My storyyy

Chapter 1~

“Tasha!” I heard someone call my name. “Get up right now!”

I opened my eyes slowly, sitting up in my bed, seeing my sister, Kay, standing in the doorway of my bedroom.

“Uh, good morning, Kay.” I said, while stretching my arms and rubbing my eyes.

I looked through my window at the farmyard, which was rather wet from all the rain from the night before. I smiled when I saw our two horses, Twinkie and Star, looking up at my window through their stables.

“You’re going to be about... I don’t know, an hour late to school!” She told me.

“What!?” I asked, “Wait – What’s the time?”

Kay sighed and nodded over at the old clock on the wall, which read, eight forty five.

“Eight forty five!?” I shrieked, immediately throwing off the covers and getting out of bed.

“Yep, and it’s going to be even later if you just stand there.” Kay said, pushing her long black hair out of her eyes.

'Crap,' I thought, ‘I’ll probably be getting detention... again.’

“I’m not just standing there, you don’t know how hard it is getting up for school!” I muttered, feeling a little bit more annoyed.

“I still have to get up for work. You wouldn’t be as tired, if you didn’t stay up all night watching the television!”

“I was only awake until eleven thirty!” I cried, “That is not all night!”

Kay walked out of the room rolling her eyes.

I quickly grabbed the clothes I wore yesterday, which knowing me, were lying on the floor.

I ran through the hallway, going into the bathroom. As I got in there and hung up my clothes on the towel rack, I took off my old yellow nightshirt, and threw it over the towel rack.

I pulled the shower curtain, and carefully got in, as the floor was extremely wet.

I turned on the shower taps, and shrieked as I felt the cold water on my head.

“Kay!” I shouted, “Have you used-“

I heard the telephone ring, and it being picked up. I rolled my eyes, as I picked up the shampoo bottle from the shower floor, and noticed it was empty.

I turned off the shower taps, and squeezed my hair a little, to try and get the water out.

I opened the shower curtain, I heard Kay’s voice sound worried.

“Well, tomorrow, definitely. She’s just about to go to school...”

I listened more carefully to her conversation, as I dried my hair, and pulled on my grey tights.

“Sooner or later. Might as well be sooner...”

I pulled on my old, blue shirt, and grabbed a hair brush from the counter, while wondering what Kay was talking about.

I opened the bathroom door, and listened to her again, but she’d already hung up. I walked into the kitchen, to find her sitting on the kitchen bench, looking down like she was trying not to cry.

“K-Kay?” I asked, as she looked up, “What’s going on...”

“No, it’s fine, Tash, I’m fine.” She said, though I knew she didn’t mean it.

“Can I have a lift to school?” I asked, “Please?”

She nodded, “Okay. You’re being dropped off at home with Georgia, okay?”

I nodded. I grabbed my school bag, which was on the kitchen bench, and quickly grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl, and walked through the hall way through the front door. Kay opened the door for me, and I walked out, to see our two horses, Twinkie and Star, looking over at me from their stables.

“Kay, you’ve fed the horses, right?” I asked.

She smiled. “Yes, of course I have.

I walked over to Kay’s old white Ute, wondering why she was so upset.

Her eyes were watering a little, and she saw me staring at her.

She sighed. “I know you’re wondering why I’m, not so happy today...”

I looked up at her, and nodded. “Yes...” I said softly.

She opened the door of her car, and got in.

As I climbed in, she sighed again and looked at me in the eye.

“Tash, there’s something I need to tell you.”

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Is it okay??

Critisism is greatly appreciated.

Giant wall of text.

This story... this story is really boring. Your characters have nothing interesting about them. They're total cardboard cutouts. Make them interesting. I know this is only chapter one, and there must be more chapters beyond this to make them far more interesting, but honestly, if this was a book, I'd put it down. There's nothing interesting about these characters.

Second, add detail. As I said, a boring, un-detailed, cardboard cutout story. Less of a chapter to your novel and more of an outline for your first chapter.

And, don't write your story like this. Don't write it like a poem. Small blocks of text are okay.

Here's an example;

I quickly grabbed the clothes I wore yesterday, which knowing me, were lying on the floor.

I ran through the hallway, going into the bathroom. As I got in there and hung up my clothes on the towel rack, I took off my old yellow nightshirt, and threw it over the towel rack.

I pulled the shower curtain, and carefully got in, as the floor was extremely wet.

I turned on the shower taps, and shrieked as I felt the cold water on my head.

Should be this, if you must write it like a shopping list;

I quickly grabbed the clothes I wore yesterday, which knowing me, were lying on the floor. I ran through the hallway, going into the bathroom. As I got in there and hung up my clothes on the towel rack, I took off my old yellow nightshirt, and threw it over the towel rack. I pulled the shower curtain, and carefully got in, as the floor was extremely wet. I turned on the shower taps, and shrieked as I felt the cold water on my head.

Still, it's boring. Enough with the "I then" sentence starters unless this story is about an insane person. That makes writing like this interesting, but clearly it's not the case here. It's a really boring story.

But, on grammar and spelling, I see little to no problems. Maybe just a few, but they're nothing to nitpick over.

By the way, don't even bother trying to tell me "Oh, it'll get better later" because, frankly, I don't care. This chapter is boring and uninteresting, fix up the writing style, fix up the entertainment factor. Think of critisizm from a critic as getting it from a publisher; open your mind and accept the help, however cruel it may be.