Is My Story Ok?

INTRO

Ever since I was born, I was a little "different", At least thats what my Mom said. Me? I consider myself a freak.

You see, I have this strange ability, I can turn invisible. I have control over this power, but occasionally, I just kind of "Slip Away".

My name is Tompson, I'm twelve, and I got to Lakewin Middle School, I live in a small bungalow, and that is where the story begins.

*Beep Beep Beep Beep BEEP* I could hear the ringing of an alarm in my ears. "Shut up! Immawakeee." I mumbled. I yawned, and smacked my alarm. As I slipped out of bed I could hear my Mom yelling to my sister, Claire, probably about wearing too much makeup.

I rubbed my eyes and stumbled down the hall, feeling my way around, I couldn't open my eyes, I was too tired. I shuffled into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, grabbed a towel, and looked into the mirror. Aw Man! My dark brown hair was matted to my fore head, I swore, a little bit to loudly it seems.

"TOMPSON MONTRAG! DO YOU NEED TO WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP?" Mom. "Wasn't me Mum" I replied cleverly "It was Ben!" I always made my sixteen year old brother take the blame.

"BENJAMIN! YOU GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!" I could hear Ben groaning as he walked down the hall. He stopped when he got to the bathroom, which I inhabited. "freakin idiot!" He yelled, as he smacked my head. "OW! Y'FREAK!" Ben Laughed.

Mmm. I was so hungry. I raced down the stairs, tripping Ben as I ran by. I passed Claire on my way to the kitchen. Yep. Eyeliner all over her eyes. Girls. "What are you looking at? You little fungus!" She shrieked "That hideus blob you have on your head!" Claire screamed and through herself into the bathroom. Tompson, I thought, you are so smart.

When I got to the kitchen I slammed myself down into a chair and grabbed the cereal, stuffing handfuls in my mouth at a time. "Tom!" My mom shook her head "We arent barbarians!"

I nodded and sauntered over to the living room, where I sat down on our rock hard sofa.

Only Mum knew about my secret power. Everyone else, including my Father, were clueless. Speaking of Dad, I could hear him yelling at the twins. I skipped awkwardly into the Family Room, where, sure enough, was Dad. And Of course, he was yelling at Samantha and Robbie, the twin seven year olds. Apparently, they were kicking each other.

Dad was yelling for them to stop, but the idiots didn't listen. Dad's short fuse blew, he exploded into a rage of fiery anger, whipping what he had in his hands at the two, luckily for them, it happened to be a newspaper, so they weren't injured.

I laughed and picked up my school bag, and walked towards the door, as I left I could hear the shrieking of my four siblings, and my parents nagging each other. Well....

Welcome to my life..

What do you think? This is just an intro, Is my writing style ok?

Yeah it's great. People like different kinds of writing styles. It can be the author talking about the person or the persons point of view. Nice opening sentence.

Haha I like it, I think it's good.

You write sorta like me, 1st person always gives the mst grueling honesty. :]

[btw LOVE YOUR AVIE! *drools in Petey goodness*

xDD Ya, I love making the person tell the story.

Pete. <3 OMG, Well, I haven't asked my parents, but I really want to get a Clandenstine shirt from Pete! Yaaay!

That is wonderful! I can't wait until you write other chapters.

xDD Ya, I love making the person tell the story.
Pete. <3 OMG, Well, I haven't asked my parents, but I really want to get a Clandenstine shirt from Pete! Yaaay!

Click to expand...

Baahaa! CLAN. MERCH.!

The only thing I have is a Clan. bat necklace. My mom doesn't trust online stores.

ANYWAYS just a reminder, write out the numbers 1-10. Like if you have 6, write six instead.

My teacher always bugs me about it. xD

Yeah, it's good. But you keep making your words have capital letters and stuff, like when Ben calls Tompson a 'Freakin' Idiot' it loks weird.

Otherwise great work!

Best Wishes,

[[.x..barky..x.]]

INTRO
Ever since I was born, I was a little "different", At least thats what my Mom said. Me? I consider myself a freak.

You see, I have this strange ability, I can turn invisible. I have control over this power, but occasionally, I just kind of "Slip Away".

My name is Tompson, I'm 12, and I got to Lakewin Middle School, I live in a small bungalow, and that is where the story begins.

*Beep Beep Beep Beep BEEP* I could hear the ringing of an alarm in my ears. "Shut up! Immawakeee." I mumbled. I yawned, and smacked my alarm. As I slipped out of bed I could hear my Mom yelling to my sister, Claire, probably about wearing too much makeup.

I rubbed my eyes and stumbled down the hall, feeling my way around, I couldn't open my eyes, I was too tired. I shuffled into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, grabbed a towel, and looked into the mirror. Aw Man! My dark brown hair was matted to my fore head, I swore, a little bit to loudly it seems.

"TOMPSON MONTRAG! DO YOU NEED TO WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP?" Mom. "Wasn't me Mum" I replied cleverly "It was Ben!" I always made my 16 year old brother take the blame.

