This just isn't home

This story is for you guys to enjoy. I hope you like it! Its part true-and part untrue.

CHAPTER 1

I rolled over in a bed that just wasn't my bed.

I was in a room that wasn't my room.

I was in a house that wasn't home.

At the moment, I'm in my room. Loud music coming out of the speakers as usual. Its like, 10:00am but I'm not up yet, because I have something to do.

I took out my old book. It has dusty, and dust makes me sneeze but I didn't care. It said "We Miss You Sarah" by my old school. I opened it, being as brave as I could. It had loads of pictures of all my classmates, including me and my old best friend, Lynn. She was so much fun to hang out with. I turn the page. Now there are loads of messages from my old classmates. They were all really nice-everyone in my class liked me. Then, there was one from Lynn. It said "Sarah, you were, and still always will be my best friend. It will never be the same without you and I'm sure you'll make new friends". Everyone was sure I'd make new friends. But, they are all, very, very wrong. All the messages were so moving, brought a tear to my eye. My parents have no idea how much I miss them.

I get bullied at my new school. I hate to admit it, but I do. Every day when I walk past, people say offensive things to me and giggle at my appearance. I suppose I'm not cool enough. Anyway, I haven't got a proper friend. The only person who likes me in my class is a girl called Cleo. But we never hang out because she has loads of other friends and her other friends don't like me. She's super nice and protects me from the bullies. BUT she's leaving.

"You can't leave!" I say

"Sorry Sarah" Cleo says. "But my parents won't let me stay at this school. I beg and plead but it's no use".

I really feel sorry for poor Cleo. She's gonna have to start again at a new school. Believe me, it's hard. I know from experience. Also, I'm so doomed after she leaves. I can't bear to think what will happen. I haven't really settled in to my new school much. "I will always remember you guys, even if you don't remember me" I say quietly to my classmates. Then, I put the book back.

I go down finally for breakfast. I'm arguing with my parents yet again. This time it's about me having a new mobile.

"But my mobile is sooo last year!" I protest. "All the cool kids have those really awesome phones and I don't!

"Well, too bad" says Mum. "Oh Sarah, you treat me as if you don't love me!"

"I will always love you, Mum" I say. "But what you did, I'm not sure whether I'll ever forgive your for"

"What did I ever do wrong Sarah?"

"You made me leave a load of nice people at one school for a horrible school where no one likes me"

"Oh Sarah" Mum says. "I thought you had got over that!" She put her arms over me and said "I know your missing your old friends and that but I'm sure you've made new friends at your old school. Why don't you invite them round at your house one day? I'll always say yes!"

If only you knew, Mum, I thought. If only you knew.

That's when I had the idea. Go back to Manchester and find out my REAL house. But how? My parent's would never let me go back to Manchester and I can't travel alone.

Well, I'd have to come up with a way myself. And how? I dunno, but I'm awesome like that. Surely I was awesome enough to think up a plan?

Or was I?

Thanks, that's the story I wrote. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Thanks!

EDIT-Thanks for the comments guys. I took that into account and edited my story.

It's all going too fast. That's my big problem.

It has potential, but if this is your edited, ready-to-publish chapter one, this is all going to fast. If Cleo moving was something important to the story, then it was simply glanced over, I might as well not care about it.

And the ending to this chapter... so cliched, so dull, you really need to work on it.

Two, you're forgetting punctuation. You add exclamation and question marks where they need to be, put no periods or commas.

For instance...

"Oh Sarah" Mum says. "I thought you had got over that!"

Should be;

"Oh, Sarah," Mum says, "I thought you had got over that!"

Commas for if the sentence continues after an action. Or, you could do;

"Oh, Sarah..." Mum says, "I thought you had got over that!"

But that's more if you want a surprised feel to it, as if her mother didn't realize she was still very touchy about the subject.

Also, an example of when you need a period.

"I will always love you, Mum..." I say. "But... what you did, I'm not sure whether I'll ever forgive your for."

"What did I ever do wrong, Sarah?"

"You made me leave a load of nice people at one school for a horrible school where no one likes me!"

In a nutshell, I'm suggesting that you need to pan out your chapters and fix up your punctuation. Even if this is a short story, this chapter is just too short with too much things in it. I don't know what's a plotpoint and what isn't.

^ That's what I've been meaning to say.

It's not that it doesn't have what it takes to be a good story, no that at all.

With what was already pointed out and a little cleaning up, it could turn out to be really great.

I agree with the above. Especially about it going too fast.

You say that Cleo protects the girl but is leaving? Why don't you write more about school life and let the reader realise that Cleo is that type of person? Instead of just stating it. Therefore, as Cleo leaves, the story most probably will become more emotional.

Also, I only read over it quickly, but I think the tense changes?

But, like the others said, this story could turn out to be great. Congrats.

Thanks for the comments guys! If I sorted it out, would it be a good story? What about the storyline? Anyway, I decided to improve in the next chapter, using your comments to help and then later re-write the chapter's that needs improving. Each chapter is about a specific thing, this one to be about school life. And I'm sorry guys, I'm rubbish at punctuation!

CHAPTER 2-School life

Getting bullied at school is the worst thing. Because, once you start getting bullied, that's it. There's no escape. I know talking to your parents could work. But I'm embarrassed. A girl at my school also got bullied, and her parents marched over to the school and gave the whole school a talk. Just thinking about that makes me shudder. But I'd like at least somebody to talk to. Cleo's really great and will always protect me, but the problem is she has loads of other friends. Those friends are way cool and don't like me hanging out with them. And to be honest, I actually think that Cleo's too scared to say not to them. I'd be scared, I don't blame her.

