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DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 28 June 2009 - 06:21 PM ( #1 )

I've had this idea for a story for such a long time. Seriously. Like, for months. But, I never got around to writing it xD Well, now I'm going to attempt it. It's called Memories. I'll share the introduction first and if people like it maybe I'll continue it.

Some Notes O:
*The title won't really make sense in the introduction so don't ask "Why is it called that?"
*It's a rather dark story. The introduction isn't too dark but I don't recommend it to those under at least 11.
*It's your opinion so I promise not to yell if you leave negative comments. But if you do at least promise you won't just say "Okay this just sucks ^_^" Tell me exactly what you think is wrong so I can fix it.
*Don't ask about the plot because right now I'm just working on the introduction, so I'll be sure to explain the plot if I decide to continue the story
*The introduction is kind of long xD

Enjoy. (I wrote this part in red so you don't mix the story up with this stuff xD The story is in black font ;D



I stared into the full-length mirror in front of me. The reflection showed a youthful, rather pretty, pale skinned girl. Her straight black hair went down past her chest, and her bangs went straight down and stopped slightly past her foggy, navy eyes. Her eyebrows were very thin and black. She was in a school uniform, short black skirt, black jacket with a white shirt and ruby bow. Her black socks went up slightly past her knees. Her shoes were black and simple, not much to them. She had a gun in her hand. Her face showed a bizarre mixture of confusion and sorrow. Was she confused about why she had the gun? Was her depressing expression showing that she’d done something she’d regret? I couldn’t really tell. Then, I saw it. A tear. A single tear rested just below her lashes. Why was she crying? What did she do? Or what was she about to do? I saw her place her other hand gently on her heart. It quickly clenched to a fist. I could see it all in her eyes, grief, Rage, perplexity, and even a bit of disgust. She dropped both of her hands to her sides, dropping the gun. She fell to her knees and slightly opened her mouth, as if to say something, but she couldn’t figure out what to say. I didn’t see any blood on her, she couldn’t have killed anybody. I suddenly heard her whisper. Her voice was hushed and melodic, it was a beautiful sound, but I couldn’t decipher what she said. She started to speak, and I had a lot of difficulty just figuring out what she was saying. All I could make out was “It’s the only way…” She stood up and turned away from the mirror. I couldn’t stand to look into my reflection any longer. On the outside it showed this beautiful girl. This girl pretty enough that she was most likely very well-liked and cared for. But I knew that wasn’t true. On the inside, she was a tragic, misunderstood girl that no one cared for. That no one would listen to. That no one would think of as beautiful. That no one would miss.


Give me your opinions. Thanks.

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Started

28 Jun 2009

Last Post

20 Jul 2009

Mr.Brightside

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Posted 30 June 2009 - 03:46 PM ( #2 )

It's brilliant. I love it.
I especially like how it described a pretty girl, what she was wearing, what she looked like, and saved the most important part - the gun - for the very end of the description.
It kind of gives whoever's reading it a loose sense of subconsious shock.
I like the irony, especially.
It's wonderful :]

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 30 June 2009 - 05:08 PM ( #3 )

Thank you ahlex O:

giraffagotchi

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Posted 03 July 2009 - 09:30 AM ( #4 )

Yup, it's great :P. Just one point: when you are describing what she is wearing etc, the sentences are very short, which sort of creates tension and there shouldn't be any there because you are just talking about her socks or something. But otherwise, it's great! I agree with Mr. Brightside; describing the gun at the very end of the description is a great idea!

Giraffagotchi

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 03 July 2009 - 03:50 PM ( #5 )

Yup, it's great :). Just one point: when you are describing what she is wearing etc, the sentences are very short, which sort of creates tension and there shouldn't be any there because you are just talking about her socks or something. But otherwise, it's great! I agree with Mr. Brightside; describing the gun at the very end of the description is a great idea!

Giraffagotchi

I don't really get what you mean. What do you mean it has too much tension O: I'm confused too easily xD

SammiEcstasy,x

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Posted 03 July 2009 - 04:08 PM ( #6 )

Excellent descriptions. It's one of my favorite things about stories. I love being able to picture something in my mind and watching it as though I'm on the sidelines.

