My story :D

Okay, so I'm like REAL bored. Time for a STORY

Note: I'm only TWELVE! And I'm just making this up real quick, so it won't be that good.

PLEASE read it all ! ^_^

Finally the match lit, sparking a bright orange flame. Cautiously and steadily I lit the candle and, after lots of flickering, the flame warmly lit the room with a yellowish glow. It didn't light the WHOLE room, though just enough so I could relax in this wooden chair that creaked at each twitch. I pulled out an old book I found on the unsturdy bookcase that rested in the corner of the room. 'How to survive in a place like this' was its name. I looked around with a sinking feeling in my heart, knowing I would never be able to go home. The walls were wooden, the floor was wooden, the bookcase, chair, table, cupboard and coat hanger was wooden. I couldn't believe what mess i'd got myself into.

So I should probably explain was I was there. I'd got unbelievably frustrated at my mother for resetting my tamagotchi, so I stormed outside and took walk. On the way back, rain began to spit from the sky, lightning sounded and the skies got dark. I took a wrong turning. So, I ended up winding through the countryside and finding this old place with only a box of matches to keep me going. Great.

Half way through page 13, I heard a faint knock on the door. Getting up to my feet, I put the book down and went to open the door. I saw nobody. I saw nothing -- It was far too dark to see. A soft, weak hand took mine and a frail voice said 'Get out. Please, go anywhere but here, dear. You won't like the end o' the storm.' She held up her torch and I could see this woman's face. Tired and weary -- she looked like she'd just had a vision and came to warn me or something. 'Yes, sure I--' I was interrupted by flashing of lightning and a roar of thunder that felt like it was controlling my heart by the pounding. 'Oh!' She said, as if she'd pulled a muscle or something. Her hand slipped out of mine and I heard I thump and a smash of glass. I rushed to get my candle to see more as her torch had stopped working, and on the ground this woman had broken glass digging into most parts of her body and blood was gushing from her head. She must have passed out and the torch probably fell on her. I was full of worry and I panicked, trying to speak to her. I saw a locket round her neck.

I tried to take it off her, worrying that it would choke her, even though I should be thinking about clearing the wounds and stuff, but it wouldn't budge. Searching her pockets for ID I found her purse. Inside was a note that read 'I know you will always be my real mommy. But it's okay if you give me to your daughter so I can be her child as she is so desperate. Weird how we're sisters but now we'll be mom and daughter. I mean, I'm only 6 but she's 19 so I s'pose it makes sense.I love you forever mommy. From clara'. My heart sunk. Poor child, just lost her mother, or Grandmother or whatever she'd class her as. Also happens that Clara is my name too. I went back to getting off the locket and succeeded.I looked inside. Tears welling in my eyes. Regret and frustration overcame me. In the locket was the woman on one side. On the other side was a picture of my grandfather. Or should I say father.

Whoa, that was long :l Did you get it?

Finally the match lit, sparking a bright orange flame. Cautiously and steadily I lit the candle and, after lots of flickering, the flame warmly lit the room with a yellowish glow. It didn't light the WHOLE whole room, though just enough so I could relax in this wooden chair that creaked at each twitch. I pulled out an old book I found on the unsturdy bookcase that rested in the corner of the room. 'How to survive in a place like this' was its name. I looked around with a sinking feeling in my heart, knowing I would never be able to go home. The walls were wooden, the floor was wooden, the bookcase, chair, table, cupboard and coat hanger was wooden. I couldn't believe what mess i'd got myself into.
1. No need for capitals in stories unless the name is an organization. Italics are fine.

 

2. Whoa whoa whoa. What kind of name is that? Even if it's a trick book put here by some kind of captor, they wouldn't name it a casual title like that. Such a title would be for a cheap escape book. "Surivival Techniques" or something along those lines would be better. Also, make the whole title with a captial in the first letter unless it's a pronoun.

So I should probably explain was I was there. I'd got unbelievably frustrated at my mother for resetting my tamagotchi, so I stormed outside and took walk. On the way back, rain began to spit from the sky, lightning sounded and the skies got dark. I took a wrong turning. So, I ended up winding through the countryside and finding this old place with only a box of matches to keep me going. Great.

