Posted 22 October 2009 - 08:36 PM
Martha walks up to me. " Emo needs love? " She said in form of a question.
I didn't smile " Sure..."
Martha had given me a long hug.
" Emos don't need that much love. " I sighed.
" What's wrong Phil? " Martha asked me.
" Just thinking again. " I sighed.
" About your crush? " Martha would have said his name but there was already 10 people in the room. Adrian hasn't enterd yet.
I looked at her meanly. " Ur mean Mrs.Rudey girl daffy funkyduck whoever you are. "
Martha smiled and gave me another hug.
" No. Noo. No! Mrs.Raper Stop. Just Stop. " I smiled.
Martha smiled " I got you to smile! "
I frowned. She hit me.
" Abuse! " I sorta yelled as adrian walked through the door.
Martha hugged me again.
" Quit rapping me Mrs. Raper! " I laughed now.
Martha stuck her touge out at me.
" Pshhhh. I can Do soo better than THAT! " i said.
" Prove it!" Martha said.
I sang this song Lala
There is more. But i can't write that much now cause i have to go soon!
Posted 23 October 2009 - 03:02 PM
Also, it feels more like a blog on MySpace or something, not an actual story. /:
But if you just corrected the errors and maybe started the story slightly better, I'm sure it could be great. [:
Posted 23 October 2009 - 04:03 PM
And in some parts it sounds a bit like a play script, alot of dialogue. However, it's creative. Just muck around with the sentences a bit and replace a few words and that will be a fab beginning to a story. Also, I believe it's your own experience? If it is, there's nothing wrong with added a few made up things aswell to add to the story. Personally, I think it's better for things to be wrote in the 3rd person, but hey it's your story do what you like. It's just my opinion.
All in all, it's a good start. I just think it needs a bit of editing. Don't take this in a bad way, it's just there's room for improvement. ;]
Edit: I realised it said Phil in it, so I removed the bit about giving the character a name! xD
Edited by -Tamacandy, 24 October 2009 - 09:30 AM.
Posted 23 October 2009 - 04:15 PM
Posted 23 October 2009 - 06:21 PM
Posted 24 October 2009 - 09:26 AM
Edited by -Tamacandy, 24 October 2009 - 09:27 AM.
Posted 24 October 2009 - 10:18 AM
I tell people if I like what they've written and if I don't. The reason you post your work on here is for people to express their opinions about it. If you don't want people to give you constructive critisism, then don't post whatever it is you've written. It's that simple.
If I don't quite like what people have written, I'll just give them a few tips I think would help to make it better. It's not terrible. It just needs some work. The reason I've said someone's story is good is because I think it is. Really, I don't know why you're bringing other people into this when me and Keeley were just giving you some advice.
Now, I really don't know how I'm being "racist to your story", so if you could PM me or something explaining that then please do.
Posted 24 October 2009 - 03:09 PM
Posted 24 October 2009 - 03:24 PM
The story has tons of grammar and spelling mistakes, making it difficult to read and even a bit tedious. There is absolutely no plot structure and the way you worded things made it sound a little childish.
If you actually think about how this story is going to unfold and plan it out a bit more, on top of correcting your mechanics mistakes, it will be a lot better.
Posted 26 October 2009 - 08:44 PM
Posted 27 October 2009 - 05:49 PM
We're not hating your writing. We are pointing out some mistakes that every writer has made at some point in their life. We're trying to help your writing. If you can't accept it, then please don't tell us we're being racist. Deal with it slightly more maturely.
Posted 27 October 2009 - 05:56 PM
Posted 28 October 2009 - 08:52 AM
The forum description reads:
This is your chance to be creative (and show off your writing skills). Post your stories here for others to read and comment on!
If you post your writing here, you are inviting comments and opinions on it.
All comments are valid here - as long as they fall within our site rules.
I have read through this topic to check that all replies have complied with the rules.
No one is "hating" on your writing.
No one is posting "hate" comments.
In my opinion they are making friendly, respectful replies with the intention of positive contribution to your story. Perhaps you are being a little over-sensitive? (The only unfriendly comments I have read have been your own replies).
In any case, since it pains you so to hear any constructive criticism about your writing I will close this thread and suggest that you have a think about whether you want to post any more writing in this sub-forum.
If you decide that you are OK with friendly, helpful, constructive comments, please feel free to make a new topic