fluffums
Well-known member
Okay, yeah, generally I wouldn't post one of my storys on here for you guys to read it. This one, however, is just a random thing I started writing last night. I figured that because there are some very good writers on TT, maybe some of you could critique it so I could improve my writing skills. The beginning of this is kind of slow, but I think towards the end of the 'chapter' it gets better. It's about two pages on Microsoft Word. I realize that some words are overused, I couldn't find a thesaurus. So.... criticize my story! 
(It doesn't really have a storyline yet, sorry.)
“I’m so happy it’s Friday,” Liam said, absentmindedly as soon as they had crossed the street and the bus pulled off, slowly working its way up the steep, tree shaded hill.
“I know. This week was so long!”, Jake complained while touching his hand onto every tree that came his way. Turning to look at the boy slowly walking next to him, Jake said, “Anyways, Ronald, we should probably hurry up and get to my house. That way we can finish our project as soon as possible and do something fun before the day’s over.”
“And by something fun, do you mean playing football?”, Maury, Jake’s twin sister and his and Liam’s best friend, asked, while giggling.
“Well, yeah! I mean, what else is there to do that’s fun?” Jake responded.
“I don’t know, I guess nothing.” Maury responded.
“Yeah, see?” Jake triumphantly announced, not noticing the sarcasm in Maury’s voice.
Ronald noticed that they passed a street that branched off of the one they were currently traveling on. “Hey, I thought you guys lived on that street, Oak Dr?”
“Well, they do. But it’s faster to just walk up Lynbrook and climb up the back of their hill to reach their house. I actually do live on Lynbrook.” Liam told the boy, answering for Jake and Maury, something the children did often for each other.
“Oh.” Ronald answered, having nothing else to say.
“Yeah, so, come on guys.” Jake had turned and was starting to walk up an extremely steep, oak-leaf covered hill on top of which sat a big, gray house. Maury and Ronald turned to follow him. After a few moments, Jake noticed that Liam was not following them, and was instead still walking up Lynbrook. “Hey, Liam! You’re not coming?” he shouted out.
“Oh, no, I’m not. I have… something else to do.” Liam said, speaking slowly, as if trying to think of something to say.
“Well, okay. We’ll see you later tonight?” Jake asked, making sure that his friend would still be coming over for their usual Friday “fun” night.
The five Callaghan children, from Maury and Jake’s family, were very good friends with the two O’Malley children, who lived on the street just below them. It was not unusual to find an O’Malley over at the Callaghan’s home, sleeping on the couch on a Saturday morning. All of the children were always at the other’s houses, playing, eating, sleeping, watching television, or doing anything that they could possibly do at their own home. They often went to each other’s houses after school. Friday night was the only ‘scheduled’ time they visited each other; they hadn’t missed a Friday night in years.
“Yeah, definitely! Hey, give me a call if Tommy is over at your house when you get there, okay?”, Liam asked his friend. Tommy was Liam’s older brother, who, like the rest of the children, was often not at his own house, but the Callaghan’s.
“Sure, buddy, see ya around!” Jake, Maury, and Ronald proceeded to walk up the hill.
----------------
The small procession was almost at the top of the hill, just about to turn and enter the top of the driveway.
“ARRGH!” Before anyone knew what was happening, Ronald was in a headlock by a tall, dark haired boy of about 15. “Jesus Christ! You’re not Liam!” The boy who had attacked Ronald took a step back. “Swear word, I’m sorry.”
Ronald was still too stunned to do anything, but managed to stammer out an ‘It’s okay’.
“Swear phrase, Johnny! What the swear word are you doing?” Jake yelled to his older brother, for harassing his schoolmate.
Johnny rolled his eyes. “I already told ya.” He sighed. “I was looking for Liam. Speaking of which, where is the little swear word?” Johnny walked back to the tree he had been hiding behind and took a pocket knife out of his pocket.
Jake got a small grin on his face. “He obviously knew you were looking for him. Why, what’d he do to you?”
Johnny was cutting pieces of bark off the tree. “That boy,” he stabbed the knife into the tree, “owes me some money.”, pulling it out.
“If you run fast enough, you can still catch him. He can’t have gotten too far up the street since we left him.” Maury offered.
“Thanks, kid.” Johnny referred to Maury by her pet name and sprinted off down the hill.
------------------------
Johnny had finally reached the bottom of the hill. He could see Liam’s dark, curly head not too far off. Running up the dusty street, Johnny started to gather speed. Liam turned for a moment, with a look of surprise on his face.
