Jump to content


Photo
- - - - -

My first story I completed


  • Please log in to reply

Poll: Did you like my story? (pick what you've read up to, if not the whole thing) (4 member(s) have cast votes)

Vote Guests cannot vote

Tamagotchi~Dutchess

  • tamagotchidutchess user photo
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 202 posts
  • Joined: 30-July 09

Posted 31 August 2009 - 11:35 AM ( #1 )

I have my very first story that I wrote to share in 5 sections. Please leave comments/poll votes. :P Thank you.

"The Secret Society of Buttercup is now called to order!" declared Sapphire. She set down her usual treat - white with pink icing. Everyone had their specific orders; Stella's being a devil dog.
"What is the subject of today's meeting?" asked Kate, knowing fully well why thy were there, but asked out of custom and order.
"I believe we are discussing the Fifth Official Matter of the SSB said Electra, gravely picking the icing off of her cupcake.
"Right, the Fifth Matter being, one of the most - controversial, and frankly stupid issues - "
"That is a matter opinion," interrupted Kate.
"For me to decide," said Sapphire with arrogance. No one commented. Sapphire was the leader of the SSB, and the unofficial outside group that made up the Society. And even in the middle of this war, they respected her.

"It seems that we find ourselves divided among our masters," said Sapphire.
"This meeting isn't going to work," said Stella in warning tones.
"Daddzy says it will," insisted Sapphire. She, Gwendolyn and Electra were all of the same party. Kate looked smug while Stella and Ruby glanced at each other.
"We should just get this over with," said Gwendolyn. "After this Society was formed, we got swept up into this war, destroying ever after our warm connections."
"That's true," allowed Stella.
"Over a stupid reason," repeated Sapphire. "And the stretching of the truth.
"Just why?" cried Electra. "You went and accused me and that's when it started."
"But we only accused you of what you did!" protested Kate.
"We didn't even declare war." defended Ruby.
"Oh, but what did you do? You shunned us, ridiculed us, just for supporting the Sun - " began Gwendolyn.
"Do you know what that means?!"


Replies

10

Views

403

Started

31 Aug 2009

Last Post

11 Sep 2009

Goggle-Face

  • goggle-face user photo
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 4,791 posts
  • Joined: 31-May 08

Posted 31 August 2009 - 12:13 PM ( #2 )

Where's the rest? I've searched everywhere, I can't critique it unless I find it all >_>

~Yogurt~

  • yogurt user photo
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 106 posts
  • Joined: 07-July 09

Posted 31 August 2009 - 05:34 PM ( #3 )

Yeah,Me either,where did you post it?Or did you even post it at all?

Tamagotchi~Dutchess

  • tamagotchidutchess user photo
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 202 posts
  • Joined: 30-July 09

Posted 04 September 2009 - 09:23 AM ( #4 )

I am going to post a new section from the story every few days. This is part II...

"We just protected ourselves from shame," said Stella.
"Do you know how mean that is?" cried Gwendolyn.
"It wasn't even like that! You were cheering me on!" Electra continued.
"No, were were not!" retorted Ruby.
"Yes, you were."
"The point being what you did after Electra joined the Sun - "
"For protection, anger...." began Kate.
"No, it was just being mean!" said Sapphire.
"Look, it's not working." Stella rolled her eyes as the bickering continued for several more minutes.

"Why does it matter if we support the Sun? You should too!" said Sapphire.
"As I have said before, being associated with the Sun is... undesirable..." Kate tried to explain.
"Still no reason to abandon half the society, in such a cruel way."
"This is obviously a story no one understands," sighed Ruby.
"And our meeting is already over," said Gwendolyn looking at her watch.
They collectively stood up, and rearranged the chairs and tables, not meant for a crowd to be debating over. Stella had been right, as she was now congratulating herself. The meeting had been useless renewal of the same old problems and ignorance.

Stella looked at the moon. She saw it within that moment: her leader. A beautiful spirit, a pearl gleaming against the navy of the night. So sure that the Moon was the right way, the one who should rule the sky. Principals of stealth, excitement and preparation wen with the Moon; a seemingly most popular candidate. Stella thought this, sitting halfway through her window. She knew as she prayed to the Moon, her companions, now the enemy, would be sleeping. Not supporting. They would be up at dawn.

Dawn. The beauty of the morning, before the conspiracies that darken life have begun. These were the thoughts of Gwendolyn, peering out into the world. The sky over the New York City skyline, pink and blue slowly growing warmer. Principals of kindness, freedom and exploration pertained to the Sun and were valued deeply by Gwendolyn. To shine apart and not follow others and not let night muddle you thoughts. Gwendolyn felt bad for those she once spent time with, agreed with. Now they were shadowed, and she could not save them. After all - as Gwendolyn was thinking - there was the Sun to be thinking about.


Goggle-Face

  • goggle-face user photo
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 4,791 posts
  • Joined: 31-May 08

Posted 04 September 2009 - 09:31 AM ( #5 )

It's good.

But are you going to describe what "The Sun" is? Sure, it's omnious and all, we are thinking "Wow! The Sun must be powerful!" But droppinghints on waht it can be is boring. How about you explain it with flashbacks and a paragraph of thinking.

Tamagotchi~Dutchess

  • tamagotchidutchess user photo
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 202 posts
  • Joined: 30-July 09

Posted 04 September 2009 - 04:56 PM ( #6 )

It's good.