"BENJAMIN! YOU GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!" I could hear Ben groaning as he walked down the hall. He stopped when he got to the bathroom, which I inhabited. "Freakin Idiot!" He yelled, as he smacked my head. "OW! Y'FREAK!" Ben Laughed.

Mmm. I was so hungry. I raced down the stairs, tripping Ben as I ran by. I passed Claire on my way to the kitchen. Yep. Eyeliner all over her eyes. Girls. "What are you looking at? You little fungus!" She shrieked "That hideus blob you have on your head!" Claire screamed and through herself into the bathroom. Tompson, I thought, you are so smart.

When I got to the kitchen I slammed myself down into a chair and grabbed the cereal, grabbing handfuls at a time. "Tom!" My mom shook her head "We arent barbarians!"

I nodded and sauntered over to the living room, where I sat down on our rock hard sofa.

Only Mum knew about my secret power. Everyone else, including my Father, were clueless. Speaking of Dad, I could hear him yelling at the twins. I skipped awkwardly into the Family Room, where, sure enough, was Dad. And Of course, he was yelling at Samantha and Robbie, the twin 7 year olds. Apparently, they were kicking each other.

Dad was yelling for them to stop, but the idiots didn't listen. Dad's short fuse blew, he exploded into a rage of fiery anger, whipping what he had in his hands at the two, luckily for them, it happened to be a newspaper, so they weren't injured.

I laughed and picked up my school bag, and walked towards the door, as I left I could hear the shrieking of my 4 siblings, and my parents nagging each other. Well....

Welcome to my life..

What do you think? This is just an intro, Is my writing style ok?

Click to expand...

That was great, makes me want to read more. Please type more! :<

The only thing that caught me off guard was this:

When I got to the kitchen I slammed myself down into a chair and grabbed the cereal, grabbing handfuls at a time.

"grabbed the cereal, grabbing handfuls at a time."

Maybe you shouldn't have used grabbed and grabbing twice in one sentence, 'took' the cereal would have been better. It's just me, though.

Thanks for the comments, Chapter 1 will be on its way.

NOTE: I am a girl, and you have to understand how awkward it is for me to write from a boys perspective, and so the description of Jamie is horrid >.<

When I got off of the street I lived on, I plugged my headphones into my 80gb iPod nano and turned it on. I scrolled down to "The Take Over, The Breaks Over" by Fall Out Boy (Note from the author: <3) But it was so weird, the song wouldnt play. I tried again, and I heard this crackling message! All I could make out was as follows "You...symbols...else...grave.....ger....park...seven....tonight" Suddenly my iPod exploded in my hand! I shrieked my girlish scream and dropped it. When I looked on the ground my iPod was gone. I tried to forget about it, and continued walking to school.

I heard a yell from a friend "YO! Tom!" Jimmy called "Y'all musta dropped yer iPod?" Jimmy came running up beside me with my iPod in his hand!

"How did you do that?" I asked worried

"Yo playa! Whatchall getting at?" Jimmy laughed

"I dropped my iPod because it exploded!" I was in utter shock

"Well my homie, dem magic elves musta fixed it. Word" Jimmy shook his head.

And we kept walking to school, but I couldn't help but feel I was being watched... the entire way.

Once we got to school, me and Jimmy parted ways, as I was in 72, and he was in 71.

I went to my first period science class and took my seat next to the most popular girl in the entire seventh grade, Jamie Parr.

She's so pretty, she has dark brown hair, deep brown eyes... but of course she would never notice me. Thats what I thought until...

"Hey Tompson" Jamie said. Jamie said...to me?!?! I looked around to make sure she wasn't talking to me. Jamie Parr, talking to me?? =O

"Uhm... You Ok?" Jamie asked trying her best to look concerned.

"HELLO!" I yelled. What an IDIOT. I literally screamed it at the top of my lungs. PHEW! No one had heard me... either that or they didnt care.

"Uhm.... Ya? I know your kind of like a total smart nerd so can I ask you something?" Jamie rolled her eyes.

Oh good! She wasn't really talking to me, she was talking to my brains.

"S-sure!" I replied

"Well, this morning when I was walking to school, My iPod went all funny, it wouldn't play my songs! And all of a sudden I heard this man telling me to go to the park at seven tonight?What should I do?" She asked

"Uh... that happened to me, maybe we should both go to the park and see what's up?"

"Are you hitting on me."

"No no! Of course not!!"

"Alright, meet me at the park. 7:00 sharp."

Jamie smiled and looked up to the front as the teacher walked in.

The rest of the day a blur as all I could think about was the message, and Jamie. WONDERFULL JAMIE!

I walked back home, shoving the image of Jamie out of my mind, and replacing it with the vocals of that man on my iPod.

I tried to figure out what the mans message was for me, Jamie said nothing about a symbol?

I thought it out.... You are the symbol. Do what I say or else you are in grave danger. Meet me at the park at seven o'clock tonight.

