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It's Not My Fault


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monkeez_cutiez

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Posted 18 December 2009 - 02:34 AM ( #1 )

CHAPTER 1

Felicity walked through the halls of Stoneybrook High. She took a glance around. The school was huge! She saw the room she was looking for and pushed the door open.
"Ah! You must be the new student! I'm Miss Westerley" the teacher said. Felicity took a look around the classroom. "Class, this is Felicity. She'll be joining us for the rest of the year. I hope you'll make her feel welcome" Miss Westerley announced. As she said this, Felicity noticed one of the prettiest girls in the class lean over to her friend and whisper something. The girls laughed quietly. "There's a spare seat over there, next to Kathryn", Miss Westerley pointed. Felicity walked over and sat next to Kathryn.

At lunch, Kathryn showed her which kids not to mess with. "That's Brooke. She's like the queen of tenth grade. Do not mess with her. Her friends are Diana, Elizabeth, Laura, Taryn and Hades. You say that hay-dee by the way. Like Haylee but with a D. Over there, that's Amy. I talk to her, but she hasn't got many friends. Heck I don't have many friends since I gave up on hanging out with Brooke" Kathryn laughed. Felicity grimaced. "Oh, you've met the school lunches. These lunches are what you can call real crap. Go on spit it out, I don't care!" Kathryn was laughing again. Felicity spat it onto the plate and pushed the tray away. "So Brooke is really popular?" Felicity asked. "Yeah. She's, like, perfect in every way. Minus a boyfriend" Kathryn said seriously. Felicity laughed. Kathryn was definitely talkative, that was for sure. "Hey, I have a question", she said suddenly."Shoot!" Felicity replied. "Do you have any medical conditions? I'm just curious because I have slight dyslexia" Kathryn told her. "Yeah. I have a brain implant. When I was 7, I was in a car accident. I was thrown from the car and head first into the curb. It could have killed me, but the only thing that died was half of my brain. I have an implant that gets me through my day-to-day life". Felicity started laughing, as Kathryn's jaw slowly began to close. But when a shadow loomed over them, they stopped. "Hello. So new-girl, guess what! I don't like you!" It was Brooke. "And why would that be?" asked Felicity, rising up to face Brooke. "Because you're just too fat and nerdy. No-one will ever want to be your friend. Who wants to be friends with a nerdy porker? My answer; NO-ONE!" Brooke, laughing as she walked off, left Felicity feeling terrible.

TBC...

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monkeez_cutiez

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Posted 22 December 2009 - 12:23 AM ( #2 )

CHAPTER ! CONTINUED...

Felicity went to her last classes, thinking about what Brooke said. Was she really fat? Felicity was now unsure of her body image. She didn't want to go to her classes but she knew she had to.

Felicity's older sister, Rebecca, walked home with her. "How was your first day of Year 10?" Rebecca asked. "It was great. Yeah, totally awesome", Felicity replied, completely lacking the enthusiasm. "What happened?" said Rebecca. "Nothing. My day was...alright". Felicity collapsed onto a nearby bus seat. "Flick, what's wrong?" Rebecca asked, starting to get concerned.

Will write more soon.

monkeez_cutiez

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Posted 23 December 2009 - 06:19 AM ( #3 )

CHAPTER ! CONTINUED...

Felicity went to her last classes, thinking about what Brooke said. Was she really fat? Felicity was now unsure of her body image. She didn't want to go to her classes but she knew she had to.

Felicity's older sister, Rebecca, walked home with her. "How was your first day of Year 10?" Rebecca asked. "It was great. Yeah, totally awesome", Felicity replied, completely lacking the enthusiasm. "What happened?" said Rebecca. "Nothing. My day was...alright". Felicity collapsed onto a nearby bus seat. "Flick, what's wrong?" Rebecca asked, starting to get concerned. "The popular girls hate me, and it's only my first day. They said I was fat and nerdy! What's wrong with me?" Felicity said, sobbing hysterically. "Flick, there's nothing wrong with you. You're really pretty, so the girls must be jealous. They're only trying to make you feel bad because they don't look as good", Rebecca replied, comfortingly. "Ok", Felicity replied.

