My little stories

[SIZE=13pt]NOTE: I do write these in a notebook, so it takes a bit to post these, if they are a bit out of understanding please tell me.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]I am CURSED[/SIZE]

Do you ever actually feel bad luck? Have you ever felt like your own personal bad-luck charm? No? Then I WANT to be you, I have been permanently transformed into a girl that has no good-luck, only BAD-luck.

It all started when I was perfectly normal, oh how I miss those days. I always had marshmallows as a late night snack, my favourite was the white ones, oh how they used to melt in my mouth and turn into a sloppy mess, round, soft and delicious marshmallows. Only things is, marshmallows made me have nightmares, everywhere had shadows and withered flowers surround every step I took, I hated the dream and I had it every night, I had it every night, marshmallows just made the dream scarier.

"Puff! Puff! Puff!" I sat up in bed, I had the dream again, I know I should be over it but it was scary in its own way. Mum bursted through my bedroom door. "Are you okay?" she yelled in a panicked voice. "Only that dream," I replied. "Maybe we should see someone about that," suggested Mum, I knew she didn't actually care, "Whatever," I replied, she wouldn't say it, that we would go, I hated doctors, they scare me.

Wearing white, even shining white teeth, that KILLED my eyes. "Okay!" Mum replied, how? What? When? Mum NEVER says yes. "WHAT?!" I yelled loudly, before covering my mouth. Why did I say that? "Do you want to go?" asked Mum, raising an eyebrow and crossing her arms. I had confused her, she shouldn't be confused, I shouldn't of yelled at her. I thought life was messing up, big time. "Yes I do," I replied quickly. Mum ran to our home-phone while I grabbed a packet of marshmallows out of the cupboard.

I searched frantically for the white ones. I could hear Mum's voice from the other room, funny fow she sounds like shes talking to herself. "My daughter has a small mental problem, she has th-" Mum's voice was cut off by the TV. A host was introducing a hypnosis man. "Close your eyes and listen," the man said, I closed my eyes, this couldn't be true. I heard a peaceful song, I could feel myself falling asleep. Of course I had the dream.

I will post the rest later! Good-bye for now readers!

I'm no Claire, but I'll try and post some comments.

First thing I noticed? The capital letter useage, like 'BAD'. I get that you're supposed to notice words like that, but in my opinion? It just looks... weird. If you TALK like THIS all the TIME. Just my opinion.

And also, why is this based around marshmallows? It's about bad luck, so why them?

And I hardly think a recurring dream is a 'mental health issue'. I would have been classed mad long ago

I'm no Claire, but I'll try and post some comments.
First thing I noticed? The capital letter usage, like 'BAD'. I get that you're supposed to notice words like that, but in my opinion? It just looks... weird. If you TALK like THIS all the TIME. Just my opinion.

And also, why is this based around marshmallows? It's about bad luck, so why them?

And I hardly think a recurring dream is a 'mental health issue'. I would have been classed mad long ago

Click to expand...

I needed something to start the story off with, and marshmallows... Its not all about them its just it fits that it would cause nightmares.

The Mum is an idiot sooo lol

I ran around an empty brown paddock, well; not exactly empty. Dead cows laid everywhere, flys' were attracted to the lifeless bodies and buzzed around them. I walked through the maze of dead cows and fell into a hole. It seemed never-ending but I hit the ground, I was shocked with imaginary pain. I looked around, I should have woken up by now.

A bunch of wall torches revealed a path, I followed the path with my eyes until i was frightened by a sudden voice. "Hello Alexa," the voice said in a kind voice, I flinched, that was my name! I looked up to see the shadow of a man. "How do you know my name?" I asked the man, I could hear him silently giggling. "It's a dream Alexa," said the man while stepping out of the shadows, he was nothing I had ever seen before, I had a mental blank while admiring his features.

I snapped back into my mind, "I sure hope it isn't a dream." "Sometimes I wish I wasn't a dream," said the man in a dreamy voice. "What do you mean?" I asked, I stepped closer to this man every-time I said a word. "I appear in many dreams of different people, but this dream is special," he explained, special? How can my dream be special?.

Sorry, my Mum is NAGGING me to get off the computer, see yous tomorrow.

Okay, I have a big, major issue with your writing habits.

No, listen, don't assume I'm smashing you. What I mean is that you say "My mom's forcing me off," "My brother is being a snoop," ect.

Do you plan your stories? I won't doubt you don't, but since you say "I have to go so I'll ost the rest later" .... Do you even write this in a word document? Or are you just typing this on TamaTalk? Put it in a word document. Then when the FULL chapter is done and ready, not just little snippets, you can post it. Posting little parts, bit by bit, could annoy and peev-off your readers. If you post chunks of the story at a time, just little chunks, though, like twenty sentences, you feel robbed.

Put the whole story in MS Word, or whatever writing program you have, and then post the chapters. The FULL chapters.

Now, my critique.

A question, about this sentence;

"Puff! Puff! Puff!" I sat up in bed, I had the dream again, I know I should be over it but it was scary in its own way.

Puff? Is she panting? I suggest not saying puff. 'Puff' is a 'funny word', as in it can knock the serious factor away. Say "I was panting heavily" or something like that.

You can, however, say 'huff' in this sentence;

"Only... huff... that dream," I replied.

One small error is that you don't make a new line when someone talks.

"Only that dream," I replied.

"Maybe we should see someone about that," suggested Mum.

Never break that rule.

And, Ellie is correct. A reoccuring dream is not a sign of insanity. Reoccuring dreams, in general, though, can be a sign of insanity. But it depends on the subject. Reoccuring dreams about marrying someone isn't insanity. Reoccuring dreams about murdering people in your family is a sign. A rather big sign.

Don't choose marshmallows. Just say she reached for a snack. It'd be a bit better, methinks.

There's something wrong with your writing style right now... you're obviously, clearly writing from first point view, which is fine. But you're writing it like a shopping list.

You keep starting sentences with "I". Make something unique happen so you don't have to start the sentence with 'I'. Unique as in, don't have Alexa keep doing things. Comment on how she feels.

I know it's the font, and bold looks nicer, but instead of bolding something for enphasis, put it in italics. Looks nicer, and it's noticable, but still subtle. Bolded could get annoying, da?

Well, I enjoyed it. I kinda thought how it was strange, but cool how you took a serious situation and mellowed it a little bit with just one word... perhaps you could try italics instead of bold though if it's beginning to annoy people.

Anywho, I think sometimes things work when you don't plan. I don't plan when I write, and that's where the unpredictableness (<-- not sure if that's even a word x P) comes into place.

@Goggle-Face, read the first line of the first post I said...

What I mean is to type it up in Microsoft Word, the whole chapter, and then post it. That way you can check for spelling and grammar if you don't have FireFox, and it can be presented neater. Giving up some suspence value for presentation is alright.

I don't have chapters... Anyway I just use tamatalk for spelling mistakes.