Jungle Kids!

Please tell me what you think! And correct me if you really want to

Running, running, running.

Thats all I could do, a psycho old man was chasing me down for trick or treating at his door.

"I'll get you!" yelled the old man.

I dare not look back, I guess this is a bit off what Mum meant for not trick or treating alone.

"Leave me alone!" I screamed in exhaustion, I was getting slower.

I looked back, he wasn't slowing down, not even that tiny bit.

"You measly kid!" he yelled, I don't even knew what I did other than trick or treating.

"Whats your problem old man?" I yelled in pain, my legs were growing weak from all the banging on the sand.

I looked around, seeing the cold starry night and the blue waves from the ocean.

I grabbed a boost bar from my candy pouch, hoping they would help me keep my energy up.

I couldn't stand running any more, I ran into the rock pool for easier to run on ground.

Now I wished I never did that, why?

I slipped, my head collided with the rock and all I saw was black.

I woke up, first I saw the colour green.

I pushed my body off the ground with my hands, I suddenly realized I was no longer in the beach, probably no longer in Victoria.

I was stuck, in a lovely green jungle.

But at least I had enough candy in my candy pouch to last me around 3 weeks.

I heard foot steps, and rustling in the leaves.

I stood up, aware of another form of life near.

I kid poked his head out the bush.

"Hello!" he said, it was such a weird voice I almost didn't understand what he said.

"Uh, Hi," I replied, trying not to be rude.

[SIZE=14pt]TO BE CONTINUED[/SIZE]

The main thing I see with this is there's too many paragraphs.

You're making a new paragraph every sentence, are you not?

New paragraphs are for;

New topics.

New time /place.

New person speaking.

I see that you tried to use description, and I give you credit for that.

But in my opinion, there's too little description.

What time is it, what's the character wearing, what's the character's name?

I mean, heck, I don't even know if the character is a male or female.

Don't be afraid of using too much description. It's the 'too little' that I'd be more worried about.

... Now I wished I never did that, why?

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Just a minor punctuation thing.

There should be a period in replace of the comma.

... I screamed in exhaustion, I was getting slower.

Click to expand...

Same thing here.

Thats all I could do, a psycho old man ...

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Should be That's.

And same again as before. Replace the comma with a period.

Plus, I wouldn't use the word 'psycho'.

Find a replacement word for it.

Running, running, running.

Click to expand...

I notice that this is in present tense, while the rest of the story is past tense.

So it should be Run.

But this part sounds a little... strange.

So maybe take this part out, and start with:

All I could to was run. A psycho old man ...

But of course, like I said earlier, a different word other than 'psycho.

"Hello!" he said, it was such a weird voice I almost didn't understand what he said.

Click to expand...

Again, replace the comma with a period.

Also, I wouldn't say 'weird voice'.

Something like

'He had a strange accent that I had never heard before, so I almost didn't understand what he had said.'

That's all I really have to say.

What Kristin said, basically. Although rather choppy sentences and short paragraphs add suspense, I’m not sure if it’s really necessary for this whole “chapter” (I’m not sure whether this is supposed to be a chapter or not, but if it is, it’s far too short).

And also, the description for the man who was chasing the girl/boy/girlboyhybrid doesn’t make sense. “Psycho” is more of a noun than an adjective, so something along the lines of “psychotic old man” would have made more sense.

' date='July 27, 2010 08:53 am'] The main thing I see with this is there's too many paragraphs.You're making a new paragraph every sentence, are you not?

New paragraphs are for;

New topics.

New time /place.

New person speaking.

I see that you tried to use description, and I give you credit for that.

But in my opinion, there's too little description.

What time is it, what's the character wearing, what's the character's name?

I mean, heck, I don't even know if the character is a male or female.

Don't be afraid of using too much description. It's the 'too little' that I'd be more worried about.

Just a minor punctuation thing.

There should be a period in replace of the comma.

Same thing here.

Should be That's.

And same again as before. Replace the comma with a period.

Plus, I wouldn't use the word 'psycho'.

Find a replacement word for it.

I notice that this is in present tense, while the rest of the story is past tense.

So it should be Run.

But this part sounds a little... strange.

So maybe take this part out, and start with:

All I could to was run. A psycho old man ...