There's not much constructive critism I can give you, DS. Just pursue in the next part of your story :)


Mr.Brightside

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Posted 03 July 2009 - 05:01 PM ( #7 )

Like how as the sentances get shorter, most people subconsiously read faster. Shorter sentances are almost like forshadowing.
So if you did that without knowing you did that then you must really be a natural XD

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 03 July 2009 - 06:34 PM ( #8 )

Like how as the sentances get shorter, most people subconsiously read faster. Shorter sentances are almost like forshadowing.
So if you did that without knowing you did that then you must really be a natural XD

Like seriously? O: I feel special now xD

Mr.Brightside

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Posted 03 July 2009 - 06:53 PM ( #9 )

Yeah. And you are special (:
And as I've said, you writing's brilliant. <3

giraffagotchi

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Posted 04 July 2009 - 04:59 AM ( #10 )

"The reflection showed a youthful, rather pretty, pale skinned girl. Her straight black hair went down past her chest, and her bangs went straight down and stopped slightly past her foggy, navy eyes. Her eyebrows were very thin and black. She was in a school uniform, short black skirt, black jacket with a white shirt and ruby bow. Her black socks went up slightly past her knees. Her shoes were black and simple, not much to them. "

The bit in bold was what I was talking about. My English teacher always tells us that short sentences create tension, but there doesn't need to be any here, that's all. Maybe make those sentences a little bit longer, because longer ones, compound or complex sentences, are more descriptive. You usually use short or 'simple' sentences to create tension/suspense.

That is just a tiny point though!! Keep writing it... it sounds great! :):)

Giraffagotchi

Edited by giraffagotchi, 04 July 2009 - 05:02 AM.


Midnight shadow

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Posted 05 July 2009 - 09:28 PM ( #11 )

I think it's good
You should denfitliy write more

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 06 July 2009 - 07:24 AM ( #12 )

"The reflection showed a youthful, rather pretty, pale skinned girl. Her straight black hair went down past her chest, and her bangs went straight down and stopped slightly past her foggy, navy eyes. Her eyebrows were very thin and black. She was in a school uniform, short black skirt, black jacket with a white shirt and ruby bow. Her black socks went up slightly past her knees. Her shoes were black and simple, not much to them. "

The bit in bold was what I was talking about. My English teacher always tells us that short sentences create tension, but there doesn't need to be any here, that's all. Maybe make those sentences a little bit longer, because longer ones, compound or complex sentences, are more descriptive. You usually use short or 'simple' sentences to create tension/suspense.

That is just a tiny point though!! Keep writing it... it sounds great! :rolleyes::)

Giraffagotchi

I kind of did mean to, but I didn't.

I wanted to make those short because I didn't want them to be too complex, I wanted it to be a simple description, so the reader wouldn't focus too much on what she was wearing, but still would get an image.

If that makes sense :) Thanks for the criticism and compliments though :)

HanatchiHannah

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Posted 20 July 2009 - 12:40 PM ( #13 )

I think that's a very good story there, way better than anything I could write. It's also really spooky, as you really do remind me of someone... No, not myself. Someone else. Someone called Annabel.

Edited by HanatchiHannah, 20 July 2009 - 12:42 PM.


DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 20 July 2009 - 02:28 PM ( #14 )

I think that's a very good story there, way better than anything I could write. It's also really spooky, as you really do remind me of someone... No, not myself. Someone else. Someone called Annabel.

Thanks ^-^ I've been working on like, 60 stories at once (as per usual xD) So I'll put some of chapter one up when I get to it.

RawryCakes.x

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Posted 20 July 2009 - 08:57 PM ( #15 )

"The reflection showed a youthful, rather pretty, pale skinned girl. Her straight black hair went down past her chest, and her bangs went straight down and stopped slightly past her foggy, navy eyes. Her eyebrows were very thin and black. She was in a school uniform, short black skirt, black jacket with a white shirt and ruby bow. Her black socks went up slightly past her knees. Her shoes were black and simple, not much to them. "

The bit in bold was what I was talking about. My English teacher always tells us that short sentences create tension, but there doesn't need to be any here, that's all. Maybe make those sentences a little bit longer, because longer ones, compound or complex sentences, are more descriptive. You usually use short or 'simple' sentences to create tension/suspense.

That is just a tiny point though!! Keep writing it... it sounds great! :(:)

Giraffagotchi

I think the tension actually adds to it, and makes it more 'intense' I actually like it better like that. Not that I don't like it without it. Anyways, very good intro (: I'd like to read the rest =]