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Ew, this poem needs major editing.


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GotchiGirl96

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Posted 26 November 2009 - 08:21 PM ( #1 )

To love is to hate
To succeed is to fail
Although going through everything
Has ceased to prevail
She strives for perfection
Yearns for contentment
Does all in her power
To be able to present it
That moment of pride
That second of glory
She wishes upon a star
To come true, her fairytale story

Doesn't that sound so... off? Yuck, it's horrible. Do something about this. Give me crit. Be really harsh. I need it. I haven't written a good poem since 3rd grade. D:

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Started

26 Nov 2009

Last Post

28 Feb 2010

*LoVeLy.SwAn.23*

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Posted 26 November 2009 - 10:08 PM ( #2 )

Okay, I have nothing on you, but the first part has nothing to do with the last part. Remember: You're telling a story.

Keanitchi

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Posted 27 November 2009 - 07:01 AM ( #3 )

that was really good, but i dont think everything flows together

GotchiGirl96

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Posted 27 November 2009 - 12:15 PM ( #4 )

Yeah, that stuff was bothering me too. I see what you're saying. Told you I needed major editing. Let me try it now.

She sees her reflection
And sighs with despair
She strives for perfection
But it's just not there
That moment of pride
That second of glory
She wishes upon a star
To come true, her fairytale story

I took out like... the whole beginning. I think it's better now, but something still doesn't seem right. Help! xD

*LoVeLy.SwAn.23*

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Posted 27 November 2009 - 07:57 PM ( #5 )

I like it! Now if you wanted to include the beginning try making it a separate paragraph!

GotchiGirl96

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Posted 27 November 2009 - 09:24 PM ( #6 )

Good idea. Thanks so much for your advice. (:

*LoVeLy.SwAn.23*

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Posted 27 November 2009 - 09:48 PM ( #7 )

Good idea. Thanks so much for your advice. (:

Anytime!

mametchi_luver

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Posted 14 February 2010 - 01:27 AM ( #8 )

great i love the second one

GotchiGirl96

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Posted 28 February 2010 - 07:19 PM ( #9 )

Thanks. I extended it and created another poem.

Her heart is an emblem
Of all that is true.
To get closer to freedom
Is what she wants to do.

She sees her reflection
And sighs with despair.
She strives for perfection,
But it's just not there.

Life is a mess.
It's like there's no way out.
She wants to compress
Her feelings of doubt.

To get away from here
Is for what she hopes.
Freedom may be near,
But for now, she must cope.

She's feeling lost.
She's trapped on this Earth.
The brutal cost
Of what her life is worth.

She wishes upon a star
For that one second of glory.
At this point, it's not far
From coming true, her fairytale story.