new story tell me is you lie it...

ok i don't think my last story was that much of a hit with you guyz, oh well i decided to make a new one tell me what you think.

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Prolouge:

"See ya" Dominic waved back at her friends. She was just about to walk home from school on her normal route, but he was stopped by the sight of a construction sight going on. "I'll never get around that," Dominic sighed. He didn't know what to do he had never taken any other route, and being the average 15 year old boy he really couldn't be bothered looking another one. He decided to stroll up to the construction sight to see if there was any possible way to get around it, but unfortuantely there wasn't. "dang" he mumbled to himself as he shook his head.

Just at that moment something caught his eye. He turned his whole body right to face the thing that intrigued him so much. It was a street but one he had never seen before. "Although I've never seen dat street," he thought taking a step forward, "it couldn't possibly hurt for me to see if it leads home." He whisperd to himself and he began walking down the dead street.

"Where is everyone?" he asked, but there was no one there to reply. Dominic, showing no fear, walked almost silently down the abandoned street, with his brown locks and unusual necklace shaped as a key, swayed in the wind. As he walked he saw every house he passed. "Surely there has to be an opening somewhere for me to jump across to my house." he thought curiously. As he scanned the street he still didn't see a opening.

He stopped and sighed, but his sigh was cut short when he realised where he stopped. He was standing infront of a very old house. "Woah," he spoke "that's one creepy house." He looked at it up and down noticing the fine details, from the old dusty cobwebs that hanged from the stone gargoils, to the large rusted knocker that hanged on the door.

Dominic diverted his attention the a large window on the upper floor of the house. He couldn't see inside be longe taterd white curtains hanged infront of it. He stared harder by squinting his eyes at the old window and he saw a girl blended in with the curtains. "Woah shes really..." but his mumble was cut short by the sight of the girl mouth two words. But Dominic couldn't make out what she whispered.

On an impulse Dominic felt himself feel couragous and bold and he mumbled himself, "I will..." but he was suprised at what he just said so he brushed it off and continued to walk home.

OK dat was 1st chappy please tell me should i continue and i need a name for da story to so please suggestions and reviews ^^ thankies

- ~*.:Elmo:.*~

Mistakes. Bad mistakes,

"See ya" Dominic waved back at her friends. She was just about to walk home from school on her normal route, but he was stopped by the sight of a construction sight going on. "I'll never get around that," Dominic sighed. He didn't know what to do he had never taken any other route, and being the average 15 year old boy he really couldn't be bothered looking another one. He decided to stroll up to the construction sight to see if there was any possible way to get around it, but unfortuantely there wasn't. "dang" he mumbled to himself as he shook his head.

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Dominic is a she then the next min a he? Thats strange... ^_^

Well, I see that you have an interesting idea although I think sometimes it isnt always organized as well as it could be. You are wonderfully descriptive with some times, like his hair and necklace blowing in the wind, but offer little description on some more key things like this strange street. what does it look like? it is a long street? is there a sign saying the street name?

Also something I noticed was you use some words more than you need to. Like 'hanged' which is an awkward word to begin with. Use synonyms if you need to. A thesaurus is a writers best friend.

Don't give up, just keep organized, clear, descriptive when you need to be (which isnt always) and keep writing. The more you write the more defined your work will become.

Send me a PM when you add more, I'd like to read it.

Well, I see that you have an interesting idea although I think sometimes it isnt always organized as well as it could be. You are wonderfully descriptive with some times, like his hair and necklace blowing in the wind, but offer little description on some more key things like this strange street. what does it look like? it is a long street? is there a sign saying the street name? Also something I noticed was you use some words more than you need to. Like 'hanged' which is an awkward word to begin with. Use synonyms if you need to. A thesaurus is a writers best friend.

Don't give up, just keep organized, clear, descriptive when you need to be (which isnt always) and keep writing. The more you write the more defined your work will become.

Send me a PM when you add more, I'd like to read it.

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You about said it all, Trilby. There's good foundation, but the wording could use some work. ln my opinion the best way to become a better writer is read. Pay attention to how the authors word and describe things. Hope this helps!

Number one, is Dominic a girl or a boy? You started with she and her, then continued with he and his.

Second, this story is kind of jumpy. Slow down a little, and write using more detail.

Number one, is Dominic a girl or a boy? You started with she and her, then continued with he and his.Second, this story is kind of jumpy. Slow down a little, and write using more detail.

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I agree. Though its not your fault .:elmo:..