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The Lost King's Crown


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LOVE.

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Posted 12 October 2009 - 12:32 PM ( #1 )

Uhkay, so, after a lot of debating with myself, I decided to show you guys the story I'm writing. Writer's block, however, has infiltrated my system at the moment, so I'mma just show you a little bit by little bit, 'cause then I'll have time to write summore. x3

Here we are, then:

A dark shadow flitted across the room, diving through the red lasers as if they were simply some thin branches a particulary experienced tree climber was avoiding.
The dark figure stepped into a ray of moonlight shining in from an open window. The way his broad shoulders were set and his slightly strutted walk clearly showed it was a man. His face was covered in a black balaclava, and he was dressed from head to toe in black clothes.
He turned his head left and right, as if checking if anyone was there. Seemingly satisfied, he crossed the polished white floor to a single, marble table. On the table was a pure gold crown, encased in a glass box. The man counted the gems twinkling in the moonlight. Six. Six deep, blood red rubies set in the golden crown.
Again, he checked to make sure no one was there. Then, silently, he pulled out a small gun from his apparently weightless rucksack. Lifting it above his head, he brought it down quickly and smashed it into the smooth glass.
Immediately, alarms sounded. Lights began to flash. The man had expected this; he grabbed the crown and ran for his life.


Please give my critisism (sp?) etc. [:

Edit; Oh, BTW, that was the prologue. :3

Edited by LOVE., 12 October 2009 - 12:33 PM.


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12 Oct 2009

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15 Oct 2009

White_Roses2

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Posted 14 October 2009 - 02:21 AM ( #2 )

Interesting. You're good at describing. Only here: The way his broad shoulders were set and his slightly strutted walk clearly showed it was a man.
I would not write his as it defeats the point of clearly showed it was a man. and instead I would say The way their broad shoulders were set.

LOVE.

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Posted 15 October 2009 - 02:11 PM ( #3 )

^ That makes sense. [;