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Envy


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White_Roses2

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Posted 24 September 2009 - 11:54 PM ( #1 )

I started writing this story yesterday. It's a love story, and I hope it works. It's about a girl called Rose and Shadow Prince(sounds gay) from another world called Envy. Envy is the son of a Dark Queen who named her seven children after the Seven Deadly Sins. They are all evil, then Envy meets Rose and realizes what life should be (but he pretends to still be evil).
So what do you think of it so far?

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Envy (written from Rose's point of view.)

It's funny how envy is the thing people hate to feel. The thing you feel when another person kisses your crush. The feeling you get when you see a beautiful girl at the prom and you are wearing the colour that looks worst on you. The feeling you get when you lose.

It's also funny how Envy is my greatest love. It's funny how I love the thing that knows me so well but could kill me without feeling anything more than the million things that love me so much.

If I could see the future I would know. I would have re-thought everything. I would look closer at the things that matter to me.

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That's all I have so far.

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Started

24 Sep 2009

Last Post

14 Oct 2009

[-Horizons///]

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Posted 25 September 2009 - 10:29 PM ( #2 )

It's certainly an interesting introduction. In that very last paragraph, I would add one sentence at the very end that would just add that extra kick. That's all I would do to edit.

I like it, it's got the potential to be interesting if you write it correctly.


[[ Also, with Envy and Lust, [i]I knew I saw a pattern![i] That just makes me feel good. Ignore this completely. ]]

White_Roses2

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Posted 25 September 2009 - 11:41 PM ( #3 )

[[ Yeah... ]]

Thanks! I was gonna write: I would know that all this time Envy thought the same of me.

But that kinda gives away the whole thing

GotchiGirl96

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Posted 27 September 2009 - 02:12 PM ( #4 )

It's a good beginning. I like how it's not a classic introduction, but moreso a look into the theme of the story, if you know what I mean. Definitely got potential. (:

White_Roses2

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Posted 02 October 2009 - 12:17 AM ( #5 )

Oh, wow! Thanks! I hope I can keep it up.

GotchiGirl96

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Posted 11 October 2009 - 06:12 PM ( #6 )

Good luck with it~ I hope to read more of the plot in the future.

White_Roses2

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Posted 12 October 2009 - 01:49 AM ( #7 )

Yes, you most likely will. I was wondering for your thought on this idea: The first chapter is called Rose and it's set from Rose's point of view. Then there is the second chapter called Envy and it's in Envy's point of view. And as I continue to write it, I might occasionally rotate between the two?

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Posted 12 October 2009 - 12:22 PM ( #8 )

^ Like Noughts & Crosses?
I think that would be great, because I love to read what all the characters are thinking, and I think it's more suspenseful when the reader knows something the other person in the story doesn't. xD
But I wouldn't put chapters after each other in the same point of view. E.g.:
Chapter One - Rose
Chapter Two - Envy
Chapter Three - Rose
Chapter Four - Rose

I think it's better to alternate every chapter. [:
I like the beginning, I think, like others have said, that it has potential. It's sounds like a really powerful sort of story!

And really reminds me of Noughts & Crosses, even before I read the alternating chapter bit...

White_Roses2

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Posted 14 October 2009 - 12:42 AM ( #9 )

Yeah, I guess so. That would be easier, rotating at each chapter. I'll make it obvious tht it switches though. At the start of chapter one, after that first bit, I have Rose sitting in front of the TV and then the news comes on and it tells her about the portal, and so she runs and she sees gorgeously handsome Envy step out of the portal, and in Chapter Two it starts with Envy and his six sisters going through the portal with their mother.

Does that make sense because that was one big sentence.