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Spring Valley


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Mrs.Freezie

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Posted 17 July 2009 - 04:57 PM ( #1 )

Note that if this isn't a great story, I just got this from the nightmare I had last night, and I woke up smiling, and I knew it was a great story idea, so I welcome even the worst of criticism, but just don't put me down. HELPFULL criticism only, like how to improve it.

INTRO
.I sat on the couch watching a horror movie with my family, just like every Friday night. We have a tradition with this. Horror movies every Friday, which we call Freaky Friday. But today was different, bad different. I usually laugh at the pain and fear in the characters, but not today.
.I had a bad feeling about tonight, ever since I woke up this morning. I couldn't stop thinking about blood, weapons, and death. It scared me. Nobody would come near me, and my friends told me that I was as pale as a ghost. I cried during math class, which made the teacher all cross at me. I didn't mind, I just knew something was going on.
.So here I was, on the couch. Waiting for the girl, Anna Richard, to be shot to death by Paul Simon, the murderer of the movie. Anna screamed in terror and shock, and I wept hard and loud. I watched in horror as Paul raised his gun, and shot Anna in the head The wound in her head was fairly large, even for a bullet that big. The flesh was tearing off quickly, and blood was everywhere. I closed my eyes tight to get away from the gruesome scene. I don't quite know how to describe what came next without you running to your mother begging her to burn the book, but I could see, yes see, the movie through my eyelids, and it wasn't a pleasing sight. I opened my eyes after the horrifying vision faded, only to find myself in a completely different surrounding. Not your average location, but I was, literally, in the movie.

Edited by Mrs.Freezie, 18 July 2009 - 10:25 AM.


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17 Jul 2009

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18 Jul 2009

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 03:51 AM ( #2 )

Okay here's my criticism:

I like it so far. At first I thought you were going too fast but it IS only the intro so you're fine. The only criticism I can give is maybe try using better words. I mean like example: Bloody to Gruesome (which you did) But with other words too. Also, the plot is a bit, similar. It's similar to Open Book and to some other books by other people. So maybe mess with the plot.

Hope that helps :wub:

Mrs.Freezie

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 05:03 AM ( #3 )

Okay, thanks. My comments:

The plot is completely different than Open Book. REASONS:
1. This is with a movie, not a book.
2. This story is a BILLION times more violent thsn Open Book.
3. Open Book is more action/thriller. This is more horror/thirller.
4. This is a murder, Open Book is a actiony-typey-thingy. Well, actually, I don't know what Open Book is, but it sure ain't murder. There's 1 murder every 10 chapters!
5. This plot is more un-realistic, and Open Book is SUPPOSED *pokes everyone in Open Book that made a plot* to be realistic.
6. There are no powers in Open Book, and this book has powers.
7. I'd say with my Open Book editing, Open Book would be PG, and Spring Valley would be PG 13.

And there is also tons of differrences more, but I only got like maybe to chaper 2 with my dream, so I don't quite know how the full plot will go with my imagination. lol

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 06:06 AM ( #4 )

Okay, thanks. My comments:

The plot is completely different than Open Book. REASONS:
1. This is with a movie, not a book.
2. This story is a BILLION times more violent thsn Open Book.
3. Open Book is more action/thriller. This is more horror/thirller.
4. This is a murder, Open Book is a actiony-typey-thingy. Well, actually, I don't know what Open Book is, but it sure ain't murder. There's 1 murder every 10 chapters!
5. This plot is more un-realistic, and Open Book is SUPPOSED *pokes everyone in Open Book that made a plot* to be realistic.
6. There are no powers in Open Book, and this book has powers.
7. I'd say with my Open Book editing, Open Book would be PG, and Spring Valley would be PG 13.

And there is also tons of differrences more, but I only got like maybe to chaper 2 with my dream, so I don't quite know how the full plot will go with my imagination. lol

1. It is still very similar. A movie is similar to a book
3. Typically horrors include a lot of action
5. ...Getting trapped in a book isn't anymore realistic than getting trapped in a movie.