I'm walking into school now. I try to get to my classroom quick before anyone catch's me but it''s too late.

"Oh, there she is!" says one of the bullies. "Look at her hair, ridiculous right?"

"Haha" sneered the second one. She marched over to me and pulled my hair so hard I actually thought it would come out. "That's what you do to hair that is as rubbish as hers".

Then another bully tried lifting up my skirt. It's skirts only at my school, which sucks because the bullies will only try and see my pants from underneath.

"Ew!" she said. "What kind of idiot wears white knickers with pink frilly bows on it and blue bunnies? Sarah, we are in Year 8 not Year 1!"

They weren't my knickers honestly. I was so tired when I woke up today that I accident took my younger sisters knickers instead of mine. What a cringe.

"Hey you guys, pack it in!" said a voice.

It was Cleo.

"Cleo, can't you see how stupid this girl is?" said the bully that lifted up my pants, her name is Jennifer. "Seriously, she's not worth knowing!"

"Oh, I think everyone is worth it." said Cleo. "And I feel sorry for Sarah. The poor thing needs a break! Now guys, STOP IT immanently. You are all so mean. Are you okay, Sarah?"

I was still shaky from the bullies.

"You upset the life out of this poor, innocent girl. Now leave her alone and we'll all be happier in this life." Cleo said.

After the bullies had gone, Cleo said "Make the most of your time with me because I'm leaving at the end of the day."

Then Cleo's friends appeared and she had to go. At least somebody cares for me.

I'm frightened of what will happen without Cleo. There's been days Cleo has been off school and the bullies are just worse. Now there's no girl that shouts at them to go away, so they just carry on until a teacher appears and they threaten to beat me up if I speak to a teacher. So I don't.

Anyway, I'm usually the star of the class in everything, except PE. I hate PE. I always fail at Rounders, which makes my team groan and whenever I get changed, they see my knickers and snigger away. I usually fiddle about with the grass on the school field, not wanting to join in with any stupid activities. My teacher sighs at me and ticks me off, and offers me to get extra PE lessons to help me get better, but that's the last thing I want.

It's the end of the day now, and I'm making my way home now. I usually wait at the front of the school for my mum, but this time, Cleo was going to leave, so I decided to say a proper goodbye.

"Goodbye Sarah" says Cleo. "You were always so nice to me". Then she whispered into my ear when nobody was around "And secretly, I wanted to be your best friend".

Well Cleo, I'll never forget you. You always protected me from any bullies. I don't know what I'd do without you-

"Now she's gone, we can bully Sarah without anybody telling us to stop!"

They were running to me. I was so scared. There was a huge crowd of people rushing over to me. One of the girl was so strong she pushed me into a post. Suddenly, I went all dizzy and almost toppled over. I held onto my skirt so the bullies didn't try peeping underneath, but I felt too weak. I tried to walk away from the bullies, but all I remember is me going black and toppling over.

I had passed out.

CHAPTER 3-Remembering the past

At the moment I'm in the sickbay, waiting for my mum to come. I told the nurses in school I was fine, I only fainted because I banged into a lamppost but they weren't having any of it and insisted un-needed medical advice. My mum's late because she was caught in a huge traffic jam. In fact, I'm bored waiting here in the sickbay. So I decide to close my eyes and then drifted off......

Somehow, I ended up walking into the school gates. But not my new school.....it's my old school! I feel really young, like a Year 4 kid. I can't have....I haven't gone back in time,have I?

It's my first day in Year 4 and I've just met my teacher, Miss Blueberry. She looks like a cool teacher and a load of fun, not like Mrs.Ronaldo last year who put us all in detention even though we were only Year 3s.

"We are gonna have fun, Year 4s. Just you wait and see."

Just when I was getting excited over what would actually happen, the door opened.

"Sorry Miss Blueberry" said another teacher at my school. "But we have 4 new kids starting at this school."

"Cool!" said Miss Blueberry. She looked delighted to have new kids in her class. "So, you guys wanna introduce yourself to the rest of the class then?"

They all introduced themselfs. One was called Bill, one was called John, one was called Tara.........and one was called Lynn.

Lynn stood out the most. I'm not saying the others didn't look good, but Lynn stood out. She has beautiful black long wavy hair past her shoulders, and sparkly eyes that look golden in the sunlight, but are actually light brown. She smiled at the whole class, and had the most friendliest smile ever.

"Now newbies, do you want someone to look after you while you settle in?" says Miss Blueberry. The newbies nodded, although Bill didn't look like he wanted anyone at all to look after him, but he didn't dare say no.

"Okay then!" said Miss Blueberry. She read out a load of names for who was looking after each newbie.

"Lynn, you shall be looked after by Sarah"

"Really?" I said, not being able to believe the news.

"Yes" said Miss Blueberry. "If that's okay by you, Sarah"

Of course it was okay! I couldn't believe it, I was only 8 and I still had been named as a carer for a really cool girl!

At recess, I raced to see if Lynn was okay. She seemed lost, but was still smiling. "Hello!" she said.

"Hi" I said. "Are you lost? Shall I help you?"

"Sure" said Lynn, and we had a good talk and a gossip.

