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barky

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Well, I'm not here to ask if I should carry on, because I am gonna carry on with the story anyway, but I'm here to ask what you think of it.

Here we go!

[SIZE=10pt]Jenna was fuming.[/SIZE]

She had just spilt milk all over the kitchen floor, and in the process of mopping it up she had slipped and banged her elbow, causing a pain to snake up her arm.

She was now in her room lying on her bed. Furiously, she got up and made her way across her bedroom, but gingerly looked through the piles of books on her cluttered desk. At last she found her diary at the bottom of the third pile, and clumsily fumbled back to her bed. On her bedside cabinet Jenna found a biro; and carefully laying the diary on her knees, she opened it with a bit of difficulty. However, before long she was deep in conversation, with her left arm limply holding the black book still.

...I hurt my arm as well.

What happened?

I slipped.

Why did you do that?

Jenna began her story with bitter memories. Yes, the diary wrote back to her. It knew all her secrets, all her likes and dislikes, and generally her whole life. Jenna was shocked when she bought the book at a charity shop, as it looked brand new, and it wrote back 'Hello, Jenna.'

When the 10-year-old Jenna tried to prove the diary wrote back to her to her family, it wouldn't do so much as make Jenna's ink disappear. But after 2 years she was now used to it.

Jenna suddenly had an urge now to find out more about the mysterious little book.

Do you have a name?

Yes, I do.

What is it?

Aisha Aldous Aiden Halcyon.

Wow.

Yes, quite a mouthful.

No. Well, that, and you like your 'A's.

Oh. Yes.

Anyway, do you know where you're from?

Ummm...

Nope?

I am not fom anywhere on the surface of this earth.

Where then?

You are too nosy.

One more question, please?

Okay, then.

Are you male or female?

Ahh. Thought you would ask.

Well?

Be patient. I'm thinking.

You don't know what you are?

Yes I do. I don't know how to say...

What?

Aisha means 'woman'. But I am not female, nor-

Male? How can't you be anything?

I am...a book. Books do not have genders.

Okay. I gotta go now, but I'll see you later. Bye.

Jenna didn't wait for a reply, she had already shut the book and raced downstairs before the book could let it's black ink shine through the yellowing pages.

Rushing into the kitchen, she found Mum cooking pizza, while mopping up the last bit of milk (Jenna hadn't finished, she had stomped straight to her room after falling).

"Jen- Oh, there you are. Why is ther so much milk stuff on the floor?" Mum leaned against the mop, flipped her wavy, black, shiny locks, cocked her head to one side, one hand her hip, while the other held the mop, staring intently at Jenna. No wonder all the modelling judges and loved her.

"Mum, you're doing it again!"

"Oh, sorry honey, it's not like I was a model or anything," Mum said, smiling, sarcastically. "Anyway, don't change the subject to my ex-job. I leave you at home for an hour alone, and you trash the place!"

I'll post more another time. My eyes are hurting, I've been on the computer too long xD :lol:

Best Wishes,

[[.x..barky..x.]]

 
Soz double post, but when I come back I'll change the books' writing to something...readible.

 
Yaz I was about to say the book's reading was too hard.

It was all great.

Except for one thing.

That diary thing totally reminded me of Harry Potter 2.

 
I thought it was all right. Once you change the book's writing or size of the writing, I'd say it would be pretty good.

[[Just some suggestions. You don't have to take them, just thought I would say something in case you thought it might help you improve.]]

I noticed that, in the sentence that explained how her mom was standing and looking at her, it seemed to turn into a run-on sentence. Seven commas. (Yes, I counted - I am a dork like that :3) You could break the sentence down into smaller segments, and I think it would flow a lot better.

I'd also suggest avoiding 'ummm'. In text, it just doesn't look.. Right. ;]

I like your type of writing, so I enjoyed the story so far, overall. I like it, and I'll probably read more if you post any more. ^^

 
I love your style of writing, though please change the font of the diaries writing because it's hard to read. I hope you post more because I want to see what happens next ;)

 
Lol thanks I'll take your advice ;)

I'll post some more maybe tomoz or something but oh well *shrugs* I'll change the things in my notebook, then copy them out on the computer :p :D

Best Wishes and Thanks,

[[.x..barky..x.]]

 
Ya, it is a little like HP&COS. Oh, and make the diary person's text easier to read, like a little bigger. I could hardly read it (and some parts I couldn't read at all!)

 
Well I said above I will change the text; but thanks for the advice anyway. I'm actually gonna maybe ask a Guide to close this because it is too much like Harry Potter & the Philosopher's Stone. I have a new story that is much better than this one!! ^_^ :lol:

 

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