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CookieDough123

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Posted 27 February 2010 - 03:36 PM ( #1 )

The darkness was livvid as it stained the sapphire blue skies. Two sillohettes peered through then heaved open the rusty iron gates, sweating and glancing to there left every so often.
They tugged the sqeaking handcart over the damp moss and reached the grave of a young woman. The men confered and confirmed it was their victim and then they pulled out shovels and dug feircely until there was a soft thud. They had discoved the coffin, burried just a couple of grim hours ago. They removed the frilly shroud and funnled out the, stark naked, ice cold corpse to the wet, mossy surface. They lugged it to the handcart, flung the shroud back into the Grand white coffin and started refilling the grave very meticulously, as they knew there would be speculation and a rousing suspision in the bright, sparkling Victorian morning.

They replaced the flowers in the exact possition as they were in before they left. They must have been professionals. Work over for another night, or was it???

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Started

27 Feb 2010

Last Post

09 Mar 2010

Goggle-Face

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Posted 27 February 2010 - 03:41 PM ( #2 )

Hm... seems good so far. If this is a prolouge, I like it. If it's your first chapter, though, then make it longer. Much longer.

I spotted two typos. Two sillohettes peered through then heaved open the rusty iron gates, sweating and glancing to there left every so often.
Should be 'their', not 'there'.
They tugged the sqeaking handcart over
Should be squeaking.

But, something I'm bothered at is the cotinuous, un-needed detail. I just mean things like 'sapphire blue skies' and 'grand white coffin'. I don't think you need that much detail for a sky or a coffin unless they're really all that important. (i.e a story about flying would describe the sky very detailed).

Also, your grammar could be fixed.
Two sillouhettes peerd through, then opened, the rusty, iron gates, stweating and glancing to their left every so often.
That's my edited version of the sentence.

Edited by Goggle-Face, 27 February 2010 - 03:43 PM.


CookieDough123

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Posted 28 February 2010 - 06:29 AM ( #3 )

Hm... seems good so far. If this is a prolouge, I like it. If it's your first chapter, though, then make it longer. Much longer.

I spotted two typos. Two sillohettes peered through then heaved open the rusty iron gates, sweating and glancing to there left every so often.
Should be 'their', not 'there'.
They tugged the sqeaking handcart over
Should be squeaking.

But, something I'm bothered at is the cotinuous, un-needed detail. I just mean things like 'sapphire blue skies' and 'grand white coffin'. I don't think you need that much detail for a sky or a coffin unless they're really all that important. (i.e a story about flying would describe the sky very detailed).

Also, your grammar could be fixed.
Two sillouhettes peerd through, then opened, the rusty, iron gates, stweating and glancing to their left every so often.
That's my edited version of the sentence.

Never been good at grammar!

Goggle-Face

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Posted 28 February 2010 - 07:53 AM ( #4 )

Well, if you want your stories and work to be legible, you should work on grammar. You could have nice spelling and handwriting, but run on sentences will be a pain to read.

Peppermint Tea

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Posted 09 March 2010 - 12:37 PM ( #5 )

Okaay Dokaay