"What kind of music do you like?" I ask.

"Aaah, I love music!" says Lynn. "Especially Kylie Mingoue! She's my favourite singer at the moment. My favourite song is that song that goes, la-la-la-la-la etc. Do you like her?"

"Oh, that ones called Can't Get You Out Of My Head. I love that song too! What's your favourite girlsband? I know everyone says Girls Aloud, but I prefer Spice Girls."

"Oh me too! They are a bit old though. I don't really like listening to modern music. It's a bit rubbish. I prefer old music from the 80s. ABBA style."

"Ooh, I like ABBA too! I like Mamma Mia best"

"Well I prefer Dancing Queen. What about other things. Magazines? Books?"

"I like magazines, especially KiddyMag. I recommend it to you!"

"Oh, I already get it! It's good isn't it?

"Thats so cool! Have you got the latest one, with Nadine Coyle from Girls Aloud on the cover looking really gorgeous? Anyhow, apart from music and magazines, my other hobbies are cinema, bowling......"

"Well maybe I should take you out bowling one day," Lynn suggested. "How about that?"

"Sure!" I say. "If your parents let you"

"What do you want to eat?" she says. " I'm having pizza, but you can decide what you want?"

"Well, that makes a two then" I say. "Because I'm also having pizza. I can't wait!"

Then Lynn put her head to mine. I could feel her black, silky hair brushing across my face. Her hairs much better than mine, mine goes all over the place!

"You know, it's so nice to have a new friend already" she says. "Without you, I'd be wondering all over the place, not knowing what to do"

From that day on, we were best friends. We went bowling together, to the cinema, to the cafe after school regularly. We also attended our other friends birthday parties, although we stuck together for most of it. We did have other friends though, like Penelope, Lucie and Cherry who used to hang out with the two of us and offer sweets even though we aren't allowed them and gossiped. However, one day Mum had some news for us. It didn't sound good. Her and dad were talking together late at night, and I couldn't hear very well, I could only hear the words "Move" and "New House". I felt sick. We couldn't be moving, could we? Then suddenly Mum came in with my sister.

"Sarah, I've got some news for you" Mum said. "We're moving to London"

No.

I couldn't say goodbye to Lynn. How could I? She was the best friend I ever had. But I put that to the back of my mind, seeing it would be in July, ages away right? Wrong. It came quicker than usual. Before I knew it, it was my last day of school.

On the last day, Lynn came up to me and said "Sarah, you were the best friend I've ever had and I'll never, ever forget you"

She wasn't crying,was she? It was the first time I saw her cry. All the time I've known her, she's always, always been smiling. And now she's crying?

Lynn saw me looking worried and quickly wiped her tears away and put on a smile, although I could really tell it was fake. "I'm fine.....I'm fine" she said. "Just have a bit of a sore eye today, eh?"

"Hey" I said. "If you have a pen, you could write down your phone number/adress/email/etc on this piece of paper and we'll always keep in touch no matter what. "

Lynn got out her pen and wrote her address down. Then I got everybody on that piece of paper. I'm actually friends with pretty much everybody in the class. I'm sorry for boasting, but I'm actually one of the most popular ones in the class. I settled in well at this school. Much better than I settled in at my new school.

When we moved house, I actually was excited. I was sure I'd settle in well, and make new friends. How wrong was I? On the first full day of moving to my new house in London, I carelessly left my paper of all the phone number's and etc on the open window sill. On a windy day. Then when I next saw it, it was gone.

Noooooooooooooo.

EDIT-Thanks for the comments guys. BTW, the reason why the music is so old, is because this chapter was set in 2005/6. Back then, I hadn't even heard of Girls Aloud so maybe I'm twisting the story a bit here.

Again, you're telling us what happens. Why don't you explain it instead of show?

For instance, you have;

"Sure" said Lynn, and we had a good talk and a gossip. It turns out she liked the same music as me, Kylie Minogue and Spice Girls and ABBA. And of course, she got KiddyMag, the same magazine as I get. We shared loads of other interests too, we both like pizza's and bowling.

You can have;

"Sure," Lynn said. In a second, we both started to gossip like little children.

"Is there any type of music you like?"I asked.

She gave a smile. "Well, have you ever heard of ABBA? That Swedish band?"

"Yeah!"

"I love them! I love all their songs, even the stuff people say is no good!"

My face lit up. "R-Really?! I do too! Do you like Spice Girls?"

"Yes! I do! Their songs are so good!" "I know, right?!"

Don't tell, describe.

CHAPTER 4-Finding Manchester Online

I opened one eye. Oh my. I couldn't have gone back in time. Could I? Well, I had dreamt about the past. I mean, exactly the past. Has anybody else ever dreamt of what EXACTLY happened in the past?

I was at home with my mum,daydreaming of the dream I had just had. Then that's when I decided to come back. Back to Manchester.

At tea that day, my parents were having a chat about holidays.

"Sarah," my mum suggested. "Got any suggestions of where we could go on holiday later this year?"

"I know!" I said, with my face lit up.

"Where?" Mum said.

"Back to Manchester, where we used to live,"

Mum sighed, with a frown on her face. Obviously, she did not look pleased. "Sarah....get real....." she said.

I was seriously annoyed with this. Of course I was real. That was so out of order for my mum to say that.

"I've finished" I said angrily and left the table.