When the girls got home, Their mum, Sharon, was frantically running around cooking dinner. Rebecca was starving. Felicity went up to her room, dumped her bag and then stood in front of the mirror. She had small boobs, and a flat stomach. But Felicity was now under the impression that she was fat.

When dinner came around, it was autumn salad, Felicity's favorite. She had three bites and pushed her plate away. "What's wrong hon?" Sharon asked, concerned. "You love autumn salad". "I guess I'm not hungry", Felicity replied. Sharon put her hand on Felicity's forehead. "Don't Mum!" she snapped. Felicity got up and went to her room.

To be continued.

Worst.Username.Ever

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Posted 23 December 2009 - 02:47 PM ( #4 )

It seems okay so far, in fact the only constructive critism I can give is that you're meant to take a new paragraph when some one else talks. Like:

"You smell," said Bob
"No, you do," said Billy.
"You both smell terrible," said Butch.

Also, slow down the pace a little bit. I can kinda see what's gonna happen already XD

Shatagama

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Posted 23 December 2009 - 05:17 PM ( #5 )

I agree that you're rushing everything. It lacks description and you introduce all these characters and don't let them evolve in the slightest which makes them unmemorable (I think that's a word =/). You need to let us feel what Felicity is feeling. we're seeing it but for us to actually get to like the character we need to be able to connect with her.
Does that make sense to you?

monkeez_cutiez

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Posted 23 December 2009 - 05:29 PM ( #6 )

yep. i'll rewrite it on a new post and then tell me what you think.

monkeez_cutiez

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Posted 23 December 2009 - 06:39 PM ( #7 )

CHAPTER 1

Felicity walked through the halls of Stoneybrook High. She took a glance around. The school was huge! She saw the room she was looking for and pushed the door open.
"Ah! You must be the new student! I'm Miss Westerley" the teacher said. Felicity took a look around the classroom.
"Class, this is Felicity. She'll be joining us for the rest of the year. I hope you'll make her feel welcome" Miss Westerley announced. As she said this, Felicity noticed one of the prettiest girls in the class lean over to her friend and whisper something. The girls laughed quietly.
"There's a spare seat over there, next to Kathryn", Miss Westerley pointed. Felicity walked over and sat next to the girl the teacher had pointed out. Kathryn was pretty, with shoulder length brown hair, and tanned skin. She had an amazing smile.
"So", Kathryn said, as Miss Westerley turned around to write on the board.
"What?" Felicity replied.
"Well, what do you think of the school?" Kathryn said, a grin spreading over her face.
"It's...big, is the only way I can think to describe it", Felicity said, starting to smile. That was true. The school was a lot bigger than her last one. Kathryn smiled and opened her textbook. Felicity reached down into her bag and pulled out the textbook that her mum had bought for her. It was a thick, heavy book, with a dark brown cover. On the cover, in gold lettering were the words 'A History of the 1600's; A History of the World'. Felicity opened it to page 345, the one that was required for that day's lesson. She felt a little overwhelmed by the size of the school. But something that was already nagging at her was why had the pretty girl leant over to her friend and laughed? She tried to ignore it, but she just couldn't. Felicity already knew that they didn't like her. She focused on her work, which was the only way to shake off that horrible feeling. But she felt sick to her stomach.

She ate recess by herself, sitting alone at one of the cafeteria tables. She still felt sick. Why did they not like her? She knew they didn't, because they were whispering behind their hands and shooting quick glances in her direction every now and then. Felicity moaned. On her first day at her new school, she was sitting by herself and it looked like she already had a grudge against her. The bell rang at that very moment. She dumped her leftover food in the bin and hurried to her locker, which had been assigned to her earlier that day.