1. No need to say this. Just start explaining.

 

2. lol

 

3. That makes no sense. How long did she walk? Where did she walk to? Why is she so bratty? It's a virtual pet. This description of how she got into such a mess makes no sense. From the sound of it, this girl sounds like a normal girl you'd see on the street walking by. A bratty, snobby rich kid 'running away from home' over a trivial thing would make sense. Such sterotypes are often very bratty.

This whole thing, even with the red, isn't good. At all.

Half way through page 13, I heard a faint knock on the door. Getting up to my feet, I put the book down and went to open the door. I saw nobody. I saw nothing -- It was far too dark to see. A soft, weak hand took mine and a frail voice said,

Paragraph needed.'Get out. Please, go anywhere but here, dear. You won't like the end o' the storm.' She held up her torch and I could see this woman's face. Tired and weary --  she looked like she'd just had a vision and came to warn me or something.

Paragraph needed. 'Yes, sure I--' I was interrupted by flashing of lightning and a roar of thunder that felt like it was controlling my heart by the pounding.

Paragraph needed.'Oh!' She said, as if she'd pulled a muscle or something. Her hand slipped out of mine and I heard I thump and a smash of glass. I rushed to get my candle to see more as her torch had stopped working, and on the ground this woman had broken glass digging into most parts of her body and blood was gushing from her head. She must have passed out and the torch probably fell on her. I was full of worry and I panicked, trying to speak to her. I saw a locket round her neck.

Whoa, what's with the bolded number? I guess this is some sort of symbolizm, a set up for later? I won't comment so much on this one since it doesn't make much sense to me, yet. It's only the first chapter.

Don't use the ' mark for talking. It's more for thinking in your head. Use quotation marks.

1. A torch? What is this, an Indiana Jones movie? A lighter would be more creepier. Depending on how this woman could act, it could show a sign of insanity. Unless the plot was "Girl enters old house which is illegal by the way, and somehow teleports to a World of Warcraft-esque land'.

 

2. This is not That So Raven. Don't tell us. Show. Like this, "The old woman's eys were vague, like she saw something no other being could see. She seemed scarred at the scene that had unfolded her. She was paying the price, she aw something she should not have seen."

 

3. Always make a new paragraph when someone new starts talking.

1. NEVER say 'or something' when detailing something. If she was talking, that'd be passable. It doesn't matter that this is in her POV, you don't say this.

 

2. "End 'o the storm" = don't say it like that. If it's how the woman talks, if it's a word tick/accent, show it more. Not just once.

 

3. Same thing. Say 'around', not round.

I tried to take it off her, worrying that it would choke her, even though I should be thinking about clearing the wounds and stuff, but it wouldn't budge. Searching her pockets for ID I found her purse. Inside was a note that read 'I know you will always be my real mommy. But it's okay if you give me to your daughter so I can be her child as she is so desperate. Weird how we're sisters but now we'll be mom and daughter. I mean, I'm only 6 but she's 19 so I s'pose it makes sense.I love you forever mommy. From clara'. My heart sunk. Poor child, just lost her mother, or Grandmother or whatever she'd class her as. Also happens that Clara is my name too. I went back to getting off the locket and succeeded.I looked inside. Tears welling in my eyes. Regret and frustration overcame me. In the locket was the woman on one side. On the other side was a picture of my grandfather. Or should I say father.

1. Please no.

 

2. PEOPLE DON'T WRITE LIKE THIS. They TALK like this. They don't write out, on paper, 's'pose'.

Well that's some messed up incest.

This whole story is a mess. It doesn't flow nicely. You have glaring errors, many grammatical, many spelling, and too many plotholes. There is lots of work required here for this to be a semi-decent story. I see no hope right now for a good story. Work on it.

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My critique is in the quote.

You make 12 year old girls feel just great. Thanks for nothin.

You make 12 year old girls feel just great. Thanks for nothing.

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Calm down already.

You make 12 year old girls feel just great. Thanks for nothin.

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It's called critisizm. I'm not going to gush over your work, it's not perfect. Nothing is.

I'm thirteen, by the way. I'm a year older than you, I'm not being 'mean'. Learn to take critisizm or you'll never be a writer.

I think it's pretty good...it's better than what I wrote when I was 12 I like the imagery of "rain beginning to spit from the sky", very good. As Goggle-Face mentioned there are spelling and grammar errors in it but that's okay, it's about the story itself not the conventions.