On my computer, I was on Google. I googled my old address plenty of times, but it was no use. Then I remembered something. GoogleMaps. I had a good old laugh in ICT, GoogleMaping my house in London for a laugh, but I never knew how serious it would get. I took a few deep breaths, and then googled my old address.

No. It wasn't loading. Oh wait.....it was! It came up with a street I didn't recognize at first. But then I saw my neighbours house, the one that had bright neon lights that said "Welcome!" one it. I couldn't believe the letter's were still there. Then I looked at the house next to it.

Yes, it was our house! It looked completely different, because the new family had obviously given it a makeover. But I knew it was ours, because of the small graffiti on the front door that said "Sarah and Ruthie (My younger sister)". I couldn't believe it was still on there. Then I looked around the area. It WAS our house and address, I recognized it. The flower garden in the street was still there, only it had a little memorial of a poor kid that got run over there. So, I was back home again! I said goodbye to my house, and logged off in the happiest mood ever. I was going to visit Manchester and meet all my bezzies again.

However, I felt really sick. Would they actually remember me? I mean, its been 4 years since I last saw them.

I took out the "We Miss You Sarah" book and looked at Lynn's message. Ugh...., it said "I've made a new friend called Raye and she's my new best friend at this school, but don't worry, you will always be my best friend in my heart." The problem is, is is that true? Has Lynn forgotten about me, and told Raye that she is her best friend now? I mean, I'm happy that Lynn made a new friend at school, but I don't want her to forget her old friends?

Does anyone remember me in Manchester?

You're still not taking the advice given. You really need to show, not tell. Like:

"Mum sighed. You could tell she was not pleased with my ideas."

You're telling us that she's not pleased. You could show us, like this:

"Mum sighed, a frown on her face"

Your story could get boring pretty fast if you are constantly stating things, not letting the reader figure it out.

Oh, okay. Is this chapter better?

CHAPTER 5-Making a journey

"Phone for you, Sarah!"

I pick it up, hands shaky. Who could it possible be, seeing as I have no friends in London?

"Hello?" I say.

"Hi? Is this Sarah, my niece?"

I recognized that voice. It was the voice of my teenage auntie, Katherine, or, what she likes to be called, Katie.

"So Sarah, are you happy that school holidays have started?"

"Oh yeah!" I say. "So lets have fun over the holiday's together, eh?"

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking" Katie says. "Actually, mum had a call from my sister saying how ridiculous your idea of re-visiting Manchester was. However, I don't find it ridiculous at all. So, I chatted to my mum and Elly (my mum and Katie's older sister), and they say it's okay if just us 2 go together! Okay?"

"Y-Yes!" I said excited. Although Katie was only 16, she was the coolest auntie

ever. From taking me to McDonalds after school when I was 5 to this......

"Okay!" Katie said. "Meet me at the train station at 6am tommorow!"

At 6am the next day, Katie met me at the train station. She waved at me and said "Got all your luggage!"

"Yes!" I say.

As soon as the train arrives, Grandma appears. She gives Katie a big hug and kiss.

"You be careful, Katherine, dear. Look after my little granddaughter, won't you!"

Katie waves goodbye to Grandma, looking well embarrassed. I love Grandma loads, but she is so cringy.

"It's okay, Sarah" Katie says. "I'll leave you alone if you like. I'm just protecting you in case your in danger, etc"

I chose a seat by the window, and obviously was tired, so I rested my head by the window, when Evie (one of the worst bullies in school) walked in! Uh-oh.

"Hi" I say.

"It's Sarah? Where are you going today?"

"Manchester"

"Oh really? I'm going to Liverpool"

She was being polite because Katie was very near, but she got out her phone and texted Jennifer. "Next to Sarah on da train. Boohoo! Lol! Luv, Evie. x"

After the train journey, me and Katie, absolutely tired out, decide to go straight to our hotel.

"Phew, what a tiring day" yawned Katie. She looked terrible for the first time ever, watery red eyes and runny makeup. "Sarah, do you want me hanging out with you tommorow, or shall I leave you alone? Be honest please"

"I'd rather be alone, Katie. Sorry, I like you loads as a friend but I'm happier own my own tommorow."

"I see your point of view. Well, get to sleep alright and enjoy tommorow!"

I went to sleep, excited about tommorow. Maybe I'd see my old friends? I was a girl, on a mission to meet my old friends.

But would I suceed?

No comments, so obviously Chapter 5 has nothing wrong with it. I'm not so sure if no comments, is a good or bad thing, but remember guys, I want comments, good OR bad. Okay?

CHAPTER 6-Finding my old self

I woke up at early, at about 6am, got ready and decided to make a move. My old street was only half an hour away, so I decided to get a bus into town, straight away.

When I arrived, it did take ages to find the street, but I eventually got nearer and nearer. I could tell when I was near, from the beautiful flower garden and the memorial I spotted online. "Carry on walking Sarah....." I tell myself when I get near but my heart is thumping through my chest, I'm shaking away, my feet are nearly dropping off and I feel dizzy.

When I arrive at my street, it takes a while to find my home. Then I saw it.

"WELCOME!" in neon letters.

My neighbours. That means the house next to it must be mine.

I stared at it. I couldn't believe it. The beautiful flower garden me and my sister had planted had gone. And there were loads of soil and bricks around the horrible garden. But there was still "Sarah and Ruthie" on the door, so I knew it was mine.

Shall I knock on the door? No. It was totally rude, seeing as this wasn't my house anymore.