Then, Liam ran. He ran faster than he had ever ran before, jumping over bushes, plowing straight through the ones too tall to leap over. While running, he contemplated climbing over a fence only ten feet in front of him. He decided he would go for it.
Johnny reached Liam and tackled him into the dirt, just as Liam was turning to try and jump the fence.
“swear word, Johnny! Get offa me!” Liam yelped.
Johnny rose up and pulled Liam off of the ground onto his feet and grinned. “Really, boy, who did the think you were running from? The coppers?” Liam just stood there with hurt look on his face. Johnny broke into an ever larger smile, trying to make up with the boy who was two years his junior and as close to him as a brother. “You know, if they ever really are chasing you, you won’t be getting anywhere. You run slower than Dixie, with her bad knees.” Johnny said, referring to the Callaghan’s dog, jokingly, for Liam was one of the fastest children in the town. Only Johnny and Tommy, Liam’s older brother, were faster. “You’ll be better off just letting ‘em take you, ‘cause you’ll get caught anyways and they usually go easier on you if you don’t run.”
Johnny succeeded; Liam was smiling by this time. “Aww, Johnny, lay off it.”
“So…… why were you running from me?” Johnny smiled, knowing the answer perfectly well.
Liam shuffled his feet and looked embarrassed. “Oh, geeze, I dunno.”
Johnny laughed. “Of course you do, boy! You owe me twenty dollars.”
“Oh, yeah, right. Ummm, can you have Tommy give it to you?” Liam hesitantly asked. He knew perfectly well that if Johnny told Tommy that Liam owed him money, Tommy would willingly give the money to Johnny, but afterwards would teach Liam a painful lesson about paying his debts.
“Well, okay.” Johnny suddenly seemed to forget about the matter. “Hey, come on over. Tommy’s at our house, and Maury and Jake brought along some weaselly looking little boy.”
Liam started to laugh. “Oh, that’s Ronald. Jake has to work on a project with him for school so he came home with us today.”
“So that’s what he’s doing. I was wondering why he would bring that boy home. Anyways, let’s go!” Johnny turned, with Liam following him and they worked their way back up to the house.
So, yeah, that's it. Please don't just post 'oh, it's good', because I know it wasn't that good and I would really like to get some tips on how to make my writing better. I know, it was long.
Okay, I just realized TT doesn't let you indent your story. I would go back and enter twice on all the lines that should be indented, but it would take too long. D:
(It doesn't really have a storyline yet, sorry.)“I’m so happy it’s Friday,” Liam said, absentmindedly as soon as they had crossed the street and the bus pulled off, slowly working its way up the steep, tree shaded hill.
“I know. This week was so long!”, Jake complained while touching his hand onto every tree that came his way. Turning to look at the boy slowly walking next to him, Jake said, “Anyways, Ronald, we should probably hurry up and get to my house. That way we can finish our project as soon as possible and do something fun before the day’s over.”
“And by something fun, do you mean playing football?”, Maury, Jake’s twin sister and his and Liam’s best friend, asked, while giggling.
“Well, yeah! I mean, what else is there to do that’s fun?” Jake responded.
“I don’t know, I guess nothing.” Maury responded.
“Yeah, see?” Jake triumphantly announced, not noticing the sarcasm in Maury’s voice.
Ronald noticed that they passed a street that branched off of the one they were currently traveling on. “Hey, I thought you guys lived on that street, Oak Dr?”
“Well, they do. But it’s faster to just walk up Lynbrook and climb up the back of their hill to reach their house. I actually do live on Lynbrook.” Liam told the boy, answering for Jake and Maury, something the children did often for each other.
“Oh.” Ronald answered, having nothing else to say.
“Yeah, so, come on guys.” Jake had turned and was starting to walk up an extremely steep, oak-leaf covered hill on top of which sat a big, gray house. Maury and Ronald turned to follow him. After a few moments, Jake noticed that Liam was not following them, and was instead still walking up Lynbrook. “Hey, Liam! You’re not coming?” he shouted out.
“Oh, no, I’m not. I have… something else to do.” Liam said, speaking slowly, as if trying to think of something to say.
“Well, okay. We’ll see you later tonight?” Jake asked, making sure that his friend would still be coming over for their usual Friday “fun” night.
