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The Journal of Lila


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Doodle_Bear

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Posted 05 July 2009 - 05:59 PM ( #1 )

I loved writting and I came up with my story called The Journal of Lila.


Journal,

Well mom left of on her buiness trip this morning.She will have the miss my Ballet.Dads In jail.So im staying with Aunt Rose.The mean old witch.Its almost dinner time.Roast beef.My little sister,Meghan,Is one the other side of the room drawing.We get along well for sisters.Aunt Rose treats Meg worse than me.My older brother Sam is here too.But hes in anther room.Doing whatever boys do.Well,I have to go,Aunt Rose is calling us down for dinnner.


This is just a small part.I want people to comment on it though.Please comment!

Edited by Doodle_Bear, 05 July 2009 - 05:59 PM.


Replies

9

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371

Started

05 Jul 2009

Last Post

07 Jul 2009

Trainwreck

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Posted 05 July 2009 - 07:49 PM ( #2 )

Um, it's...well, okay.

You need more descriptions. And spaces. You have to space after a period. xD
But I guess it's all right. But really cliche. You gotta make it unqiue.

Doodle_Bear

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Posted 06 July 2009 - 04:25 PM ( #3 )

Thanks.Its only like that cause Its the first part.

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 06 July 2009 - 05:22 PM ( #4 )

Very weak beginning.

You can't just have nothing but periods, you need to work with punctuation and grammar to make it less childish to read. It's very weak for a beginning, you need to put something in it to make the reader want to read more. Also as Britt said, you need more descriptions. Try editing it then post what you've edited. :P

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 06 July 2009 - 05:28 PM ( #5 )

I also forgot to mention;

You can't just come out with the entire plot in one paragraph.

"Well mom left of on her buiness trip this morning.She will have the miss my Ballet.Dads In jail.So im staying with Aunt Rose.The mean old witch.Its almost dinner time.Roast beef."

Good writers make it less straight forward and more unique, to keep the reader interested, something like,

"My mother left on her business trip this morning. I can't say I'm the happiest, but what am I supposed to do? I have to live with my Aunt for a while. I never really liked Aunt Rose, something about her wicked nature and nasty roast beef just gives me a small hint that she may not be the best aunt. My father is in jail. He's been in there for a while now. I can't exactly say how I feel about that. I loved my father. I really did. But, when you commit a crime like him, you pay for it. Dinner will be arriving shortly, and wouldn't you know it? Aunt Rose's nasty roast beef is on the menu."

Notice how it's more interesting and makes the reader want to continue? Try that :P And PM if you need any tips, I'd be glad to help :(

Edited by DemonSlayer5050, 06 July 2009 - 05:29 PM.

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Doodle_Bear

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Posted 07 July 2009 - 02:06 PM ( #6 )

What about,

Journal,

Mom and dad went on their second honeymoon.God,I feel like my life is the game of life.Ill being staying it aunt Rose's for a while.Anyway,Meghan is staying in the same room as me.Dinner is soon.Roast beef.If aunt Rose made it, Its possible she poisend it.I miss Carolina,its so cold here and its like the artic.I have to go.Aunt Rose is using her angry voice.I pray to God that Ill survive this next month with Aunt Rose.Amen.


Love,
Lila

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 07 July 2009 - 02:19 PM ( #7 )

What about,

Journal,

Mom and dad went on their second honeymoon.God,I feel like my life is the game of life.Ill being staying it aunt Rose's for a while.Anyway,Meghan is staying in the same room as me.Dinner is soon.Roast beef.If aunt Rose made it, Its possible she poisend it.I miss Carolina,its so cold here and its like the artic.I have to go.Aunt Rose is using her angry voice.I pray to God that Ill survive this next month with Aunt Rose.Amen.


Love,
Lila

It's definitely better :P

Doodle_Bear

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Posted 07 July 2009 - 02:25 PM ( #8 )

What from 1-10 what do you think?

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 07 July 2009 - 03:15 PM ( #9 )

6.5

Doodle_Bear

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Posted 07 July 2009 - 04:21 PM ( #10 )

Thanks.