But are you going to describe what "The Sun" is? Sure, it's omnious and all, we are thinking "Wow! The Sun must be powerful!" But droppinghints on waht it can be is boring. How about you explain it with flashbacks and a paragraph of thinking.

here, the sun is literally the sun that lights the sky. :huh: I tried to make those 2 paragraphs with Stella and Gwen explain that, and why it was such a big deal to them. The Sun and Moon are almost like god to them... in a way...

But thank you for the advice, maybe I'll try to make those paragraphs more clear. :o

Goggle-Face

  • goggle-face user photo
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 4,791 posts
  • Joined: 31-May 08

Posted 05 September 2009 - 11:00 AM ( #7 )

Since this is only going to be 5 parts, you really should pad this story out for more than a paragraph or two. Make it like, 3000 words or more each part. This'll end with an unsatisfying conclusion, and it'll seemed rushed. Make these parts longer. The ending, if it's a fight scene or something, it'll be like "The girls fought and won", since these parts are so short.

Tamagotchi~Dutchess

  • tamagotchidutchess user photo
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 202 posts
  • Joined: 30-July 09

Posted 06 September 2009 - 03:28 PM ( #8 )

"I had a vision."
The words were said abruptly and simply at the noon of a winter day. The words were spoken by a girl wrapped in a scarf, with her hand on a tree. The Tree.
"A vision?" repeated Ruby, glancing a disbelieving look at her. "How?"
"Through a dream, don't usually have them that way though." Kate's eyes remained on the Tree.
"Really, a vision? About what?"
"About the war."
"Us?" asked Ruby urgently.
"We will not win. The Sun will win."
"That can't be." Stella squinted.
"I saw that the Moon will fall, and then so will we," said Kate, and quietly added "Whether that fact be good or bad."
Stella caught it.
"Good or bad? It is undoubtedly bad!"
"If the stars say it is to be so, can it really be bad? If the stars say it is so, then it is meant to be."
Both Ruby and Stella looked at Kate in an odd way.

Over the tree passes of the moon, the two groups became even more estranged than ever before. The two spirits of the Sun and Moon continued to war, causing chaos almost everywhere. Right down to the six girls. But as the winter gave way to the spring, things seemed to lean to one side. Kate and Stella would often find themselves gazing off to the Sun supporters, basking in the noon while they hid by their tree. The thing was that for a moment, they seemed happy! A lost world, that perhaps they were a part of. But it lasted only a minute. And the rest of the time, they faithfully stood by the Moon, and with Ruby there, they stood where they did. Watching the Sun supporters. After all, it was not like anything could ever remotely be the same ever again.

And so, three passes of the moon later, the Supporters of SUn lay where they would. The same old place, once a place of gathering, now only for them. They lay in a formation letting the sun fall on them.
"Horrible." Kate scowled. She looked beside her, but only Stella was there.
Stella pointed to the banding place of the Sun, where out in the open, was Ruby. She, looking quite traitorous, had walked up to the enemy. The other half of the old SSB had long been just - 'the enemy'.
"Look," breathed Kate in horror. Ruby sat in the middle of the circle - lay down - and began the gesture of the Sun. Ruby was worshipping the Sun.


Tamagotchi~Dutchess

  • tamagotchidutchess user photo
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 202 posts
  • Joined: 30-July 09

Posted 11 September 2009 - 06:48 AM ( #9 )

FINAL:

Kate observed them. She realized how amazingly happy and carefree they really did look. In the spring air, she remembered what had happened so easily before, the spring before... No! Of course not. Even with the knowledge that the Moon was weakening, she couldn't voluntarily abandon the Moon! Then again... all together...
Kate glanced over her shoulder. Stella was gone. The April wind blew. The chill was a reminder to stay awake, always aware, work was play, play was never play. Kate closed her eyes and walked to the Supporters of the Sun.
"The Moon has weakened," commented Electra, stating the biting obvious as a greeting.
"Yes," admitted Kate, looking down at Ruby. Ruby did not look up.
"Can I... join you?" Kate said awkwardly, not fully understanding what she was doing.
"Sure," allowed Sapphire. The group rearranged themselves to fir Kate into the formation. As they all looked up at the sky, it flickered for half a second, and then it got substantially brighter. The way they were, they all read the sky. Stella appeared.
"The Moon has lost," said Kate with her eyes closed.
"I know." Stella's words were said coldly, pressing guilt upon her. But now it was guilt from two sides. It was really a matter of the Sun or the Moon for the first time. Ruby opened her eyes to Stella's frown. Kate peeked.
"Perhaps," Kate offered. "It is the way we must go."


x.:DragonFire:.x9705

  • xdragonfirex9705 user photo
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 481 posts
  • Joined: 24-August 09

Posted 11 September 2009 - 12:17 PM ( #10 )

Okay, first, it's really confusing.
Second, with each part, if you read it over, it doesn't link together. I mean, it seems like you're reading, and go from page five and skip to page 12.
Third, the ending was complicated. It doesn't end with a decent conclusion.
Fourth, it's a really short, unsatifying story in my opinion.
Fifth, you have to give reason to every little "suggestion" in the story. Like explain what the sun is, and why Ruby was worshiping it.


Take my advise. Use more discriptive words, make it longer, give reasons, explain. And maybe that will get you good comments.

Goggle-Face

  • goggle-face user photo
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 4,791 posts
  • Joined: 31-May 08

Posted 11 September 2009 - 03:50 PM ( #11 )

Exactly what Kay said.