Jump to content

- - - - -

уєт αησтнєя ѕтσяу

  • Please log in to reply


  • bestusernameever user photo
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 109 posts
  • Joined: 05-April 09

Posted 04 June 2009 - 02:59 PM ( #1 )

I love that font on the title XD

Anyways, this is better than my usual crap I post on here. I don't usually post my good stuff, anyway. This isn't even THAT good. That's why I need honest critique. The story of this story is I came home early from school on Wednesday because I was skiving sick then I was so bored at home I just slept until like, 6PM or something. Needless to say, I couldn't sleep well that night so I just took out my trusty notebook and started writing like the weirdo I am. I went a bit mad and done seven sides within one hour, then went to sleep. Yeah, it was night, I was tired, so any spelling and grammer mistakes, blame it on that. So here you go...

Chapter One

My Babbo (Dad in Italian) died on me and my sister's birthday. It was weird, one minute he's just working in his store as usual, next minute he's face-down on the desk with a knife jammed into the back of his head. Some birthday.
"I reckon it was murder," said Rosalba (sister) after the funeral which was by the way, s***.
"Whatever makes you think that?" I asked sarcastically. It had obviously been murder, it takes quite a lot of non-accidental force to put a knife right through somebody's skull. I knew exactly who'd done it as well. Now to be honest I'd never liked my Babbo, he'd put me through hell. But he was still my Babbo who didn't exactly deserve to die unless it was me killing him.
"Well I reckon this is a bad idea," said cousin Damien. We were hidden behind some bins. Me, Rose, Damien and his little sister Melissa.
"Well I reckon you're a wuss," I said. I looked at Damien who wouldn't stop fidgeting, "And that Damien-"
"SMELLS!!!" Mel screamed. Her and Damien cracked up while I face-palmed.
"Be quiet, we'll get caught," Rose hissed.
"Yeah, Victor," said Mel, glaring at me.
I sighed, "Look, do you just want to do what we're doing and go?"
"Good idea," said Rose.
"Wait...what are we doing again?" Mel asked. I face-palmed again. Some how, I seem to do it a lot around that kid (sounds wrong in my immature mind).
"We're at the D'Agistino's hide-out, yeah?"
"And what organisation are they part of?"
"AAAH!!!" That had been Damien after he'd tried and failed to climb on top of the bin to take a look then fell down.
"SHUT UP OR THEY'LL HEAR!!!" Mel screamed. I put my hand over her mouth and pulled her behind the bin with me. I saw the blind moving, "Silly Damien..." I heard her mutter.
I peeked out from behind the bin. There was a woman looking around from the window, she stood for what seemed like decades. My heart was thumping under my t-shirt, it would have helped if we still had our dark funeral clothes on but it had been hot that day so I had to shower and change afterwards. We all did and Mel insisted on wearing a neon green t-shirt to match the streaks in her short, black (dyed) hair. The t-shirt almost glowed in the dark. Seriously, if we were caught we were dead. And I'm not talking dead as in, in huge trouble. I'm talking literally dead.
"Luciana!" I heard a voice call from the building, "You okay?"
"Yes, I just thought I heard something," said Luciana, still peering out suspiciously.
"Must just be the wind, come on Lucy."
The blinds closed. I sighed with relief and let go of Mel, I gave her a bit of credit. It took a lot of effort for that kid to stay quiet even for a few seconds.
"Still think this is a good idea?" Rose asked.
"For Zio," said Damien (Zio's uncle), "So who's doing the vandalism?"
Naturally, every one turned to look at me.
"Fine," I groaned. I took the spray we'd stolen-I mean borrowed from Babbo's store, looked around then darted out as fast as I could to the wall, used my beautiful art skills on it then half-ran and half dived back behind the bins to admire it from a safe distance. I'd been in a rush so it wasn't great but readible. It said in big red letters:

You may have taken my life but this path you've chosen will just lead to regret
Stephano Giordani

Yeah I could have thought of something better but as I said, I was in a rush. Rose high fived me once I'd taken the banana peels off my head which were a result of the careless dive.
"And you're still alive!" Damien exclaimed.
I was feeling pretty pleased with myself, actually. Well that was until some one said, "You're right Lucy. That isn't wind you were hearing." These people were smarter than I thought.
"Okay, when I count to three I want you to run for your freaking lives," I whispered, "One...Two..."
We jumped out from behind the bins, me clutching Mel's weedy little arm incase the idiot got lost. Before the guy had the chance to look we had run down the alley and round the corner. I was getting out of breath now, I was about as good at running as an eighty-a-day smoker. But I didn't stop running until we were all in my house and I'd triple-locked the door.
"That-was-so-cool," Rose gasped. I nodded, gasping too much to speak.
Now, I've missed out something. I haven't told you why this was such a big deal.
Well this was Napoli, Southern Italy. We'd-well I actually just graffitied the D'Agistino's wall. And you know what huge criminal organisation they're part of? La Cosa Nostra.
I grinned to myself. I'd actually spraypainted a Mafia family's wall. I'm sure that any one I dared tell at school would have been seriously impressed.
And I thought I'd gotten away with it.

Told you it wasn't too good. Anyways, I need some advice. Including alternatives to the overused "said" and "asked" and if I've made any spelling mistakes point them out too. And woah, this turned out shorter than I thought. It wasn't really a big note book, and my writing's big. So even though you obviously can't be bothered, please critique! Yeah, I have to go. My gran's nagging, if you like it (even a bit) I'll post more.

Buh-bye XD






04 Jun 2009

Last Post

05 Jun 2009


  • teeheex user photo
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 3,975 posts
  • Joined: 09-February 09

Posted 05 June 2009 - 12:02 PM ( #2 )

Tht's awesome! you still owe me half your profit for using Damien