In Science, Felicity really enjoyed herself. She felt at ease using the bunsen burners and all sorts of dangerous solutions. She had loved Science for as long as she could remember. She partnered with Kathryn.
"Hey, where were you at recess?" Felicity asked her, as they stirred the blue copper sulphate solution.
"Oh, I got into a punch up yesterday after school, and the principal wanted to talk to me", she replied, a hint of a smile playing on her lips.
"You? In a fight? I can't see that happening", Felicity said, starting to laugh.
"Yeah, that's what everyone says. It's not like I fight all the time, it was only with Brooke", she said matter-of-factly.
"Brooke?" Felicity said.
"Yeah. I'll tell you more at lunch, but for now, let's just say she's very popular", Kathryn told her. The girls had stopped stirring their solution, and before they could even remember to stir it again, the solution boiled violently and then splashed out all over the girls. Felicity looked down at her shirt and arms, which were covered in the hot watery substance.
"Ow!" Kathryn exclaimed. It was all the way up her arms, and it was hot. Felicitys arms started to burn.
"Girls. What can I say? Just go to the sickbay and I'll clean this up", the Science teacher said. Kathryn and Felicity walked down to the sickbay. The nurse met them at the door.
"Your teacher emailed me and said you were coming. Let's have a look". The nurse ushered them inside and sat them on one of the beds. "Ok, looks like minor burns. Just come in here and we'll wash the solution off and bandage those burns up". The girls arms were washed and bandaged. They left the sickbay just as the lunch bell went.
"You can sit with me. Are you buying lunch?" Kathryn asked.
"Yeah", Felicity said.
"Well, go get in the line, and I'l go grab our books and my lunch. I'll just put your books in my locker and you can grab them after lunch", Kathryn said.
"Ok", Felicity said, walking over to stand in the line.

After buying her lunch, Felicity found Kathryn and sat down.
"Do you want to know some more about the girls of the 10th grade?" Kathryn asked her.
"Yes. I'll need to know who not to mess with", Felicity said, grinning.
"Ok. That's Brooke. She's like the queen of tenth grade. She's Spanish-American, which is why she's so good looking. If you mess with Brooke, you'l have to deal with her friends and then you'll have to deal with her sister, who's in Year 12. Her sister is Rhian Jackson. Remember that. Her friends are Diana, who was born in Las Vegas, Elizabeth, she's a real crack-up, Laura, who is really quiet, Taryn, who is also very quiet and Hades, who is like the fashion queen of year 10. You say that hay-dee by the way. Like Haylee but with a D. Over there, that's Amy. I feel sorry for her. She's never had many friends during school years. I talk to her, but she hasn't got many friends. Heck I don't have many friends since I gave up on hanging out with Brooke" Kathryn laughed. Felicity grimaced.
"Oh, you've met the school lunches. These lunches are what you can call real crap. Go on spit it out, I don't care!" Kathryn was laughing again. Felicity spat it onto the plate and pushed the tray away.
"So Brooke is really popular?" Felicity asked.
"Yeah. She's, like, perfect in every way. Minus a boyfriend" Kathryn said seriously. Felicity laughed. Kathryn was definitely talkative, that was for sure.
"Hey, I have a question", she said suddenly.
"Shoot!" Felicity replied. "Do you have any medical conditions? I'm just curious because I have a few allergies", Kathryn said to her.
"Well when I was 7, I was in a really bad car accident. I don't actually know if it gave me any medical conditions, but they think my brain might have been slightly damaged", Felicity replied.
"Are you sure it's only slightly damaged? I think it's really damaged", said a voice behind the girls. Felicity turned around to see a tall, pretty girl, who had a sneer on her face.
"What do you want Brooke?" Kathryn asked, sighing.
"I'm just welcoming the new student. You know, being friendly!" Brooke snapped. Felicity felt it was wise to remain silent.
"Well new girl. Do you talk? Or are you like one of those mute dumb asses?" Brooke said seriously.
"Leave me alone!" Felicity said, rising up out of her chair. She was the same height as Brooke. Not that it mattered now.
"Whatever. I don't care at all for stupid new students. They're further down the rank, somewhere under dogs and vermin", Brooke said, laughing as she turned to walk away.
"Shut up!" Felicity said. Kathryn grabbed her wrist and tried to pull her back into her seat, but she shook free.
"What?" Brooke asked, turning around.
"I said, shut up!" Felicity replied, feeling more confident than she had before. Brooke remained silent. Suddelny she lashed out and shoved Felicity against a wall.
"Fat little new students, don't tell me to shut up. Got that?" Brooke sneered. Felicity tried to nod, but her neck was very constricted. She couldn't breathe. Kathryn came out of nowhere and pulled Brooke away. As Brooke and Kathryn fought each other, Felicity sat slumped against the wall, trying to catch her breath.
"HEY!". A male teachers yell echoed around the cafeteria. He pulled Kathryn and Brooke apart. "You two again?! Get to my office!". The man was obviously the principal. The girl that Kathryn had pointed out as Amy came over to Felicity.
"Are you ok? I saw everything", she said, helping Felicity up. "I'm fine. Thanks", she siad brushing her self off. She dumped her lunch in the bin and walked off.