But of course, like I said earlier, a different word other than 'psycho.

Again, replace the comma with a period.

Also, I wouldn't say 'weird voice'.

Something like

'He had a strange accent that I had never heard before, so I almost didn't understand what he had said.'

That's all I really have to say.

Click to expand...

This.

All of what Kristin said.

This seems a bit rushed, as well. If this is a story in chapters, then they need to be longer. Especially the bit where they are first in the jungle. There wasn't even time to blink before the next bit of the plot arrived, and you need to describe a lot more.

' date='July 27, 2010 06:53 am'] The main thing I see with this is there's too many paragraphs.You're making a new paragraph every sentence, are you not?

New paragraphs are for;

New topics.

New time /place.

New person speaking.

I see that you tried to use description, and I give you credit for that.

But in my opinion, there's too little description.

What time is it, what's the character wearing, what's the character's name?

I mean, heck, I don't even know if the character is a male or female.

Don't be afraid of using too much description. It's the 'too little' that I'd be more worried about.

Just a minor punctuation thing.

There should be a period in replace of the comma.

Same thing here.

Should be That's.

And same again as before. Replace the comma with a period.

Plus, I wouldn't use the word 'psycho'.

Find a replacement word for it.

I notice that this is in present tense, while the rest of the story is past tense.

So it should be Run.

But this part sounds a little... strange.

So maybe take this part out, and start with:

All I could to was run. A psycho old man ...

But of course, like I said earlier, a different word other than 'psycho.

Again, replace the comma with a period.

Also, I wouldn't say 'weird voice'.

Something like

'He had a strange accent that I had never heard before, so I almost didn't understand what he had said.'

That's all I really have to say.

Click to expand...

Teachers haven't told us about the periods are used for yet and when they're used for.

Also my laptop is playing up with spellcheck.

Also I'm a new writer and I had to go to bed when I wrote it so that's why I rushed.

I hope everything will be easier to understand later.

I'm also typing this story to learn, not just for fun.

Thanks!!

And also I'm not using paragraphs, example of my paragraphs:

And then blah blah blahity huh?

Doop da boop mop sa

Teachers haven't told us about the periods are used for yet and when they're used for.
.....

I'm also typing this story to learn, not just for fun.

Click to expand...

Periods are the little dot at the end of a sentence. They're used to end sentences. Or three periods in a row '...' are used for full stops.

Since you're writing this to learn, I suggest you make the changes I've pointed out. Such as description, paragraphing, grammar, punctuation, etc...

Although you mightn't want to use paragraphing for your story, I suggest you should. It'll make the story a bit easier to read. If you're not sure when to paragraph, use google.

Teachers haven't told us about the periods are used for yet and when they're used for.Also my laptop is playing up with spellcheck.

Also I'm a new writer and I had to go to bed when I wrote it so that's why I rushed.

I hope everything will be easier to understand later.

[SIZE=17pt]I'm also typing this story to learn, not just for fun.[/SIZE]

Thanks!!

And also I'm not using paragraphs, example of my paragraphs:

And then blah blah blahity huh?

Doop da boop mop sa

Click to expand...

And she gave you help?

Help is not praise. Help is a review. She was helping, not peppering you with liesa bout how glorious your story is.

I don't understand Google-Face what do you mean?

Is it just me or do you think that I was thinking she was praising me cuz I didn't.

I don't understand Google-Face what do you mean?
Is it just me or do you think that I was thinking she was praising me cuz I didn't.

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*Goggle-Face

And I think she meant that if you put your (significantly flawed) story up, then you’re generally supposed to expect constructive criticism to help you improve your writing rather than just a bunch of glowing reviews which, although nice to get, don't really help you. But then again, I'm tired, so what do I know?

Running, running, running.Thats all I could do, a psycho old man was chasing me down for trick or treating at his door.

Click to expand...

Ok, technically I think this sentence should be

Running, running, running.

That was all I could do. A psycho old man was chasing me down for trick or treating at his door.

because the whole sentence is in past tense, and it doesn't make sense if you begin with "That's / That is". The whole sentence has to be written in a consistent time.

Yer I know thaty but I just get confused a lot XD thanks tho.