Posted 05 June 2009 - 02:02 PM
CHAPTER ONE: Screams of Pain
Kaytee was sitting on her bed at her boarding school when she heard a scream from the dorm next door. She rushed outside, along with her best friends, Maxine, Ali, and Tara. "What the heck?" Maxine asked. "Ah, Maggy just probably chipped a nail, again!" Tara suggested. "Nah, when she does that, her screams are more high-pitched," Kaytee stated. "True, lets go inside," Ali said, opening the door. Ali, Tara, and Kaytee walked inside, while Maxine stayed in the doorway. Tara groaned. "Maaxx, why ain't you coming in?" she complained. "Dunno. This room's creeping me out, I guess." Maxine explained. Tara gave Maxine a disgusted look. "Max, there.... is.... no.... such.... thing.... as.... GHOSTS!" Tara yelled threw her teeth. "So?" Maxine asked. Tara sighed, and walked over to Maxine, grabbed her by the wrists, pulled her in the room, locked the door, and put the key in her pocket, and looked at Maxine in frustration. "Okay.. I'm in." Maxine said, and screamed when she seen the bed blanket move. "S-some thing's under th-there!" Maxine stammered. "Some thing's under where?" Kaytee asked. "Ha! Underwear! He-he" Ali laughed, and stopped when she noticed Kaytee giving her an angry glare. "He-he." Ali said quietly, and took a deep breath. "Sorry." she sighed.
~When they got Maggy out from under the bed, she explained to them that she seen the ghost of a dead classmate, and that she chanted a curse to them. She repeated the curse.
"Hey, Tara? Don't you have a book on ancient curses in your dorm?" Maxine asked. "Yeah. Why? Do you want me to go get it?" Tara asked. "Well DUUH!" Ali said. "Okay, Ali. Don't have to be rude." Tara told Ali, getting up, and walked out the door. "Hey, go get me a coke!" Kaytee called out to Tara. "NO! Get your own!" Tara yelled back. "Okay then. Don't have to be so pushy." Kaytee mumbled. She got up and walked out of the dorm, mumbling things about Tara. "I can here that!" Tara yelled to Kaytee. "I don't give a crap!" Kaytee called out.
So yah. Thats some of my story, and not even chapter 2 yet. That's part of chapter one. So leave your comments, ppls!
Posted 05 June 2009 - 02:13 PM
Edited by Best.Username.Ever, 05 June 2009 - 02:14 PM.
Posted 05 June 2009 - 02:43 PM
Posted 05 June 2009 - 08:43 PM
Kaytee was sitting on her bed at her boarding school when she heard a scream from the dorm next door.
I do not like how this started. I think just randomly starting out like this is a bad idea. I think you need to give more insight on the characters more than just randomly start out by saying Kaytee heard a scream.
She rushed outside, along with her best friends, Maxine, Ali, and Tara.
This also bugged me. Her friends randomly appeared out of nowhere. Perhaps say that they were all together in Kaytee's room studying or something when they heard the scream. It would make more sense rather than just randomly throwing these characters in.
And as for the rest, they seem to act like 10 year olds. How old are they supposed to be? And the fact that you randomly put in "there's no such thing as ghosts" kind of didn't mix. It fit with the whole Maxine being afraid of entering but since the story is about ghosts, maybe you could refrain from throwing them in too soon. Perhaps you can say the girls heard a scream, they thought maybe someone was hurt/needed help so they went to the door. When they opened it and saw no one inside then heard noises, then they got nervous about ghosts. Maybe even have them deny it like think someone is playing a prank.
But to me, this story is too fast. You need to slow it down. In my opinion, this shouldn't even occur until chapter 3. I think you need to focus on the characters and where they go to school, and everything before you start this up.
As I said, that's my opinion, and I just want to help, I do not mean to offend okay?
Edited by DemonSlayer5050, 05 June 2009 - 08:47 PM.
Posted 05 June 2009 - 09:07 PM
Kaytee was watching her friends as she sat on her bed. Ali and Tara were busy bickering, as usual, but, as usual, it wasn't about anything serious.
"Ali, I said I wanted a LIGHTER shade of purple nail polish, not dark!" said Tara.
"But I thought you said you DIDN'T want it lighter!" protested Ali. Maxine, who was immersed in a thick novel titled "101 Chilling Ghost Tales", was oblivious to everyone else in the room as she sat on the edge of her bed. She always seemed to be reading some kind of book about the supernatural. Kaytee grinned as the argument between Ali and Tara went on.
"I didn't say the word "didn't"!" argued Tara
Ali raised her eyebrows, "You didn't-didn't what? I'm confused here."
Kaytee chuckled to herself. Boarding school was just bearable when you had your best friends rooming with you.
"Gaargh! I said that I didn't say that I didn't want light pur--" Tara's sentence was cut off by a piercing scream.
"What the heck was THAT?" asked Maxine, her eyes wide as she peeked over her book.
Ok, so this would be an example of how you could start the story. ^^ Or like DemonSlayer5050 said, you could take this story slow.
Posted 06 June 2009 - 12:03 PM
Demon- I do include that kind of stuff, of where they go to school, I just didn't have time to discribe every little detail, so I was kind of in a hurry. And good idea about slowing it down. My chapters are a little long, and I don't want to mess up my entire story, as I'm on chapter 2 with 15 pages (loose-leaf) in Chapter 1, which would be about 30 some book pages. So maybe halfway through chapter one? And to answer your age question. Kaytee is the oldest, 12 years old. Maxine and Maggy are 11, and Ali and Tara are 10, which is why they are a little immature.
Warrior-Great idea! But I think I should slow it down, so I wouldn't put the scream in right after Tara's sentence. I'm actually going to use that. So you're a GREAT help.
Here's my new idea summed up.
*Warrior's Idea, minus the scream after Tara*. Kaytee states that Maggy would usually be listening to her music really loud next door, they head over there, and Maggy says that she loaned all her CD's to Anthony, who she has a major crush on, and on their way to the boy's area, Maxine gets a craving for a steak, so they head over to the food court, forgetting about getting the CD's back from Anthony. They head back to the dorm, talking about various things, when Ali remembers they're supposed to get the CD's. They head over, and get back Maggy's 5 CD's, and they're about to enter Maggy's dorm, when Maggy screams, making Tara drop the CD's. Kaytee picks them up.
Now we're back to where Maxine says "What the heck".
So how do you like that idea? I think it's MUCH better. Oh, and here's how I picture each girl's personality:
Maxine: A born tomboy who believs everything she reads in books, and often is reading ghost stories, which gets her paranoid, she has a semi-short temper.
Ali: A prissy girly-girl who is brave, and is consittered the dorm clown.
Kaytee: The average girl. Smart, and enjoy's picking on the average nerd every once in a while.
Tara: Book worm who enjoy's annoying Ali, and finding something to start an arguement with Ali.
Maggy: A punkish girl, who loves listening to rock music and chewing gum.
Posted 06 June 2009 - 06:25 PM