Saving Isla

SoniaOkay, here goes. My name is Sonia. I’m fifteen years old and I’m nice and caring. Well, you kind of have to be caring when you have three sisters, especially if one of those sisters has cancer and is your twin. See, my twin sister Isla has leukaemia. Acute promyelocytic leukaemia to be exact. I do all I can to help her. So does mum. Aunt Jasmine even narrowed down her working hours to help Isla. I suppose you’re thinking that it’s all about Isla, every minute of everyday. Well, mostly it can be, but mum cares about all of us, so no, it’s not all about Isla.

 

1. Yawn. Nobody cares if you're nice and caring if you're TELLING us. This part is more for a character sketch. Either save it for the sketch or show us. Have a part in the chapter where she shows how nice and caring she is. Don't tell, SHOW.

 

2. Explain? I don't really know how to comment on this part. This is just... I don't know. Something's missing.

 

3. It seems like it is. A girl with cancer kind of have to be the main attention of the family.

 

My sister Jessica used to donate bone marrow and lymphocytes and stuff for Isla. She wasn’t too thrilled about it. Jennifer, Jessica’s twin, claimed she didn’t care if it was her donating, but she’s actually pretty happy it’s not her. I know I said Jess used to donate, but Isla’s not dead, neither is Jess… yet. This story is about a big secret and lots of change.

1. Dude, how many bone marrows does she have?

 

2. WHAT. I'm sorry but that is the most oddest thing I've ever seen in a story. I mean... that's not apart of a story. That's the thing you'd put in an essay if you were talking about this narrative.

I know I wouldn't.

Wow. This... this is a really boring first chapter. Liven it up. It's much too short, it's really boring. This isn't a first chapter. This is a prelude.

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Geena1998

I woke up to find three girls playing nicely together in the living room. “Good morning, girls” I greeted them.

“Good morning, mum” they replied.

I walked past, and then stopped. Hang on I thought I thought I had four girls. There’s only three. I went back to the girls. Right, Sonia, Jessica, Jennifer… Isla’s missing. I said to myself. “Where’s Isla?” I asked the girls.

“She’s sleeping” Sonia replied.

“Nothing will wake her up,” complained Jessica.

“We tried everything,” Jennifer cried.

Alright, this is better. This part has dialouge and isn't explaining the whole plot. This is alright. Still far too short for a chapter, but it's getting better.

1. You're forgetting alot of commas and periods at the end. But, you're doing good when you have them. Like Jessica complaining, you add a comma at the end of a dialouge tag if there's something like said/cried/sobbed/whispered/ect after it. Work on that.

 

2. You know this is just too boring. You really need to work on describing stuff. This is a cardboard cut out of a story. Or at least your outline.

I knew Isla sleeping indicated something wrong. Usually, all four girls are up, bright and early, playing Barbies or whatever. I went into the room which Sonia and Isla share and sure enough, in her little canopy bed, Isla was sleeping.

“Hey Isla,” I said, “Time to rise and shine”

She rolled over onto her stomach, the back of her shirt lifted up. I went to wake her up. Along her spine was a little trail of bruises.

DESCRIBE YOUR STORY. I'm sorry.

Capitalize when this happens, when you make a new dialouge box.

Make something here to divide the story. Like three dashes or soemthing. It would get confusing in a book, this seems like the same scence.

“Well, what could it be for someone her age?” I asked the paediatrician.

“Maybe anaemia, could be a virus.” He replied, “We’ll have to draw some blood, run a few tests. We’ll let you know when we have results” Then he handed me a card. It was a small business card. It wasn’t his, but he told me it might be useful.

Dr A. Hopewell

Haematology/Oncology

“But oncology’s cancer, isn’t it?” I asked.

No need to tell us the card. Have her look at the card and notice Oncology.

We had been waiting a while, when a woman in a white jacket, aged about thirty, showed up. “I’m Dr. Hopewell” she said, “Isla’s white cell count is very low and along with that, she’s showing at twelve percent promyelocytes and five percent blasts. This suggests a leukaemic syndrome”

“Leukaemic?” I asked “As in cancer?”

Dr. Hopewell nodded. “I’ll have to do a bone marrow aspiration to confirm, Isla could have what is called acute promyelocytic leukaemia”

Of course I was worried. I mean, who wants to be told their three-year-old daughter has cancer? It’s not particularly good news.

I do condem you for learning so much about cancer. I mean, I can'te ven spell Leukemia without help. Granted you probably just took this whole plot and watered it down, making it into an 'original' story and not a cheap ripoff of My Sister's Keeper. Feel proud tht not many people watch this movie, kiddo.

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Chapter 3: 

Jessica

I can’t believe I have to be a donor for Isla.

 

Selfish kid we got here? Well, it's her twin, so she's three. This is good, a three year old wouldn't want to do this, I know for a fact.

 

I don’t want to do it, but without me, Isla will die... wait a minute, I’m sounding like my mum! I’m going to take a stand one day.

 

Never. EVER. Heard of a three year old having such an ephihany.

 

Yeah, that sounds great! I’ll find Aunt Tami and live with her.

 

Who?

 

Seriously, no one else I know has to do this, why me?

 

YOUR SISTER IS DYING KID. Well, to be honest, this 'chapter' might be my favourite. It makes me mad how a little child is selfish like this. But, it's really good. This can't pass as a chapter but... it's really good, like I said. Jessica might be my favourite so far. She's stuck in the dillema of helping herself or helping another.

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