The five Callaghan children, from Maury and Jake’s family, were very good friends with the two O’Malley children, who lived on the street just below them. It was not unusual to find an O’Malley over at the Callaghan’s home, sleeping on the couch on a Saturday morning. All of the children were always at the other’s houses, playing, eating, sleeping, watching television, or doing anything that they could possibly do at their own home. They often went to each other’s houses after school. Friday night was the only ‘scheduled’ time they visited each other; they hadn’t missed a Friday night in years.
“Yeah, definitely! Hey, give me a call if Tommy is over at your house when you get there, okay?”, Liam asked his friend. Tommy was Liam’s older brother, who, like the rest of the children, was often not at his own house, but the Callaghan’s.
“Sure, buddy, see ya around!” Jake, Maury, and Ronald proceeded to walk up the hill.
----------------
The small procession was almost at the top of the hill, just about to turn and enter the top of the driveway.
“ARRGH!” Before anyone knew what was happening, Ronald was in a headlock by a tall, dark haired boy of about 15. “Jesus Christ! You’re not Liam!” The boy who had attacked Ronald took a step back. “Swear word, I’m sorry.”
Ronald was still too stunned to do anything, but managed to stammer out an ‘It’s okay’.
“Swear phrase, Johnny! What the swear word are you doing?” Jake yelled to his older brother, for harassing his schoolmate.
Johnny rolled his eyes. “I already told ya.” He sighed. “I was looking for Liam. Speaking of which, where is the little swear word?” Johnny walked back to the tree he had been hiding behind and took a pocket knife out of his pocket.
Jake got a small grin on his face. “He obviously knew you were looking for him. Why, what’d he do to you?”
Johnny was cutting pieces of bark off the tree. “That boy,” he stabbed the knife into the tree, “owes me some money.”, pulling it out.
“If you run fast enough, you can still catch him. He can’t have gotten too far up the street since we left him.” Maury offered.
“Thanks, kid.” Johnny referred to Maury by her pet name and sprinted off down the hill.
------------------------
Johnny had finally reached the bottom of the hill. He could see Liam’s dark, curly head not too far off. Running up the dusty street, Johnny started to gather speed. Liam turned for a moment, with a look of surprise on his face.
Then, Liam ran. He ran faster than he had ever ran before, jumping over bushes, plowing straight through the ones too tall to leap over. While running, he contemplated climbing over a fence only ten feet in front of him. He decided he would go for it.
Johnny reached Liam and tackled him into the dirt, just as Liam was turning to try and jump the fence.
“swear word, Johnny! Get offa me!” Liam yelped.
Johnny rose up and pulled Liam off of the ground onto his feet and grinned. “Really, boy, who did the think you were running from? The coppers?” Liam just stood there with hurt look on his face. Johnny broke into an ever larger smile, trying to make up with the boy who was two years his junior and as close to him as a brother. “You know, if they ever really are chasing you, you won’t be getting anywhere. You run slower than Dixie, with her bad knees.” Johnny said, referring to the Callaghan’s dog, jokingly, for Liam was one of the fastest children in the town. Only Johnny and Tommy, Liam’s older brother, were faster. “You’ll be better off just letting ‘em take you, ‘cause you’ll get caught anyways and they usually go easier on you if you don’t run.”
Johnny succeeded; Liam was smiling by this time. “Aww, Johnny, lay off it.”
“So…… why were you running from me?” Johnny smiled, knowing the answer perfectly well.
Liam shuffled his feet and looked embarrassed. “Oh, geeze, I dunno.”
Johnny laughed. “Of course you do, boy! You owe me twenty dollars.”
“Oh, yeah, right. Ummm, can you have Tommy give it to you?” Liam hesitantly asked. He knew perfectly well that if Johnny told Tommy that Liam owed him money, Tommy would willingly give the money to Johnny, but afterwards would teach Liam a painful lesson about paying his debts.
“Well, okay.” Johnny suddenly seemed to forget about the matter. “Hey, come on over. Tommy’s at our house, and Maury and Jake brought along some weaselly looking little boy.”
Liam started to laugh. “Oh, that’s Ronald. Jake has to work on a project with him for school so he came home with us today.”
“So that’s what he’s doing. I was wondering why he would bring that boy home. Anyways, let’s go!” Johnny turned, with Liam following him and they worked their way back up to the house.
So, yeah, that's it. Please don't just post 'oh, it's good', because I know it wasn't that good and I would really like to get some tips on how to make my writing better. I know, it was long.
Okay, I just realized TT doesn't let you indent your story. I would go back and enter twice on all the lines that should be indented, but it would take too long. D:
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