Street Trash

Nicole, a 15 year old girl who had lived on the streets all her life, and knew every bend and bump by heart, scaled a wall and hopped in through a window. She slipped into a bath that belonged to someone else and scrubbed herself pink, before dressing and scaling back down the wall. She had light brown skin, black hair that reached her thighs, neon green eyes, and stood at 5'11. She liquidly moved down the alley, unseen in the shadows, towards a man with a knife pointed at one of her fellow street family siblings. Her eyes narrowed, and she silently snuck up behind him, where she took both sides of his head and twisted till his neck broke with a sickening crunch. She looked up, and she cursed colorfully. This boy wasn't part of her street family, The Shadows. He was part of her families' worst enemies, The Wind Whisperers. She looked at the boy, but she couldn't bring herself to kill him. He was so young, probably only 4 years old at the most.

"Go on boy, get off our turf" she growled at him, her nails extending into claws to scare him away. A figure landed beside the boy, and she whipped out a gun, but she didn't pull the trigger. It was the Alpha Wind Whisperer, and he blew some powder into her face.

"What the hxll! Stop that!" She said as her vision started to swirl, and everything started changing colors. She fell to the ground, and was carried down the alley without a sound.

Continue or stop the story here? Your opinions, please.

This is the fastest first chapter I've read oh my god.

And it's not a good thing.

This isn't a first chapter. This is your outline. This can't be counted as the first chapter, there's no detail at all.

How did Nicole break into the house? How did she properly go down the street? What time is it? How is the weather? What is the Alpha Wind Whisperer? You can't honestly call this a first chapter.

Also, don't try to force out creative writing. "She liquidly moved down the alley" makes absolutely NO sense. How do you move liquidly? Like water? Don't say liquidly. It's not a word. Say something like, "The girl crept down the alley, taking sharp glances around her, stopping the moment her shoes stepped on a pebble or a stray twig. She evaded all trashcans and garbage bags, moving silently as possible." It's more descriptive and interesting, and all words are real words.

Second, was there anyone in the house? I honestly doub that, at night, an apartment wouldn't be in some sort of use. Where is this taking place? If it's in New York, for example, she has got to be the luckiest woman alive to be in a hotel room no one is in. This could be in Beijing in China for all I know. Tell us where it is. If someone WAS in the house, even if they have family, they would be extremely curious as to why the water is running. And was the window open? Windows are impossible to open from outside. She'd have to smash the window and, again, alert people.

In short, YOU NEED DETAIL. Pan out your chapters.

I'm sorry if I come off rude, but this is how I critisize.

This is the fastest first chapter I've read oh my god.And it's not a good thing.

This isn't a first chapter. This is your outline. This can't be counted as the first chapter, there's no detail at all.

How did Nicole break into the house? How did she properly go down the street? What time is it? How is the weather? What is the Alpha Wind Whisperer? You can't honestly call this a first chapter.

Also, don't try to force out creative writing. "She liquidly moved down the alley" makes absolutely NO sense. How do you move liquidly? Like water? Don't say liquidly. It's not a word. Say something like, "The girl crept down the alley, taking sharp glances around her, stopping the moment her shoes stepped on a pebble or a stray twig. She evaded all trashcans and garbage bags, moving silently as possible." It's more descriptive and interesting, and all words are real words.

Second, was there anyone in the house? I honestly doub that, at night, an apartment wouldn't be in some sort of use. Where is this taking place? If it's in New York, for example, she has got to be the luckiest woman alive to be in a hotel room no one is in. This could be in Beijing in China for all I know. Tell us where it is. If someone WAS in the house, even if they have family, they would be extremely curious as to why the water is running. And was the window open? Windows are impossible to open from outside. She'd have to smash the window and, again, alert people.

In short, YOU NEED DETAIL. Pan out your chapters.

I'm sorry if I come off rude, but this is how I critisize.

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^^^ This basically sums up what I think, though Claire worded it a lot better than I would have. xD

Your story has...Potential, kind of, but it needs a lot of work.

Yes, I agree with Google. I saw liquidly, and I was like, "what?". xD You could say she glided down the alley and tie in a simile that has to do with liquid. . . .

This is the fastest first chapter I've read oh my god.And it's not a good thing.

This isn't a first chapter. This is your outline. This can't be counted as the first chapter, there's no detail at all.

How did Nicole break into the house? How did she properly go down the street? What time is it? How is the weather? What is the Alpha Wind Whisperer? You can't honestly call this a first chapter.

Also, don't try to force out creative writing. "She liquidly moved down the alley" makes absolutely NO sense. How do you move liquidly? Like water? Don't say liquidly. It's not a word. Say something like, "The girl crept down the alley, taking sharp glances around her, stopping the moment her shoes stepped on a pebble or a stray twig. She evaded all trashcans and garbage bags, moving silently as possible." It's more descriptive and interesting, and all words are real words.