But wait. I wanted to find my old place after all. It wouldn't do any harm.

I took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.

"Hello?" A ladies voice said.

"H-Hi" I said, not knowing how to deal with a stranger.

"Who on earth are you? What are you doing, freely knocking on any old person's door? Are you playing Knock Knock?"

"Um....no" I said quite shocked. "Can I um...come in? I know this isn't right, but I need to see my house again"

"Who do you think you are? Of course you ain't coming in! This isn't your house."

"Well.....it used to be." I say. "You see, I want to see....home again"

"Aw, bless you!" the women says, which really embarrasses me. "I'll tell you all that happened recently"

She talked for ages about politics, which was quite boring. I didn't pay attention to that, but then she said something interesting.

"You see, the Moe family left here about a year ago. It was since they're little daughters friend sadly passed away after being hit by a car. Devastated, the poor little girl. All I know about her is that she had the most gorgeous black hair and she attended Manchester's Primary School."

My heart thumped harder. The Moe family were the family that moved in after us. And.......was the dead girl Lynn?

No. I wasn't sure if it was sure if it was Lynn for certain. There were loads of other kids, at our school with black hair, or even dark brown that looks blackish but nobody's hair was as gorgeous or beautiful as Lynn's. But that doesn't mean nobody's hair is gorgeous or beautiful?

"Do you know any thing else about her?" I say desperately.

"No, I'm afraid" said the lady. "But come back any day and I'll give you more gossip I know of"

"Okay" I say. "And can I come into the house now?"

"NO!" the lady screamed and slammed the door shut, so I had to go away.

I had a best friend, and I wasn't sure if she was dead or alive. Creepy, eh?

God, please say you haven't taken Lynn.

Please.

Nice and suspensful<3

Thanks! I'm so happy to have a good comment! Shows I am improving!

CHAPTER 7-School fair

While I was walking down the street, flashbacks of Lynn came back to me, about when I was ill and she came into my house after school surprise me, when we had a bash at a school trip together, her big birthday bash and of course, back to the very first day. It was friends at first sight.

Lynn is too young to die. So am I.

After that, I was tempted to give up and phone my mum in tears to pick me up and take me back to London. But, I'm one of those types that just won't give up. I walked on.....and there was my old primary school.

It looked the same as it looked when I was there. Same playground equipment, same classrooms, same everything. Then I saw a sign.

"Manchester's "Little Kids" Fair. For all ages! You don't have to be at this school, just pop along today at 2pm! Only £5 entry"

That would be amazing. It would give me the chance to maybe spot a few old friends from my old school, maybe even Lynn, if it wasn't her that had died.

I told Katie about it when I got home.

"Katie, have you got any spare £5s?"

Katie frowned. "Why?"

"It's just.......I need to go to my old primary schools fair....."

"Cool. Well, if you need any spare money for buying any thing there, you can ask me"

I thought about this. To be honest, I didn't really want to buy anything, that wasn't the aim of coming. But, I also thought it would be nice to buy an ice cream or some candy while I was there. Everything was about 50p, so I worked out I'd need about £2.

When the time had come, I walked over to my old school. Because I hadn't been there for ages, I couldn't remember where to go and got lost 6 times and was half an hour late, but I didn't.

When I got there, I noticed a familiar looking boy walking with me. He was black skinned and he had messy brown hair I just wanted to stroke.

It looked a little like Dave.

"Hi" said the Dave look-a-like. "Um....did you used to go to this school?"

"Yes." I said. "But I left it in Year 4.

"Ah!" Dave said. "Hello Sarah! It's so nice to see you again. Welcome back, I'm sure Miss Blueberry would be so pleased to see you. I'm Dave, if you remember me. There's loads of us here, like Lucie, Penny, Raye, Tara...."

I smiled. That meant I had come to the right place.

I saw the ice cream van and suddenly, felt an urge to have an ice cream. The queue was so long, but I didn't care. Suddenly, a girl joined the back. I turned over to see who it was.

There was a girl with beautiful long black hair and golden looking eyes.

"Who are you?" she said.

"Sarah" I say.

"Ah," she says smiling. " I remember you."

"I'm Lynn, by the way"

This is a very good story. I like it because it's short, simple and straight to the point. But...I'm sorry but there is always a BUT...but the puncuation does need some work on and some more detail about some things. Other than that, it is a very good story about a girl wanting to find her friend again. Keep up the good work on your other stories and everybody's advice to keep improving!

Thanks! I am seriously enjoying writing one and I'll soon write another story after this is finished. As for the improving, unless you are an experienced writer, your stories will always need improving at some point. Thanks so much for your advice, if I had no advice my story wouldn't be as good as it was. I'll try to describe things more clearly and of course I'll try to improve my punctuation, it's just my punctuation is rubbish, sorry.

CHAPTER 8-Lynn

"Oh!" I said surprised to see Lynn there. "I-I thought....."

I couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence. Of course I couldn't say I thought she had died! I mean, that's totally not right, isn't it?

"What did you think?" Lynn smiled. "What, you didn't think I died or something?"

That made me laugh, because that was actually true. But I know Lynn's always been a joker.

"We're at the front of the queue now, Sarah," Lynn said. "Lets buy are ice cream."

I bought a chocolate ice cream, while Lynn bought a strawberry one. She's always had a thing about strawberry ice creams. She doesn't have to say, I already can tell.

