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A love story


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xxXEmoXxXLoveXxx </3

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 08:36 PM ( #1 )

3rd had come for Me. I sighed as I walked into the empty room. I sat at my desk only to wait for martha to walk through. As MArtha walked through I got up. Deep in my mind I wonder these thoughts " What will he look like today? " " Will today he have a new girlfriend" " Will today he speak to me or will it just be painfully silent between us? " Its complete pain if we never speak in 3rd hour. It pracitlyy ruins my whole day.

Martha walks up to me. " Emo needs love? " She said in form of a question.
I didn't smile " Sure..."
Martha had given me a long hug.
" Emos don't need that much love. " I sighed.
" What's wrong Phil? " Martha asked me.
" Just thinking again. " I sighed.
" About your crush? " Martha would have said his name but there was already 10 people in the room. Adrian hasn't enterd yet.
I looked at her meanly. " Ur mean Mrs.Rudey girl daffy funkyduck whoever you are. "
Martha smiled and gave me another hug.
" No. Noo. No! Mrs.Raper Stop. Just Stop. " I smiled.
Martha smiled " I got you to smile! "
I frowned. She hit me.
" Abuse! " I sorta yelled as adrian walked through the door.
Martha hugged me again.
" Quit rapping me Mrs. Raper! " I laughed now.
Martha stuck her touge out at me.

" Pshhhh. I can Do soo better than THAT! " i said.

" Prove it!" Martha said.

I sang this song Lala

----------------------------------------------
There is more. But i can't write that much now cause i have to go soon!

Replies

13

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Started

22 Oct 2009

Last Post

28 Oct 2009

LOVE.

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Posted 23 October 2009 - 03:02 PM ( #2 )

It needs quite a lot of editing, and it feels like you just wrote it off the top of your head? Not that that's a bad thing, 'cause that's what I do. But it didn't seem to have a structure.
Also, it feels more like a blog on MySpace or something, not an actual story. /:
But if you just corrected the errors and maybe started the story slightly better, I'm sure it could be great. [:

-Tamacandy

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Posted 23 October 2009 - 04:03 PM ( #3 )

^ I agree with Kendal.
And in some parts it sounds a bit like a play script, alot of dialogue. However, it's creative. Just muck around with the sentences a bit and replace a few words and that will be a fab beginning to a story. Also, I believe it's your own experience? If it is, there's nothing wrong with added a few made up things aswell to add to the story. Personally, I think it's better for things to be wrote in the 3rd person, but hey it's your story do what you like. It's just my opinion.
All in all, it's a good start. I just think it needs a bit of editing. Don't take this in a bad way, it's just there's room for improvement. ;]

Edit: I realised it said Phil in it, so I removed the bit about giving the character a name! xD

Edited by -Tamacandy, 24 October 2009 - 09:30 AM.


xxXEmoXxXLoveXxx </3

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Posted 23 October 2009 - 04:15 PM ( #4 )

You two are being rasict against my stroy. I wanna cry! jk but you are being rascit.

-Tamacandy

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Posted 23 October 2009 - 04:18 PM ( #5 )

Hmz, how are we being racist?

xxXEmoXxXLoveXxx </3

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Posted 23 October 2009 - 06:21 PM ( #6 )

You being mean to my Story. Plus you're telling everyone else's Awesome job when thier is half good o something! And of course mine is terrible!

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Posted 24 October 2009 - 09:26 AM ( #7 )

Edit: I don't think I should reply. Just incase this turns to flaming. ;]

Edited by -Tamacandy, 24 October 2009 - 09:27 AM.


LOVE.

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Posted 24 October 2009 - 10:18 AM ( #8 )

Now you're over reacting. /:
I tell people if I like what they've written and if I don't. The reason you post your work on here is for people to express their opinions about it. If you don't want people to give you constructive critisism, then don't post whatever it is you've written. It's that simple.
If I don't quite like what people have written, I'll just give them a few tips I think would help to make it better. It's not terrible. It just needs some work. The reason I've said someone's story is good is because I think it is. Really, I don't know why you're bringing other people into this when me and Keeley were just giving you some advice.

Now, I really don't know how I'm being "racist to your story", so if you could PM me or something explaining that then please do.

xxKarouxXxHikaruxx

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Posted 24 October 2009 - 03:09 PM ( #9 )

OMG this is just like a play! I love plays! you should make one just of dilouge! that'd be fun for Courtney and I to act out!! Hahahaha Courtney said please. I say thank you!!

GotchiGirl96

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Posted 24 October 2009 - 03:24 PM ( #10 )

As a bit of helpful advice, I'd recommend looking up the word racist in the dictionary.

The story has tons of grammar and spelling mistakes, making it difficult to read and even a bit tedious. There is absolutely no plot structure and the way you worded things made it sound a little childish.

If you actually think about how this story is going to unfold and plan it out a bit more, on top of correcting your mechanics mistakes, it will be a lot better.

xxXEmoXxXLoveXxx </3

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Posted 26 October 2009 - 08:44 PM ( #11 )

It was meant to be dilouge for my frined who's email is being suckish right now. it was her birthday and she loves dilouge stuff. I use the word rasict as a ' joke. ' but i honstely will reconcider being a writer and being something that doesn't make you people start hating on my writing. I have put alot of work into writing. since 1st grade. I have ADHD i have ADD. i do get off topic alot. it isn't my fault though.

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Posted 27 October 2009 - 05:49 PM ( #12 )

The word racist is in no way a joke. :L

We're not hating your writing. We are pointing out some mistakes that every writer has made at some point in their life. We're trying to help your writing. If you can't accept it, then please don't tell us we're being racist. Deal with it slightly more maturely.

xxXEmoXxXLoveXxx </3

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Posted 27 October 2009 - 05:56 PM ( #13 )

It's kind of hard to deal with hate comments when two of your close friends have commited suicde because of hate comments. The first was on a blog website and it was forced to shut down because of all the law suits. The other is from youtube. The family tried so hard to sue youtube for letting such haterd on that website. Our city has lost at least 12 teens from hate comments. So please stop. And if you were my frined who knew me. You would get the joke. I'd usally say " Quit being rasict against my hair. " I am sorry. Ok?

TamaMum

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Posted 28 October 2009 - 08:52 AM ( #14 )

This sub-forum is "Stuff We Write".
The forum description reads:

This is your chance to be creative (and show off your writing skills). Post your stories here for others to read and comment on!


If you post your writing here, you are inviting comments and opinions on it.

All comments are valid here - as long as they fall within our site rules.

I have read through this topic to check that all replies have complied with the rules.

No one is "hating" on your writing.

No one is posting "hate" comments.

In my opinion they are making friendly, respectful replies with the intention of positive contribution to your story. Perhaps you are being a little over-sensitive? (The only unfriendly comments I have read have been your own replies).

In any case, since it pains you so to hear any constructive criticism about your writing I will close this thread and suggest that you have a think about whether you want to post any more writing in this sub-forum.

If you decide that you are OK with friendly, helpful, constructive comments, please feel free to make a new topic ;)

*closed*