Second, was there anyone in the house? I honestly doub that, at night, an apartment wouldn't be in some sort of use. Where is this taking place? If it's in New York, for example, she has got to be the luckiest woman alive to be in a hotel room no one is in. This could be in Beijing in China for all I know. Tell us where it is. If someone WAS in the house, even if they have family, they would be extremely curious as to why the water is running. And was the window open? Windows are impossible to open from outside. She'd have to smash the window and, again, alert people.

In short, YOU NEED DETAIL. Pan out your chapters.

I'm sorry if I come off rude, but this is how I critisize.

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[SIZE=8pt]You're my idol. I could not have said that any better myself. [/SIZE]

 

To be honest, I don't think this has much potential. It's a typical story line, thought by various individuals. It's completely unoriginal and dry. Not only that, but poor in character description. Maybe you should try a bit harder and get a little bit more original. ;D

ooc: I apoligize for the poor quality of this... it was 10:48 pm, and I was half asleep. I've rewritten it.

Nicole, a 15 year old girl who had lived on the streets all her life, and knew every bend and bump by heart, jumped onto a dumpster as quietly as she could and grabbed a window sill, noting the window was open and unlocked. Idiots, when will they learn to close and lock their windows every night?, she wondered. Pulling herself up, she made a quick visual scan of the room. It was a front room, a man was sleeping on the couch, and the tv was blaring. This was going to be easy. Keeping close to the wall, she crawled towards another door and stood up to open it. It creaked loudly when she opened it, so she froze and listened for a few minutes, but the man hadn't even skipped a snore. The kitchen light hit her face, and she tip toed over to the fridge, before filling a cloth sack with food and closing the fridge door quietly. She had a very thin figure, pale, bruised skin with a jagged x-shaped scar on her right cheek, long blonde and black hair that curled down wildly to her thighs, neon green eyes that seemed as if they could peer into your soul, and she stood at 5'11 barefoot. She decided to leave the door open, deciding she didn't want to risk another chance of alerting the man, and climbed onto the window sill. After tying the sack to her belt loop, she lowered herself slowly to the dumpster. she landed with a loud thump on it, and cussing, she jumped off the dumpster and sprinted down the alley until she had rounded the corner and ran down the street into another alley. Chicago was a city where thousands of crimes were commit monthly, and if you got caught you were on your own until you were in the clear. She heard a noise, and her eyes narrowed as she noticed a man holding a gun to a boys' head.

"Who the hxll do you think you are? Sneaking into my house, stealing stuff, and all that shxt you street trash do! I've had enough of you people" The man growled, turning the safety off on his gun. She'd snuck up behind him while he was yelling, and she put a finger to her lips as a signal for the little boy to be quiet.

"No sir, the question is who do you think you are, deciding who lives and who dies." she said to the man, before picking up a beer bottle that was lying near her feet and smashing it into his head. She looked up, and she cursed colorfully. This boy wasn't part of her street family. He was part of The Shadows' (her street families' title) worst enemies, The Wind Whisperers. The Wind Whisperers weren't normal, and they didn't play fair. They were people who could do anything, such as making people explode, having people unknowingly follow their commands, and much more. They also were good friends with leaders from around the world, since the top dogs of their family lived high society, and this made them pretty much untouchable. She looked at the boy, but she couldn't bring herself to kill him. He was so young, probably only 4 years old at the most. He watched her as she lowered her hands and glared at him.

"Go on boy, get off our turf and run home to your family of cowards. Wow, sending someone that young to do their dirty work, you're families' no better than a family of sewer rats." she growled at him, "Now go!"

A figure appeared beside the boy, and she dropped to her belly and grabbed the gun that was still in the mans' hand. She pointed the gun at the figure, who was wearing a hooded cloak. The person pulled back the hood and revealed himself; the Alpha Wind Whisperer. He stood at about 5'11, had pale, flawless skin, shoulder length black waves, silver colored eyes, and a perfect smile. She hated him instantly, seeing that he obviously had never even been in a street fight before. "It's not nice to diss other peoples' clans you know"

"Get off Shadow turf, you stupid idiot." Nicole growled, spitting at the man. He grimaced as it landed on his foot, and he smile crookedly at her again.

"I don't want to though..." he said, and he opened a purple velvet bag. He pulled out some golden dust, and he threw it into her face. She dropped the gun. and she gave him one last glare.

"You're gonna pay for that" she hissed, her speech slurring before she went limp. The alpha made a gesture with his hand, and she was lifted into the air and floated face down after him as he exited the alley, humming as he went.

This is still low grade.

Don't tell us how old she is. Don't tell us what she knows. Let us learn. Even later on, you could have something like, ""Just shut up," the 15-year-old snapped." Don't tell, show.

Also, if she's hanging from a ledge, how can she unlock a window? She should be on a fire escape of some sorts. In my dad's old apartment, the fire escape wasn't even outside. It was inside the building. I suggest having her not hang from a window, no matter how "OMG BADASS" you think it is. Add some common sense to your story. Even fantasy stories like "Lord of the Rings" and "Alice in Wonderland" had the simple, logical explanations of gravity and balance.

