is this okay

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1#animal lover

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Alexis was brushing her shoulder length hair when the phone rang she picked it up.

Hello Alexis speaking she said.

Hi darling.

Hi mum yes what it is.

You know autumn gold we got her.

When is she coming ill make dad get food and bedding and and.

I’m picking her up today so you better get food and hay and bring that bathtub outside sorry I didn’t wake you up.

Its okay I will wake dad and then we will go Bye.

Bye love.

Alexis ran into her dad’s bedroom and shouted in to his dad’s ear “guess what we got autumn gold” “who’s autumn gold” said her dad

A horse dad a horse said Alexis

the new and improved

pargrah

what do you think?

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Pretty good!

But remember, try to make the first paragraph very interesting!!

Dont forget to break things up a bit more, use puctuality!

KEEP WRITING!

kc

 
Pain. Sorry, dear, but in my brutally honest opinion, that needs a lot of work. Is that an entire chapter? The whole story?

Now, onto the actual critique...

is this okay... No. Wrong. You're supposed to capitalize words in the title. I DO hope that isn't the title?

Now, onto the story itself... First, you're going to want to learn proper spacing and grammar. First of all, "quotation marks" are your best friends. Ever. Seriously. Don't leave home without them.

Second, learn to paragraph. Second most important thing evar. Start with those, and you'll be well on your way.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
pretty good but it was a little bit hard to follow. (but i like it cause its about a horse!)

 
You need quoations when someone is speaking. Like this for example.

"Hello Alexis speaking." she said.

"Hi darling."

"Hi mum yes what it is."

Also, try to add some descriptive words that can put some "WOW" in the story. Add in some zest and such. Try to stay away from using "said" all the time. Start a new paragraph everytime someone speaks also.

 
Alexis was brushing her shoulder length hair when the phone rang she picked it up.
Hello Alexis speaking she said.

Hi darling.

Hi mum yes what it is.

You know autumn gold  we got her.

When is she coming ill make dad get food and bedding and and.

I’m picking her up today so you better get food and hay  and bring that bathtub outside sorry I didn’t wake you up.

Its okay I will wake dad and then we will go Bye.

Bye love.

Alexis ran into her dad’s bedroom and shouted in to his dad’s ear “guess what we got autumn gold” “who’s autumn gold” said her dad 

A horse dad a horse said Alexis 

the new and improved

pargrah

what do you think?
Click to expand...
Hmm. It seems interesting enough, the only thing I see needs work is your punctuality. maybe you should make a paragraph after that explaining who Autumn Gold is, but not too long.

Now, you should have used better punctuation. Look below.

Alexis was brushing her shoulder length hair when the phone rang she picked it up.
"Hello, Alexis speaking." She said.

"Hi darling."

"Hi Mum, yes, what is it?"

"You know autumn gold? We got her."

"When she comes I'll make dad get food and bedding.

"I’m picking her up today so you better get food, (no need for the hay, for hay is food.) and bring that bathtub outside. Sorry I didn’t wake you up."

"Its okay, I will wake dad and then we will go, Bye."

"Bye love."

Alexis ran into her dad’s bedroom and shouted in to his dad’s ear. “Guess what? We got autumn gold!”

“Who’s autumn gold?” Asked her dad 

"A horse, dad, a horse." Said Alexis.
Click to expand...
 
Last edited by a moderator:
It's good! But use punctuation like lots of people have said.

 

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