I guess that made sence. I looked at the clock, 5:47 almost time for dinner. I looked at my self in the mirror and made my self dissapear. It's easy all I have to do is think " Uno, two, trois"

and *Poof* Im gone, to re appear I simply think "Natsuyasumi" It was weird, but I discovered it while in french, the students convinced Ms. Turb to count up to ten in random languages, I thought along, and saw myself in the mirror, I was gone!!

"Tompson!" My mom yelled "Diin--errr"

I ran out of my room and raced down the hall, I was starving!

Once I got to the kitchen I saw my mother was making meatloaf. Disgusting.

After dinner it was 6:53 and I told my mom I was going to do homework at Jimmy's house, but instead I took a right, and went to the park. I glanced at my watch. 6:58, good thing, I was at the park. I took a seat on one of the benches as Jamie came to the park. She waved....at me!!

She sat down next to me and we waited. When finally at 7:04 a man dressed in a trenchcoat showed up. I heard him smuffle a cruel laugh. He mumbled "Kids, get over hear." We got up, and walked toward the stanger like idiots, and he lunged from his seat, and grabbed Jamie!

I like it! It's going a little quick though, so slow down. ;]

Lmao! ARE YOU SAYING MY 80GIG BABY IS TRASH?! AND IT'S GOING TO EXPLODE?!

How rude. :]

xD xD

Keep going with this story though..

AND LEAVE MY BABY OUT OF IT!

J/K xD

XD great! A little fast....

ZOMG WRITE MORE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!! MUST...FIND....OUT...WHAT....HAPPENS..........TO JAMIE!!!!!11

I think it's really good! But it is going slightly fast... maybe make a few more events happen, and add more details. Then it might sound better. Another thing, what is 'I heard him smuffle a cruel' supposed to mean? Do you mean 'muffle a cruel laugh'?

Ya, Sorry, A cruel laugh, I just read over it "ZOMG! JAMIE HE LYK SMUFFLED A CRUEL!"

I love it! ^^

I like the point of view, and it seems like this Tompson guy is quite the character. Things are mvoing slightly fast, but it's still awesome!

Please write somemore soon.

Ya, Sorry, A cruel laugh, I just read over it "ZOMG! JAMIE HE LYK SMUFFLED A CRUEL!"

Click to expand...

Oh, okay got it. Thanks!

Chpt. 2

Jamie screamed, so I knew we were in trouble. Hey, But this was my time to shine, my time to get the girl I loved to know me as a hero, not a worthless turd!

"Hey! Freak!' I yelled at the man "How about you let go, and go back to the garbage can you live in!" Uh-oh, I gave myself a mental slap, why do I always say the wrong thing?!

The man froze "What did you just say" Trying not to lose my cool I replied

"You heard me"

The man laughed and dropped Jamie, but holding her back down with his foot.

"Tompson!! Helpp meee!" Jamie squealed in horror

I took a deep breath and said the spell, I looked down at my legs, they were gone. I smiled, Yes, it worked!!

I heard the man say "Heh- What the? Where are you?"

As I heard him say this I yelled "Over here loser"

The man charged at where I was standing, thought he obviously couldn't see me.

I jumped on his back and pulled off his sunglasses

"Hey doofus! Not so cool now are we?" I taunted

The man grumbled and grabbed me off his back, he stood there, unable to see me, and the whole time Jamie lied in shock.

"Don't worry, I get you out of here!" I murmered to her.

I grabbed Jamies soft hand, and pulled, but the man was 3 times my size, so I was not no match for him.

"Hey Kid! Shut up and go home!" He whispered through gritted teeth.

"I will as soon as you tell me why your here." I stated plainly.

"You had your chance." The man nodded, and suddenly, a black car pulled up to the front of the park.

He laughed at me and bent down to pick up Jamie. She was screaming, and I knew he was going to kidnap her so I did the only thing I could think of.

And so, I kicked him, hard. Right on top of his black haired head.

He let out a yell, grabbed Jamie, swung her over his shoulder, and punched at the air blindly, narrowly miss my nose.

He stood up and ran to the car with Jamie, who was now crying, her tears running down her beautiful face, clinging to her nose.

But the man didnt care, he just got into the car with Jamie.

"NNOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled, and chased after the car, but it dissapeared.

"JAMIE!" I screamed. And I started crying myself, I'd ruined my only chance to impress her, and now. She was gone.

I sat down on the swings, and wept. I had to rescue her.

"Natsuyasumi" I whispered, and I was back.

It's really good, but I have a couple questions/suggestions:

1. Is there a point of Tompson being there? I mean, the man gets Jamie, but why was Tompson asked to come along?

2. If you are in a park, don't you think someone would hear Jamie's screaming? Maybe do something to get her to scream less, or something like that.

3. Might I ask how old they are? Just so I can invision it better.

Other than that, it's going really well. I can't wait to hear more! ^___^

1. You'll find out in the next chapter. ^.^

2. Well, its winter out, which you probably did't know, because I never mentioned it. And no one wants to be at the park when its dark.

3. They are 12.

Chapter 3 is being made. ^.^