Well...it was good. I mean, yeah, maybe Goggle-Face was a bit harsh, but it's only the truth. It's also how he/she saw it and is helping you to correct it. I'm on his/her side, but either way, it's a good story. Keep it up.

Well...it was good. I mean, yeah, maybe Goggle-Face was a bit harsh, but it's only the truth. It's also how he/she saw it and is helping you to correct it. I'm on his/her side, but either way, it's a good story. Keep it up.

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Criticism is harsh. It is not fawning over the work and saying "But there was one mistake but it doesn't matter". It is giving a mature review of the story, helping the author improve their work. There is a difference between praise and criticism, but there is also a difference between criticism and bashing. I was not 'harsh', I was reviewing her story. If I was a publisher reviewing such a story, I'd give her this exact review and throw the story away.

If you cannot accept the review of a critic, you cannot be a good writer.

The fact remains, though, that this is not an adult submitting something to a publisher, this is a 12-year-old posting something on TamaTalk. Honestly, the fact that she spells most of the words right is more than you can say for a lot of people on here...

I liked how you tried to use a lot of description to add more drama. That's a skill that, at 14, I still haven't mastered yet. I liked the story, but there were a lot of errors. I'm only going to be truthful. Pay attention to Goggle-Face's critic review and then rewrite the story with the corrections.

The fact remains, though, that this is not an adult submitting something to a publisher, this is a 12-year-old posting something on TamaTalk. Honestly, the fact that she spells most of the words right is more than you can say for a lot of people on here...

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If you're twelve, you can take critisizm.

You make 12 year old girls feel just great. Thanks for nothin.

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That's ungrateful as she didn't give you "nothin" she gave you help so you can improve your story. When she was twelve she could criticism so I'm pretty sure you can too. If you can't take criticism then don't post your story where anyone can see it. Also, she wasn't harsh about it, she was realistic. I'm being harsh.

You make 12 year old girls feel just great. Thanks for nothin.

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...She gave you tips on how to improve your writing in the future, much like a teacher does already, and like a publisher would do in the future. She wasn't going "omgz datz so rubbishhh" was she? She was giving helpful pointers. If you an't take constructive criticism, then, honestly, you won't go very far as a writer.

You make 12 year old girls feel just great. Thanks for nothin.

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I think you're being unfair, it takes a lot of hard work to pick out errors and spelling mistakes in a large block of text.

Just imagine going through all that hard work willingly, only to have your advice turned down.

She did justify her reasons, so why not take the advice given?

It won't hurt to try. (;

Personally, I appreciated your story.

"I love you forever mommy. From Clara."

That made me smile. My name is Clara too.

If this is what you write at twelve, you'll get much better if you continue.

You make 12 year old girls feel just great. Thanks for nothin.

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She didn't mean to hurt your feelings---

Actually, your feelings shouldn't be hurt at all.

It was simple criticism. What else was she supposed to do?

Lie and say "THIS STORY WAS SO BEATUIFUL! I LOVE IT!"?

No. It's either she tells you the truth, so your story can get better,

Or she lies, and you won't think twice about fixing it.

No offence, but I wrote like this when I was eight. EIGHT.

I just turned thirteen two months ago, and even I think that this is kind of ridiculous.

No offence or anything, but Claire wasn't trashing your story.

If she would have said "Worst story ever", then she's being harsh.

If you want to be a writer, you have to learn to accept criticism.

It's no big deal. Fix the errors she pointed out. It's that simple.

Although I don't think that "lol" and "please no." are proper criticism, Goggle-Face made a lot of good points. There are errors and a lot of things that need much improvement in your story, and most of her advice should be helpful to you. Listen to what monkeez_cuties said too, because she told you what you did well, and you can't get better if all you get is negative comments.

Good luck at improving your writing, and don't take criticism too personally

Mkay thanks for the constructive critisizm xD Heh

Hope all the reviews help you in the longrun.

Here is a site that will help you. I got it from a user here, I cannot remember who it was. But it will give you loads of tips and you'll be able to read other stories to get some ideas.

https://teenagewriters.com/forum/

I think Claire's critique is amazing.

I think you need critisizm to sucseed. To be a better writer.

I never want to be mean, or sound mean, but, that wasn't the best I have seen.

Age, on the other hand, means nothing. You can be 12, or 30 and be a writer that is not really intresting.

I think Claire is just giving you advice to be a better writer.