This is a short story extract I had to write for my English class, criticism? Please say so I know where to change it.
It was written in about 20 minutes so don't be harsh.
GCSE English Language – Original Writing “The other side of the track”
“It’s time...”...Those were the last words that had ever vibrated my ear drums, but now I knew that my time had come and that was would be the last battle of this eon for sure, certainly between our two tribes anyway, but somehow I had a feeling something terrible was going to occur. At that point, my chain of thoughts was suddenly broken by a loud screaming, suddenly I came back into reality and I had noticed that it was my sister Jediah who was yelling at me to get my armour on or else I would not be allowed to fight. I knew that I had to fight or else I would be casted as an outcast, but I also did not want to fight the enemy, they had friends of mine in their ranks who were dear to me.
Now I had a choice, was I to fight or be cast aside and not be accepted by any, after thinking this I knew what I had to do.
Moving slowly and wearily over to the steel armour which had been set down for me, picking it up and noticing the ice cold feel it had. I some how knew this wasn’t just any armour, this was my fathers armour and I felt instantaneously that my confidence had just tripled and my honour felt like a tiger controlling the jungles. I slowly lifted it up, it now felt heavy upon my skin and I only just managed to put it on without collapsing to my knees, yet to my amazement it was as light as a feather when it was on my broad body.
I now knew what my choice was, I was to fight along side my brothers in the battle against these monsters known as the Vorlan, they have feasted upon our race for centuries and the time was now, the time to cut all feelings of love out for one final battle. The sacrifice of our great hero Jale would not be in vain, this is where we took out stand. Taking one last look back into the cold, empty hearted hut which was screaming at tell, but not a bad scream, the screams of eternal glory and the safety of mankind.
Slowly leaving the hut, I came across the army that was to fight alongside me, starting over at them, each standing silently in their magnificent bronze armours, we were to have the same protection used back in the 20th century, and I felt honoured to be leading this new battalion into the saving of what was to certainly be annihilation on their part. “Good day, my fellow warriors and welcome to the new millennia. This war will be more than a war, there will be blood shed, there will be tears falling! But those sacrifices will not be in vein, as our ancestors before us have come and gone, we two shall come and go, but not of the same destiny, we shall shape a new future for our children, and our children’s children. This day shall be remembered by millions, not only for the death of those among us, but on this day, they shall we know that we prevailed, that we showed no mercy, no regret but courage, honour and strength. You will once again be fighting for our freedom.. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist.” Bellowed at the top of his lungs, this speech was the most important I’d ever had to make, especially in the current situation.
Had my words given them hope? Or were the roaring cheers from behind just a mask for true fear, this was something I did not know, but also something I knew I wouldn’t have to know, as soon as we stepped onto the battlefield, chaos would ignite and the battle for our world as we know will shape into exist, nay, the final battle for our world and our own existence. Looking back into the sunset, as darkness drew and these creatures were to come out, the day of reckoning was here.
It was written in about 20 minutes so don't be harsh.
GCSE English Language – Original Writing “The other side of the track”
“It’s time...”...Those were the last words that had ever vibrated my ear drums, but now I knew that my time had come and that was would be the last battle of this eon for sure, certainly between our two tribes anyway, but somehow I had a feeling something terrible was going to occur. At that point, my chain of thoughts was suddenly broken by a loud screaming, suddenly I came back into reality and I had noticed that it was my sister Jediah who was yelling at me to get my armour on or else I would not be allowed to fight. I knew that I had to fight or else I would be casted as an outcast, but I also did not want to fight the enemy, they had friends of mine in their ranks who were dear to me.
Now I had a choice, was I to fight or be cast aside and not be accepted by any, after thinking this I knew what I had to do.
Moving slowly and wearily over to the steel armour which had been set down for me, picking it up and noticing the ice cold feel it had. I some how knew this wasn’t just any armour, this was my fathers armour and I felt instantaneously that my confidence had just tripled and my honour felt like a tiger controlling the jungles. I slowly lifted it up, it now felt heavy upon my skin and I only just managed to put it on without collapsing to my knees, yet to my amazement it was as light as a feather when it was on my broad body.
I now knew what my choice was, I was to fight along side my brothers in the battle against these monsters known as the Vorlan, they have feasted upon our race for centuries and the time was now, the time to cut all feelings of love out for one final battle. The sacrifice of our great hero Jale would not be in vain, this is where we took out stand. Taking one last look back into the cold, empty hearted hut which was screaming at tell, but not a bad scream, the screams of eternal glory and the safety of mankind.
Slowly leaving the hut, I came across the army that was to fight alongside me, starting over at them, each standing silently in their magnificent bronze armours, we were to have the same protection used back in the 20th century, and I felt honoured to be leading this new battalion into the saving of what was to certainly be annihilation on their part. “Good day, my fellow warriors and welcome to the new millennia. This war will be more than a war, there will be blood shed, there will be tears falling! But those sacrifices will not be in vein, as our ancestors before us have come and gone, we two shall come and go, but not of the same destiny, we shall shape a new future for our children, and our children’s children. This day shall be remembered by millions, not only for the death of those among us, but on this day, they shall we know that we prevailed, that we showed no mercy, no regret but courage, honour and strength. You will once again be fighting for our freedom.. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist.” Bellowed at the top of his lungs, this speech was the most important I’d ever had to make, especially in the current situation.
Had my words given them hope? Or were the roaring cheers from behind just a mask for true fear, this was something I did not know, but also something I knew I wouldn’t have to know, as soon as we stepped onto the battlefield, chaos would ignite and the battle for our world as we know will shape into exist, nay, the final battle for our world and our own existence. Looking back into the sunset, as darkness drew and these creatures were to come out, the day of reckoning was here.