Felicity went to her last classes, feeling lonelier than ever. It was her first day, she had an enemy, and her friend was being told off for trying to defend her. Kathryn did not show for either of the last classes. When the final bell went at the end of the day, she went to her locker, grabbed her bag and her homework, slammed the locker shut and walked out the front to meet her sister.

Felicity and her sister, Rebecca, walked home together.
"So, how was your first day?" asked Rebecca.
"It was great Becks", Felicity said, totally lacking the enthusiasm. She walked with her head down, staring at the footpath.
"What's wrong?" Rebecca asked, suddenly sounding concerned. "You love school!" she exclaimed.
"Yeah. It was great. I'm just tired. It was a little over whelming", she replied truthfully. The girls had reached their house. They walked up the front path and went straight inside. They found their mum, Sharon, cooking dinner. Felicity could smell Italian lamb casserole. She inhaled deeply. Sharon turned around and saw both girls standing at the counter. "Ah, you're home. Felicity, what happened to your arms?" asked Sharon.
"Oh, I just had a bit of an accident in Science with hot copper sulfate solution. The nurse said they should be fine after a week", Felicity replied.
"Oh. well in that case, can you set the table? Rebecca, come and help me", Sharon said. Rebecca went over and started to help with the final stages of the casserole. Felicity got out the plates and set the table. As she did, she thought about what had happened. Brooke had called her fat. Was she? Felicity couldn't shake off the feeling that Brooke was right. She finished setting the table and then put the salad in the middle of the table.

At dinner, the girls dad, Mark, talked about his day at work. Mark worked for a company that made power tools.
"But enough about my day. How was your day girls?" he said cheerfully.
It was awesome!" Rebecca said. "My teachers are really friendly, and all my lessons were really fun" she said.
"Felicity?" asked Sharon.
"It was good. I like my teachers, my lessons are good, and I made friends with this really talkative girl called Kathryn", she said.
"Well that's good that you've settled in. Now because I have a lot of work to do, you two will be taking the bus tomorrow. There's a bustop just down the road", Sharon said. Sharon ran a dance school for kids 3 and older. It was nearing the annual concert and she had a lot of work to do.
"Felicity are you alright? You've barely eaten a thing", Sharon said, sounding worried.
"Yeah. I'm just not hungry". This was true. Felicity felt sick to her stomach. She pushed her plate away and went upstairs.

In her room, she lay on her bed, thinking about her day. She was really upset. Tears ran down her face as she lay there. Just then, the door opened slowly and Sharon came in.
"What's wrong hon?" Sharon asked, sitting on the edge od the bed. "I have an enemy at school. She's horrible and she just bullies everyone", Felicity sobbed. Sharon hugged her.
"Just ignore her for now. With any luck, she'll get bored and drop it", Sharon said. "I think you're just hormonal as well. Just go to bed and then see what happens tomorrow. Ok?", Sharon said. She gave Felicity a hug and left.

Edited by monkeez_cutiez, 24 December 2009 - 03:30 AM.