We sat on the long green grass, licking our ice creams and chatting.

"So, what has happened since I left?" I ask.

"Well......, loads." says Lynn. "I'm now at Manchester's Grammar Girls School, but I still fully remember Primary."

"Oh, yes? And what happened?"

"Well......" said Lynn. "It's a long story. My, where do I start? Ah, that's where. Well, there were 2 new girls starting school. One of them was Raye. She became my new "best" friend at Primary. That's who I wrote about in the letter you never replied to."

"And are you still friends with her? Do you still want to be friends with me?"

Lynn raced over to me, nearly knocking my ice cream over to hug me, but I don't care.

"Oh Sarah, of course I want to be your friend!" she says. "But I'm not sure if you want to be mine. I mean, you never replied to that letter I very kindly sent you when you were settling into your new house. I was friends with Raye, but I never liked her as much as you. It just wasn't the same without you. We were never that close and our friendship didn't quite work out. We had a huge falling out and nobody really liked me that much after that. I found it hard to make friends. I mean, I hung out with a gang, but they didn't talk to me and gossiped and laughed about me. It was awkward. I decided I couldn't be myself in the gang. I couldn't find any more friends afterwards. So I made it a mission to find you. But, as your so hard to find, I decided to give up after 2 years."

"Oh, okay," I said, not knowing what to say. I mean, Lynn seemed confident and popular in all the time I knew her, she never ran out of friends.

"I did want to be your friend! It's just......I lost the, um sheet that had all the numbers and addresses on it. And, I thought you'd forgotten me. And you didn't put your address in the letter you sent me. That's what you get!"

Lynn banged her head on the nearest post. "Doh! Stupid me, forgetting everything!"

"Woah!" I say reaching out for her. "Watch it! When I did that, I collapsed and ended up getting sent home!"

"Oh dear, that must have been so bad! So, how did you lose the paper?"

"I, um.....this is stupid, but don't laugh okay? I kinda left it by the open window and it, well, flew away."

Lynn tried her best not to laugh. "Right...." she said. "I thought you wanted to lose touch because you'd made loads of friends and didn't have time to bother with me. I suggest strongly using your diary, if you still carry it around everywhere you go, that is! Here, I've got a pen now!"

Lynn got out a pen and wrote down her address and phone number. How could I be so stupid to not think of that! Now I couldn't possibly lose it.

"And you can come and visit me any time. I'm at the same house. How long are you staying here for?"

"A few days."

"Well, then feel free to visit! I need to go soon anyhow, bye!"

"Bye!" I wave to Lynn. Lynn was my bestest friend ever and I'll never lose touch with her again.

I also popped in to see the women at my house, who was called Rachel. She said I could come round any time I wanted, like today. Some things she says are interesting, others bore me to sleep. She still has a thing about letting me into my house. Whenever I dare to ask, she goes all funny and the rest of the chat is awkward. That's why I only ever say it if I'm ready to say goodbye or if she's boring my to tears with her politics obsession.

But so far, Manchester is fun and I've met my best friend again, gone back to my old place and got a week of my annoying, nagging parents.

Wonder what adventures I'd get up to next?

Guys, can you please comment, otherwise that'll be double posting, and I wouldn't be able to post Chapter 9.

I'll post it anyway.

CHAPTER 9-Who's Got Talent?

I decided to hang out with Lynn into town.

"So, in the town centre there is a talent show I thought is worth taking part in. It's called Manchester's Youth Talent, and it's for those under 16. I remember you having the most gorgeous singing voice in the world, so is it okay if I signed you up?"

"Oh Lynn," I said holding on to her arm. "You know I couldn't! I know I get so scared in front of a huge audience!"

"Oh Sarah," says Lynn. "The audience won't be that big. Just the families of those taking part, and the judges. I'm thinking of taking part of it. With my dancing skills. Hey, hows about we both go together? You sing, I dance. Please? Just for me?"

Lynn was an awesome dancer. She had moves alright, and attitude to match. Everybody loved her when she did a performance for school back in Year 3.

I looked into her eyes. She looked into mine, pleading.

"Okay," I say. "Just for you."

"Oh no! I'm not gonna force you to do anything you really don't want to do! I only thought it'll be a good idea. If you don't take part, don't worry I won't bother entering my dancing."

Lynn was the most talented dancer I knew. I didn't want her to give up the talent show just for me. Also, the audience was only small, nobody I knew from it. And I actually liked the fact of the talent show. I changed my mind, I did want to enter.

"Okay," I say. "Sign us up."

That afternoon, we are at Lynn's house practising. Lynn had a quite a nice house. She had given her room a makeover, and it looked so cool, much better than my room! I mean, flashy lights, a really celebrity-a-like mirror and her bed was a bunk one, inches away from the floor! We chose together a Lady Gaga song, one of our favourite songs at the moment. Then, I sang and Lynn danced. Lynn was amazing, dancing too fast it made me feel dizzy but she was amazing! I sang my heart out, but was I good enough to win a talent show? Hmmm.....

Before I knew it, after loads of singing and watching Lynn dancing in envy, it was the talent show. Tomorrow! I could barely breath, I was so nervous. It was to be held at 6 in the evening, and I couldn't wait. Me and Lynn had worked so hard, chosen our outfits carefully an our routine carefully too. Now all we had to worry about how we'd do.

Would we do well?