Those were mostly my thoughts :wub:

Mrs.Freezie

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 07:02 AM ( #5 )

Okay, my points again.

1. Yes,we have that. But I created Open Book and I give myself permission to write this. XDD
2. This is more horror and murder than Open Book. People in Open Book are more brave and willing, and Spring Valley, the characters are scared.
3. Open Book IS more realistic than Spring Valley. OPEN BOOK; Regular people with real feelings and thoughts. SPRING VALLEY: Witches, Vampires, people who can teleport. Now, Open Book has none of that.

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 07:21 AM ( #6 )

Okay, my points again.

1. Yes,we have that. But I created Open Book and I give myself permission to write this. XDD
2. This is more horror and murder than Open Book. People in Open Book are more brave and willing, and Spring Valley, the characters are scared.
3. Open Book IS more realistic than Spring Valley. OPEN BOOK; Regular people with real feelings and thoughts. SPRING VALLEY: Witches, Vampires, people who can teleport. Now, Open Book has none of that.

1. I guess but still it is very similar to movies with those plots.

2.Horror and murder include danger, which usually has action in it.

3. People getting captured in a book isn't realistic. People getting trapped in a movie isn't anymore realistic. Despite the characters.

I'm not trying to argue just saying xD

Mrs.Freezie

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 07:36 AM ( #7 )

1. yes, but I'm not trying to get this story published. Not that I ever want to get stories published if b**chy editors boss me around, and I get treated like crap. So this is just for fun.

2. Open Book is not murder, Spring Valley is.

3. I know neither of them is realistic, it's just that Open Book is MORE realistic.

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 07:40 AM ( #8 )

1. yes, but I'm not trying to get this story published. Not that I ever want to get stories published if b**chy editors boss me around, and I get treated like crap. So this is just for fun.

2. Open Book is not murder, Spring Valley is.

3. I know neither of them is realistic, it's just that Open Book is MORE realistic.

1. okay
2. yeah but action is within murder xD
3. okay

Mrs.Freezie

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 07:49 AM ( #9 )

2. Open book is nowhere near murder. Seriously. Maybe one or 2. (counts murders.) Okay, 7, but come on! Have you seen the popularity of my role play. It's nearing 200 pages, so that's a heck small number.

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 07:51 AM ( #10 )

2. Open book is nowhere near murder. Seriously. Maybe one or 2. (counts murders.) Okay, 7, but come on! Have you seen the popularity of my role play. It's nearing 200 pages, so that's a heck small number.

You're not understanding me. I'm not saying it doesn't have as much murder, I'm saying it has just as much action, considering murder usually consists of action.

Mrs.Freezie

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 08:01 AM ( #11 )

oh, Okay. But you've made so many points with this, I'm saying "screw you author" and "screw you Spring Valley" and "Screw you Open Book" and "Screw you any other stories I've made" because I usually end up writing the same idea as other stories/movies I've never heard of, and I do NOT want to risk that If I'm gonna be an author.

Anyway, thanks for your help.

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 08:07 AM ( #12 )

I'm sorry if I made you mad -_- I only meant to give my criticism...

Mrs.Freezie

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 08:11 AM ( #13 )

^I'm not mad at you. Mad at stupid people with the stories I never heard of that I might get sued for writing a story even MODERATLY similar.

DemonSlayer5050

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 08:21 AM ( #14 )

^I'm not mad at you. Mad at stupid people with the stories I never heard of that I might get sued for writing a story even MODERATLY similar.

Yeah, that's the hard thing with being an author. xP

You could always mess with the plots. Sometimes I get ideas from songs but I don't want a lawsuit so I try changing it, yet keeping the same meaning.

If that makes sense xD (Sorry, I'm Chatting I'll stop)

Mrs.Freezie

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 08:25 AM ( #15 )

^agree. Maybe if we're gonna rant on about stupid unknone authors and B**chy editors to continue in PM. XDD