Shatagama

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Posted 23 December 2009 - 09:29 PM ( #8 )

It's better There's more detail. It still needs a bit of word, but if you want to take it a high as it can go, I know a website for teenagers who want to be writers, and it's really helpful. PM me if you want the address. =D

lam_alwin

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Posted 24 December 2009 - 03:51 AM ( #9 )

The story's sooooooo much longer compared to the previous posts! :D
Want to see how it ends already. ;)

monkeez_cutiez

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Posted 24 December 2009 - 04:13 AM ( #10 )

CHAPTER 2

Felicity woke the next morning, still feeling down about what had happened the day before. She had had a weird dream. She was being chased by a dog, who turned in Hades, then Brooke. Brooke had grabbed and pushed her to the floor, hissing and screaming in Felicity's ear. Then Felicity had woken up on the floor. She dressed, and went downstairs.
"Morning, honey", Sharon said cheerfully. She was making waffles.
"Mmmm! Waffles", Felicity exclaimed, inhaling deeply. She grabbed a few waffles off of the plate of ready-made waffles sitting on the marble countertop. After smearing them in butter, she packed her lunch and put it in her bag.
"Why are you packing your lunch?" Sharon asked.
"1, the school lunches are disgusting, 2, we are in an economy crisis", Felicity replied seriously. Sharon laughed.

After managing to drag Rebecca out of bed, and getting fully ready for school, the two girls walked to the bustop.
"Hey Flick. Skye's on the second bus, so I'm gonna catch that one", Rebecca said, sitting down and pulling out her phone.
"Ok. Kathryn's on the first bus so I'll get that one". Felicity sat down as well. When the bus came, Felicity gave the driver her money, and got on. The bus drove off. She walked up to the back of the bus, where Kathryn was. The next thing she knew, she was on the floor. Everyone was laughing, even Kathryn. Felicity was mortified. She turned around to see Brooke laughing hysterically. It was then that she knew Brooke had tripped her. Felicity got up, found an empty seat and sank into it. Kathryn leant across the aisle to talk to her.
"Hey!" Kathryn said enthusiastically.
"Don't talk to me", Felicity replied, not even looking at Kathryn. Kathryn turned back to the window, feeling very hurt.

When they got to school, Felicity went straight to the bathroom. The weather had turned stormy just before they got to school. She locked the door to the bathroom and collapsed on the floor. She sobbed. Why did they hate her? Why were they so against her? She stood up and looked in the mirror. What she saw was different to what her friends and family may have seen. Her friends and family would have seen a beautiful, smart and intelligent young woman. What she saw was a someone who needed to lose weight, so that Brooke would stop bullying her. Suddenly the door handle began to rattle. She picked up her bag, unlocked the door and left the room, leaving a surprised Kathryn standing in the doorway.

Felicity ran to the main entrance. She pushed open the door. The air was cold, and she didn't have a jacket. The sky was almost black. The rain was pouring down. She ran off into the cold, wet weather. She ran as hard as she could not stopping, even when she reached her own home.

TBC...

Edited by monkeez_cutiez, 24 December 2009 - 06:04 AM.


lam_alwin

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Posted 09 January 2010 - 11:38 PM ( #11 )

At this point, it is still a little short try expanding it. :)

monkeez_cutiez

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Posted 14 February 2010 - 01:02 AM ( #12 )

CHAPTER 2

Felicity woke the next morning, still feeling down about what had happened the day before. She had had a weird dream. She was being chased by a dog, who turned in Hades, then Brooke. Brooke had grabbed and pushed her to the floor, hissing and screaming in Felicity's ear. Then Felicity had woken up on the floor. She dressed, and went downstairs.
"Morning, honey", Sharon said cheerfully. She was making waffles.
"Mmmm! Waffles", Felicity exclaimed, inhaling deeply. She grabbed a few waffles off of the plate of ready-made waffles sitting on the marble countertop. After smearing them in butter, she packed her lunch and put it in her bag.
"Why are you packing your lunch?" Sharon asked.
"1, the school lunches are disgusting, 2, we are in an economy crisis", Felicity replied seriously. Sharon laughed.

