Do you like my story so far?

The Shadow Amulet

She laid her small head in his lap, her hair flying all over in the wind. Her necklace shined as the moonlight hit it. He stroked her soft hair. “Saphire…” the boy paused and removed a piece of hair from his eyes. “Saphire… you know we can’t stay here forever, your kingdom needs you… no matter how much I need you.” He looked down, “Saphire?” he asked, but she was already asleep. He stood up, careful not to bang her head. The boy walked into a clearing. As soon as her whistled a beautiful white wolf cam running to him. “Whisper….” He stroked the wolf’s soft ears. “I am only leaving for a day…. Take care of Sapphire.” And with this he swung himself onto his black horse and galloped off.

It's a pretty good start I'd say but it needs some work.

There were a few errors.

1) Make sure to indent the paragraphs.

2) Dialog always starts a new paragraph.

3) "He stood up, careful not to bang her head"- it was going great and then bam! That just didn't fit with the story in my opinion. Try something more graceful than 'bang'.

4) I think you used to many '....'- try to end the sentence, even dialog, better or at least finish the sentence and place just one period.

5) Try to use other words in place of 'said'. It adds more color and creates a better tone then he said she said.

I think there were at least one or more commas that needed to be in there but wasn't.

Revise it a bit and it will make for a good story. ;]