Her friend finished and looked at her suspiciously. "Were you even listening?" She damanded.

Nano snapped out of her daydream and looked at her. "Sort of." She said and ran off. "Bye, see you tommorrow!!" She called ofer her shoulder. Nano sped down the sidewalk, dodging sprinklers, and jumping over barking dogs. She stepped on a furry tail, causing a yelp to emerge from the bushes. She skidded to a halt and cautiously peered into the bushes. Red eyes glared back at her and she stumbled back. "Huh??" She mumbled as a beautiful Ninetails revealed itself. It had a creamy coat with one of it's tails now mud-stained. It glared back at her and Nano ran off, not looking back. She entered her yard, and opened the door. She peered around and sighed. She saw a small note on the kitchen counter. She read it and trudged upstairs, flopping on her bed. She opened up a book but soon dozed off. She tossed and turned all night long and didn't get any sleep. She jolted awake the next morning, seeing a small pokemon above her.

Nano woke up, and gazed around her. The sun rose and she was puzzled about her dream ladt night. She pushed it in the back of her mind and ate a few berries. She waited by the meadeow after breakfast for Koda.

 

Latest posts

Back
Top