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My Vampire Story

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Posted 11 June 2009 - 08:58 PM ( #1 )

Chapter 1

Elly sat and stared at the cute new employee. "Who's he?" She asked her best friend, Clara, who was re-arranging the new display of Charm bracelets with bat charms. "Oh, he's the new guy. Why, do you have a new crush?" Clara asked, smirking. "No, I just wanted to know..." Elly mumbled , almost blushing past her pale face makeup.

'He looks like the only guy who would ever like someone like me.....' she thought, looking down at her black jeans and her FlyLeaf t-shirt. She glanced in the mirror that they kept near the sunglasses. A girl with a chubby, pale face, with heavily lined black eyes, stared back. All the other people at her high school laughed at her. They all called her weird, all because of her vampire obsession. Except her friends. Clara was one of those friends, and they were both at Hot Gothic that particular day, working.

She glanced at him again. He was talking to a few girls clad in designer bags and Prada shoes. 'He looks kinda cute....' she thought. He had glossy, shoulder length black hair. He had on a SlipKnot t-shirt and black jeans. He glanced at her. ‘Uh-oh, he's looking this way!' She thought and quickly turned around and pretended to check the prices on a new shipment of CDs. Clara was on break now. She couldn’t tell her about her encounter.

All of a sudden, she heard a boy's voice say " I already checked those......" she jumped up with surprise and turned around. The new guy was smirking. “Soooooo NOT funny!" she gasped. "sorry I scared you" he apologized. 'Look at his eyes!' She thought dreamily. His voice brought her back to reality. "You seem...Different." He said, "Like no girl I've ever met before....." he lookd down at the floor for a second, the looked back up. "Hey, do you like Disturbed?" He asked, Eyes Twinkling. "Yes." she answered, surprised and happy all at once. 'Don't tell me he's about to ask me.....' "Would you like to go to their next concert with me? They're playing here this weekend and I have an extra ticket." "I'd LOVE to!" she said. She was so happy! "Good. My break is about the same as yours. wanna have lunch together?" He asked, looking secretly hopeful. "Sounds good." she said, grinning softly. She couldn't WAIT to tell Clara!

Chapter 2

“You’ll never guess what just happened!” Elly said excitedly into her cell phone. “What?” Clara asked. “The new guy just asked me out on a date!” she squealed. “Ohhh when??” Clara asked. “Well….. technically 2 dates…. he invited me to lunch today and to a Disturbed concert this weekend.” Elly said excitedly. “I’ll meet you at Ben & Jerry’s in 5 minutes. K?” she asked. “It’s a date!” Clara said, and excitedly hung up. Elly’s first date! How exciting! She was soooo happy for her friend. They were taunted constantly about the way they dressed. But, Unlike Elly, Clara was asked out at least once a week, by different guys. Elly always felt bad about her self and was never asked out. So this was big for her. “Hey!” she greeted Elly when she arrived. “Hey” she answered. She got a large waffle cone with 3 scoops of Whirled Peace.

They started walking around the mall. “So, what are you gonna wear to the concert?” she asked. “I don’t really know yet. I’ll probably use my employee discount.” She answered. “Well, you use it practically every day, anyway.” Clara answered, giggling. “True….” She answered thoughtfully. “So, when are you meeting him for lunch?” Clara asked. “Um, 1:30.” She said absent mindedly. “What are you so distracted about?” Clara said. “There was something different about him…” She murmured. The way his eyes had sparkled- it had seemed unhuman. She quickly checked her cell phone for the time. 1 o’clock! “I have to go or I’m gonna be late!” she yelled. “See ya!” Clara called after her happily. She licked her cone as she thought ‘There was something different about him…..’

Chapter 3

He was waiting patiently outside the mall’s only Chinese restaurant. ‘How did he know I like Chinese??’ she thought to herself. He grinned when he saw her. “Hey” he said, grinning. “Hey” she murmured, breathless. She had run up to Hot Gothic, gotten a new jacket to hide a stain from the ice cream on her shirt, and had run back down in record time. ‘I can’t believe this….’ She thought excitedly.

‘But I look Horrible today!’ she suddenly thought, her smile disappearing immediately. ‘I always look terrible. My hair’s a mess, and look how FAT I look in this top!’

A voice (HIS voice!) brought her back to reality. “Are you ok?” She suddenly snapped out of her thoughts. The new guy was looking at her funny. She felt her self blush. “I…umm…I just….umm…I realized I didn’t get your name.” she said. “Nick” he answered, scanning her face. “You look beautiful when you blush.” Added. Which, of course, made her blush deeper. “So, what do you want to eat?” he asked, scanning the menu. “Hmmmm.. Shrimp Lo Mein and General Tso’s Chicken, Please.” She said. “Oh, and a Coke.” She quickly added.

As they sat down at the table in the food court after they ordered, Nick pulled out a water bottle filled with a thick, red drink. She glanced at it curiously. “What’s that?” she asked, “Oh, just some juice that I usually carry with me.” He answered.

They ate in silence for a few moments. “So,” Nick began “What’s your favorite band?” “FlyLeaf” she answered automatically. “I can tell.” he chuckled, motioning toward her shirt. She blushed a little and giggled softly. He smiled at her. Then she remembered the Prada-girls he had been talking to earlier. “Hey, I noticed you talking to a couple of preps earlier.” she said, remembering how hard a time they would usually give Elly, asking stupid questions like “Hey, where’s the tanning cream?” before walking out, laughing. “Oh, they were just asking for some pink lip stick. I told them to check on their Daddy’s credit cards first, to make sure they had enough money left.” He chuckled softly. ‘He’s perfect!’ Elly decided.






11 Jun 2009

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19 Jun 2009


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Posted 19 June 2009 - 02:40 PM ( #2 )

It's great, but my only criticism is that you don't want to make it sound to much like a perfect happy ending. As she is thinking about how cute the new guy is, he almost immediately asks her out. They seem to get on very well very soon, so it might not sound like real life where he could go off with someone else and she has to let him know somehow how she feels. Don't take it the wrong way; I think the idea and story is great!

Giraffagotchi :wub: