The start of an untitled story

"I have super powers, I just don't wanna show you!" I yelled, stomping my foot against the gravel. All of the kids on the payground laughed. Especially Riley. I looked in the crowd for a friendly face. Once I found Eric, my best friend, I gave him a pleading glance, hoping he would help me out. He just shrugged apolegetically, a sign that he wouldn't be advertising our friendship.

"What kind of super powers do you have, dork-o-saurus? The ability to bore people to death?" Riley, the coolest kid in the sixth grade, asked.

This is what kids were like when I was a kid. Maybe they're still like that, maybe their not. But when I was twelve, they were cruel, insensitive, and just plain mean.

Is this a first chapter or a prolouge? Far too short. Even if this is going to be much longer... That's the problem I have with alot of writers on here. They decide to post six to twenty lines of their first chapter. Why? Post the whole thing. Criticising twenty lines won't help your story. I have to help the whole thing.

In a nutshell, these characters are boring. How is Riley the 'coolest kid in sixth grade'? This is very cliched. Sure, there's the main character with powers, but picking on a different kid isn't cool.

A story with the 'cool kid' being nice would be a change.

Have Riley give more insults to enforce his/her (Sorry, Riley's both for names) coolness factor. Have them pick on this girl more. Have them crush her. Sixth grade is cruel. Have then ruin this girl. Don't tell us that they were mean. Show us how evil these kids are.

And what sixth grade child uses "dork-o-saurus"? These days, kids over seven swear with real swears. If you want this to be a family friendly story, use something like, "idiot" or "moron".

It needs some work, but I get the feeling you're not putting every great idea you generate into this. My advice is, put yourself into your characters' shoes, and I mean every character. Put in how you'd act if you were the meanest, but coolest kid in the 6th grade. Add how you'd react if you were the kid who was getting picked on. I believe this can become something great if you let ypurself go wild with it ^ -^

I agree with Tamatoshu2. I always put my soul into my character, it helps me write and that's why all of my stories are me, well I'm acting like the main character is me.

This is... Way too short, even for a prologue. I don't have a real problem with that, but seeing as how the majority of people here like long chapters, I suggest you make future parts longer.

Though, my first problem is the line, "What kind of super powers do you have, dork-o-saurus?". No person in 6th Grade would use the insult "dork-o-saurus", most 6th Graders would curse instead, but as Goggle-Face suggested, use "idiot" or something more risque then "dork-o-saurs" like that instead.

Your characters are dry and stereotypical. The most popular kid is mean, that's a very bland description, too little for one chapter. I suggest making him stick out from most popular kids, give him more depth.

On the bright side, I do like your describing of the characters actions and the story does have potential, but it's not off to a good start.

"I have super powers, I just don't wanna show you!" I yelled, stomping my foot against the gravel. All of the kids on the payground laughed. Especially Riley. I looked in the crowd for a friendly face. Once I found Eric, my best friend, I gave him a pleading glance, hoping he would help me out. He just shrugged apolegetically, a sign that he wouldn't be advertising our friendship.
"What kind of super powers do you have, idiot? The ability to bore people to death?" Riley asked. Riley was the coolest kid in the sixth grade. He was charming, coy, and (in everyone else's opinion) perfect. Straight A's, star of the city's baseball team,

"No!" I exclaimed. My attmept to defend myself obviously wasn't working.

Click to expand...

This is in the process of being edited. It's 12:56 in the morning, so I'm going to bed. I promise I'll try to do more next time I have nothing to do.