Second, don't explain her appearance like that. And don't have 'BAMF' scars, aka an X-shaped star. I'm sorry, but your character is a Mary Sue. This is the first chapter and our protagonist is a boring mess. She thinks she's a badass, pulling guns out on little kids and acting all tough around her enemies, but really I bet she hides in corners and cries herself to sleep like a child.

Third, PEOPLE WOULD QUESTION WHY A WOMAN IS FLOATING IN THE AIR. The streets of America -- since every badass story is in America, herp derp, let's not be somewhere unique like Moscow or Budapest now -- are not abanonded at night. People are driving around, going to the airports and office buildings to go to places, to see people. People would be calling the police left and right at the sight of a man casually walking as a woman floated behind him. He would be arrested, questioned and shot repeatedly. All at the same time.

I'd say it could have potential, but saying "It has potential" is a nice way of saying "This story is going nowhere and it should just fade to exist in your trash bin."

Goggle, she didn't say her charrie unlocked the window. She said, quote on quote "Nicole, a 15 year old girl who had lived on the streets all her life, and knew every bend and bump by heart, jumped onto a dumpster as quietly as she could and grabbed a window sill, noting the window was open and unlocked".

Cheshire;

He/She has a point. Text me, and we'll come up with something you know how to write well.

Tt2

Okays...

Goggle, you shouldn't be so harsh as to say it should be thrown away. You're not at your best when you first start something. Maybe they're new to writing. And maybe the fact that they're tough only on the outside is part of the character. Maybe they do act tough but are really scared.

I, personally, quite enjoy this and I think the remake is phenominaly better (if that's a word xD) and I want moreee.

Think logically. Where are homeless people, who could or could not be apart of gangs, be? In the city. There are no basic housing in the city. There is apartments and hotels. If she was to hang on a ledge, she would have to be able to jump two stories into the air. And the first floor is usually the lobby of the apartment or hotel. The only windows worth breath into are usually a pool, the backroom or the hallyway to the stairs/elevator. It would still be impossible for Nicole to break into an apartment/hotel room where she requires to hang from a window sill.

Well it says she got on a dumpster. It's possible to jump from a dumpster to a sill.

Think logically. Where are homeless people, who could or could not be apart of gangs, be? In the city. There are no basic housing in the city. There is apartments and hotels. If she was to hang on a ledge, she would have to be able to jump two stories into the air. And the first floor is usually the lobby of the apartment or hotel. The only windows worth breath into are usually a pool, the backroom or the hallyway to the stairs/elevator. It would still be impossible for Nicole to break into an apartment/hotel room where she requires to hang from a window sill.

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Um, no disrespect or anything, please do not get me wrong, but I think you are taking your criticisms way too far. I mean really? You're grilling her for being illogical about window sill?

Um, no disrespect or anything, please do not get me wrong, but I think you are taking your criticisms way too far. I mean really? You're grilling her for being illogical about window sill?

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It bothers me. It really does. If I'm seeing too serious, I'm sorry, but you can't really change that, can you? I'm not going to sugar-coat a critisizm, even if I'm saying a good thing. -__-;;

I actually kind of enjoyed it. =3

What lacks and what you could work on has already been pointed out, so you've got the tips to make it better.

And hey, if the first chapter isn't as good, you could work more on solidifying your plot later on.

Adding details where necessary, developing your characters, and whatnot.

There's always room for improvement. ;]

It bothers me. It really does. If I'm seeing too serious, I'm sorry, but you can't really change that, can you? I'm not going to sugar-coat a critisizm, even if I'm saying a good thing. -__-;;

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xD

I can understand giving criticism, but now you're just getting really nit picky with details. Sure, give her advice about adding more details, but now you're saying she's wrong because of the way her character gets inside a building. People have imaginations. Maybe her character has the ability to jump that far. Maybe the buildings in her mind have windows close to the ground. That's like saying it's illogical for a character to fly into the room because that's impossible in real life. Maybe the character has the ability to fly, and therefore, it's perfectly logical. This is her story. The laws of physics don't apply here.

Respectfully,

RC

Agreed. Like, in let's just say twilight, there are vamps and werewolves. That's obviously not irl. But it's Stephenies story so she can write what she wants.

Agreed! I think sometimes you, Goggle-Face, can take your "opinions" (if that's what you would even call them) way too far. This is a kid's sight where we can post what we feel like (following the TT rules, of course) and it's not like we're getting ready to get it published and have it win a "the best book of the decade" award (although some of us may have that in mind, it's not like we've sent it to a pro editor yet!). So, not trying to be rude here, but I think, Goggle-Face, that you should just take a chill pill and not try to be a pro at this when your not, and when your not that old either! I think it's great that you have your opinions, but when you basically tell them that their book is trashy, and start TELLING them how to write it, now that's taking it too far.

If I came out as rude, I didn't mean to, I was just giving my opinion. -Shorty

Stop getting butthurt, TK is only helping her improve her writing.

It's not like we're ganging up on her or anything. I'm sure she means well. She just takes things too far sometimes. If someone is doing something you feel is unfair, what is wrong with telling them so? If she can put her opinion out there, so can we.

Respectfully,

RC