Right, I look like an attention seeker, double or treble posting, and you feel I'm just a spammer. Wrong. I will keep double posting, because what if this story dies? I'd never get to finish the story. And that's a disaster so I don't care what you say.

CHAPTER 10-Ugh!

I rolled over in bed.

My head was aching like mad, my throat was burning and I felt really sick. And I'm sure the sickness wasn't nerves.

I was ill alright.

I dragged myself out of bed to text Lynn. I already had a text from her. It said "Hey Sarah, looking forward 2 talent show 2nite?"

I texted back, saying "Can't. 2 ill"

Within minutes, Lynn texted back. "WHAT?"

"Good morning, Sarah," Katie said to me at breakfast. "What's up? Your looking a little pale today?"

"I'm not feeling very well....." I say then I burst into tears. "The talent show!"

Katie rushed over to hug me.

"Aw, Sarah, that must be terrible for you, on a special day like this! Well, if your sure you seriously can't take part, have a relaxing day off, drink soup and I'll buy you ice cream. Sound good enough?"

The thing is, it didn't sound good enough. All I wanted to do was take part in the talent show, but I couldn't possibly when I was this sick. I'd be tumbling around on the stage! And my throat hurt like mad. But I didn't want to let Lynn down. We'd spent at least 3 hours per day on our routine, sometimes even more.

After spending all morning and part of the afternoon on the sofa, with soup, and Katie showering me with gifts like it's Christmas or something, I started to feel better. A lot better. I still had a headache, and I was really tired, but I stop falling around dizzy, and my throat still hurt, but not like mad.

I decided to check my phone again. I had another text, by Lynn. "R U dat sick? Could u manage still takin part? All da staff already know ur ill. U only got an hour to decide, lemme know at 5:30pm! Thnks! Luv, Lynn.

Ps.Y'know U can do it!

So, would I go to to the talent show? I mean, I was really ill and I needed a rest. But on the other side, true winners never give up, and if I'm that determined for stardom, I needed to make sure I turned up to every chance.

I listened to that voice in my head. One part said "You can do it Sarah, come on!"

The other side said "Don't force yourself to do everything, you know!"

But the main part, the part I actually listened to was "Go with your heart."

So, what would I decide?

CHAPTER 11-We are the champions!

It was half past 5. I had to make a decision.

I texted Lynn again. "I will go 2 da talent show"

Lynn texted back saying "Cool. Coming now!"

Before I knew it, the doorbell was ringing.

"Sarah," said Lynn. "Are you feeling better?"

"A bit," I said. "My throats better. I could manage."

"Good good," said Lynn. "I told the staff and judges how you feel, if that's okay?"

"Yeah, it's okay," I said.

"Okay, lets go!" Lynn said.

"And now.....it's that time again.....welcome to the MANCHESTER YOUTH TALENT SHOW!"

Everyone clapped, cheered and screamed.

"Now, it's time for the first act, only 8 and 9 but are still wowing the crowd.....welcome HOLLY AND AMY!"

And that was that. Loads of acts came on, sang, danced and some did a bit of comedy. They all were good, but none I could imagine put in as much effort as me and Lynn. Just saying......

"Another amazing friendship act, they've worked well hard together, and it involves an awesome singer and a dancer with the best moves. Now, the singers not been feeling very well recently, but we're so glad she made the decision to come here anyway.....give a huge cheer to LYNN AND SARAH!"

It was finally our turn! I nervously walked onto the stage with Lynn. "Okay....ready, set, GO!" she said and put the music on really loud.

I started singing, while Lynn started dancing. All the crowd was wowing at her, but did they notice me?

After we'd finished, Lynn screamed "thank you!" and I waved to the crowd. The whole crowd cheered.

When the last act had gone, the presenter said "Right, that's it. Have a quick break, there are snacks and drinks for only 50p out there, and we'll call you back in 15 minutes, when the judges have decided on a winner. Off you go!"

Everyone ran off. Me and Lynn decided to get a smoothie.

"Are you okay, Sarah?" Lynn says. "You look really pale. Are you about to be sick, or something?"

"I'm okay," I say. "Just a bit shaky. And feverish."

"It's because your not well." Lynn says. "When we get back home, have a nice rest."

"No, I swear it's because I'm nervous. Don't you ever get nervous?"

"Of course I get nervous! Only I don't show it. Or complain. Unlike you."

"Excuse me, but could those taking part in the youth talent show go to the main stage please? The show is due to start any minute now."

After everyone was here, the show started.

"Welcome back," said the presenter. "It's now time for the results. Nerve-wracking, innit? Everybody, let those screams out!"

Lynn quickly put her earplugs in. She really didn't want her ears damaged before finding out the result."

"Okay, this is it. We will find out the 2 favourites, the judges will comment and one of them will win. Right?"

After ages of suspense the presenter finally said, "The 2 favourites are Lynn and Sarah and Kerry So'Low! (15 year old ballad singer)."

"Right, before we find out the results, what do the judges have to say? Bella?"

"Well, Kerry stole my heart. Singing with her gorgeous, and strong voice to a song that is almost impossible to sing perfectly. Well done sweetie. But, as for Sarah and Lynn, they've worked hard. Lynn's an awesome dancer and poor Sarah is really ill, and probably finds it hard to sing with a sore throat."

"I agree with Bella," said another judge, Tim. "Kerry did sing really well. However, Lynn has awesome moves and Sarah was really brave to be here."

"I think Lynn and Sarah stole my heart, but so did Kerry!" said Jamie.