After managing to drag Rebecca out of bed, and getting fully ready for school, the two girls walked to the bustop.
"Hey Flick. Skye's on the second bus, so I'm gonna catch that one", Rebecca said, sitting down and pulling out her phone.
"Ok. Kathryn's on the first bus so I'll get that one". Felicity sat down as well. When the bus came, Felicity gave the driver her money, and got on. The bus drove off. She walked up to the back of the bus, where Kathryn was. The next thing she knew, she was on the floor. Everyone was laughing, even Kathryn. Felicity was mortified. She turned around to see Brooke laughing hysterically. It was then that she knew Brooke had tripped her. Felicity got up, found an empty seat and sank into it. Kathryn leant across the aisle to talk to her.
"Hey!" Kathryn said enthusiastically.
"Don't talk to me", Felicity replied, not even looking at Kathryn. Kathryn turned back to the window, feeling very hurt.

When they got to school, Felicity went straight to the bathroom. The weather had turned stormy just before they got to school. She locked the door to the bathroom and collapsed on the floor. She sobbed. Why did they hate her? Why were they so against her? She stood up and looked in the mirror. What she saw was different to what her friends and family may have seen. Her friends and family would have seen a beautiful, smart and intelligent young woman. What she saw was a someone who needed to lose weight, so that Brooke would stop bullying her. Suddenly the door handle began to rattle. She picked up her bag, unlocked the door and left the room, leaving a surprised Kathryn standing in the doorway.

Felicity ran to the main entrance. She pushed open the door. The air was cold, and she didn't have a jacket. The sky was almost black. The rain was pouring down. She ran off into the cold, wet weather. She ran as hard as she could not stopping, even when she reached her own home. She ran on until she reached the cold, eerie woods at the end of the block. She jumped the brook that ran across the border of the woods, and sprinted into the darkness. Felicity found a tree that had a thick, dark canopy and huddled under it. She let the tears run thick and fast down her face. Her phone went off. It was Kathryn. She switched it off and put it back in her pocket.

After about 45 minutes, Felicity realised she was hungry. She opened her bag and pulled out the lunch she had packed. She rubbed her arms in an attempt to warm up. It was cold in the woods, and she didn't have a jacket. After rifling through the bag, she found a granola bar. She ate it quickly. Then she checked the time on her phone. It was nearly 11am. The school would definately have contacted her mother by now. She made herself comfortable and drifted off.

When she woke it was after 3pm. 'Oh s**t' she thought. She gathered up her stuff, and began to walk home.

Felicity reached her house in under 10 minutes. There were police vehicles in the driveway. She went up and let herself in. The minute she was through the door...
"FELICITY!" Sharon screeched, flying down the hallway and throwing her arms around her youngest daughter.
"Mum! I'm fine!" she proclaimed.
"Where were you?" Sharon said. Her face looked red and swollen, like she'd been crying.
"I got upset and ran off. I was in the woods", she said.

After a long discussion with the police officer, and a phone call to the school, Felicity was warm and dry and tucked into her bed. She turned her phone on again and saw that she had 39 missed calls. 6 were from Kathryn and the rest were from her mum. She grinned and went to sleep.

The next morning was slightly chaotic.
"Felicity, if you're going to catch the bus, you have to promise that you will actually go to school!" Sharon said.
"Yes Mum!" Felicity replied, feeling bored.

TBC...

.tee.hee...x

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Posted 21 February 2010 - 03:01 AM ( #13 )

Your sentence openings are all about the same, usually a name, pronoun, or "The". Try starting them with an avderb or adjective.

That's all I've got to say

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Posted 21 February 2010 - 05:54 AM ( #14 )

Try Personifcaton!

Believe! :o

Love Lizzie xoxox

monkeez_cutiez

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Posted 21 February 2010 - 05:56 AM ( #15 )

Personification?

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Posted 27 February 2010 - 02:42 AM ( #16 )

Monkeez_Cutiez, I love your writing style. It's cliche`...my fave! Keep it up!

monkeez_cutiez

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Posted 27 February 2010 - 08:22 AM ( #17 )

Ummm...thanks? Look, please call me MC.

.tee.hee...x

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Posted 27 February 2010 - 02:08 PM ( #18 )

Personifacation is making an inanimate object do something a person would. For example:

The trees danced in the wind