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Tommorow brings anew


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~Yogurt~

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Posted 13 October 2009 - 03:03 PM ( #1 )

Here is my story:


Chapter 1,Hush:

As the wind tore at my windows and thunder stomped along the wind.I was sleeping in a restless state,all of the sudden I woke,but didn't open my eyes,I heard my mother whisper in my ear,"hush,tommorow brings anew"She tipoed back to her room.I eard a door close and my eyes popped open.I Mary May.Sat up and looked at my cat strech and show her little pink tongue.



Thats all I got.

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7

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Started

13 Oct 2009

Last Post

26 Oct 2009

GotchiGirl96

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Posted 13 October 2009 - 05:18 PM ( #2 )

... Not a bad start, but honestly, it's not that good either. It's really not that your actual context was so bad, I mean, it was short, but what threw me off the most was your grammar. You had a lot of punctuation errors and that makes the story aesthetically displeasing and hard to read. Once you add more of the plot in, and fix up your mechanics mistakes, you'll have a good start. (:

White_Roses2

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Posted 14 October 2009 - 01:57 AM ( #3 )

I agree with GotchiGirl96.

Look:

along the wind.I was sleeping
No space in between the sentences.
along the wind. I was sleeping
Space in between the sentences.
I Mary May.Sat up and
Shouldn't that be a comma?
I Mary May, sat up and
It makes more sense this way.
I woke,but didn't
No space in between the sentences.
I woke, but didn't
Space in between the sentences.
ear,"hush,tommorow brings anew"She
1.No space after the comma. 2. No capital letter. 3. No full stop. 4. No space after the speaking mark.[i]
ear, "Hush,tommorow brings anew." She
[i]All things corrected.
And so on.


GotchiGirl96

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Posted 19 October 2009 - 07:46 PM ( #4 )

^ Mhm. I'll rewrite it for you the grammatically correct way. (:

As the wind tore at my windows and thunder stomped along the wind, I was sleeping in a restless state. All of the sudden I woke, but didn't open my eyes. I heard my mother whisper in my ear, "Hush, tommorow brings anew." She tipoed back to her room. I heard a door close and my eyes popped open. I, Mary May, sat up and looked at my cat stretch and show her little pink tongue.

Notice the corrections I made, and hopefully that will help you out when you write more of your story.

~Yogurt~

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Posted 20 October 2009 - 06:34 PM ( #5 )

Thanks you.So other than gramer,is it ok?

GotchiGirl96

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Posted 24 October 2009 - 03:29 PM ( #6 )

^ Yep, after I read it over with the corrections added, I liked the way it sounded. You've got an interesting beginning. Definitely potential. (:
Also, I meant tiptoed, not tipoed. xD

~Yogurt~

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Posted 25 October 2009 - 01:21 PM ( #7 )

XD.Thanks,I need that boost,you made my day.

~Yogurt~

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Posted 26 October 2009 - 03:36 PM ( #8 )

How bout,

As the Wind tore at my windows and thunder crashed,I had been tossing and turning in a restless state.Earlier that day,I had gotten into a fight With The Scullen boy across the street,and I got made fun of and picked on in every kind of way.My mother, Jessica Alborn, had known.She mustv'e heard me turning because I heard footsteps then a small chocked voice whiperd "Shhhh,tommorow brings anew".Then the foots steps got quieter and quieter until I couldn't here them at all.I woke up this morning to the russtle of my two brothers,Jack and micheal.as I tiptoed downstairs,my mother as on the phone.She hung up.But when I said 'good morning' she ignored me and walked off,whats wrong?


Thats all I got.