"Okay, but there can only be one winner, and that is.........."

After a long wait and me about to faint, as I was so anxious, the presenter said "LYNN AND SARAH!"

"OMG OMG!" I scream, not being able to say much.

"Congratulations guys. Here's the trophy and you've also won a meet and greet with the amazing singer/songwriter, Jenny Jean!"

I screamed even louder. Me and Lynn are big fans of Jenny Jean's music. She's just amazing.

We were given a special trophy by the presenter, and me and Lynn held it up while the camera's took pictures. Me and my best friend were champions!

Afterwards, so shocked and unable to take it, I tripped over my own feet.

Oops!

I kept falling, falling, and falling down.

I was going to die.

Okay, I'll comment on one thing only.

This whole thing;

"Okay, but there can only be one winner, and that is.........."

After a long wait and me about to faint, as I was so anxious, the presenter said "LYNN AND SARAH!"

"OMG OMG!" I scream, not being able to say much.

"Congratulations guys. Here's the trophy and you've also won a meet and greet with the amazing singer/songwriter, Jenny Jean!"

Don't over use periods for suspense. Be like this;

"Okay, but there can only be one winner, and that is..."

Over use of periods makes it look mesy tbh.

And don't have your characters say "OMG!" if they're talking. If you're showing them texting or talking on the computer, nothing wrong with that. But if they're actually saying "O", "M" and "G" like a prissy teenager, have them say "OH EM GEE! OH. EM. GEE!" Or just have them say "Oh my god/gosh!" on it's own. This isn't an MSN conversation, this is a story. Never in any books have I seen people actually say "OMG!" they say "oh my god."

Also, this is a small complaint, nothing big, but don't say "Singer/songwriter".

Say "Singer slash songwriter" or "Singer and songwriter". Maes it more cleaner.

Yeah, sorry about that, it's just I'm so used to text-talking on TT, that it kind of happened automatically. I'll use Oh My Gosh next time.

CHAPTER 12-Rachel

"Hello, Sarah"

I opened one weak eye and can see, not very clearly, my mum and a few other family members crowding around my bed with a bunch of flowers in there arms. I see my mums eyes. She looks like she's been crying.

"Wha-Wha?" I say. "Where am I"

"In hospital" Mum says. "Calm down, calm down, it's okay,"

"Why?" I ask. "Am I dying!"

Mum laughs. "Oh Sarah, of course your not! I'll tell you what happened. See, can you remember after the talent show you fell? It was down a kind of big hill. I'm sorry, Lynn tried to warn you, but it was too late. She's been really upset, it took ages to persuade her that you'd be okay. All you've harmed is your arm, you'll have to have it bandaged for a month, I'm afraid."

"That's okay!" I say, glad I got off lightly.

"And Sarah, darling, I'm so proud of you, love. You did well at the talent show."

"Good," I say.

"Lynn's here, want to meet her?" Mum says.

"Okay!" I say happily.

"What, are you sure she's okay?" I hear a familiar voice coming from a while away. "Just coming!"

"Hey, Lynn," I say.

"OH SARAH!" says Lynn. "Your okay! Well.....better than I expected!"

"Good, good," I nod.

Lynn has some chocolate's for me. My dad has flowers. So has my Mum. And almost every relative at the hospital.

"Sarah!" says Katie, quite shocked. "I'm sorry. I haven't been a good aunt to you, I shouldn't have left a 12 year old alone."

"It's okay," I say. "It's my fault, for insisting you stay at the hotel."

Katie hugged me. "I think it's both of ours fault," she says, and we both laugh.

Then the nurse came up to see me. "Sarah looks well, and healthy to move." she says. "I think Sarah could go home now."

"Hooray!" everyone says.

Me and my neighbour, Rachel get along well. And Rachel is a new family friend.

"Hey, you guys!" Rachel says when we knock at the door. "I'm sorry, Sarah for not letting you. I know how much it means to see your old home again. It was just for safety reasons, because you and your parents didn't know me well. But, do you guys want to come round?"

"Yeah!" me and my family say.

We came in. "Want a cuppa tea?" says Rachel.

"Sure!" says Mum.

Rachel and I explore. "Do you want to see your old room?" she offers!

"Sure!" I say, following Rachel although I already know the way.

"Ta-Da!" Rachel says and opens the door to my room!

"Wow!" I say staring into the room. It was exactly the same as how I left it, only a bit empty.

"See, the Moe's never used it, and I decided to keep it empty, because it wouldn't be fair for those that used to live there for me to change it."

"Okay," I say. "Rachel had read my mind.

Then I found a shiny, silver necklace. It was my fave necklace ever, the one I got from my granddad, who's now dead, and I wanted to keep forever, however I lost it, and never saw it again. I cried, I was only a little kid. But now, I realized it was only at the back of my cupboard.

"Is it yours?" Rachel asks.

"Yes!" I say happily and sip it on.

After exploring other rooms, I realize it's not actually that amazing. I mean, it's alright but not the best. It's just not home. But neither is my home, sadly. I didn't feel right.

Afterwards, me and my family sat down with our cups of tea, and chatted all about Manchester. Rachel is so cool, especially for a 30 year old.

Anyway, Manchester has been a delight. I met Lynn again, met a new adult mate Rachel, did my mission to find my old place, won a talent show and was about to meet my favourite singer, Jenny Jean.

I couldn't wait.