The Haunted Roller-Coaster

[SIZE=8pt]Chapter.1[/SIZE]

I closed my eyes as a shrill scream escaped my throat.

Bouncing hard, I opened them just in time to see the trees fly by in a jarring blur. "Whoa!" I was tossed forward as I roared straight down into darkness.

A sudden spin made me cry out again. My car tilted hard to the left and I bumped into my sister, Rosie. She was screaming as well. Her bright red hair flew out wildly behind her head.

We swooped down once more, a steep dip. I yelped in surpise as I felt myself almost fly up from the seat. The trees whirred by, shadowy in the dark moonlight. The car clattered noisly as it began to climb up again.

"This is great!" I screamed to Rosie.

Her face was bright red. Her blue eyes were wide, staring up to the top of the track. She grinned at me and started to reply, but we swooped down again. When the ride stopped and we were back to the little station-

"You were right, Jake!" she exclaimed.

"The Scorpion is awesome!."

We staggered off the platform and headed for the exit path. I turned back to stare at the enormous roller coaster, the wooden tracks rising up even darker than the right sky.

My heart was still racing. As Rosie and I walked, we were surrounded by laughter, shouting voices." I-I thought the ride was over,"Rosie said smoothing out her hair.

"But then we went up again!"

"That has to be the longest roller coster ride anywhere!" I exclaimed. "Other roller coaster rides only last a minute or 2. But this was like over 4 minutes!"

I'm kinda an expert on roller coasters. I ride them whenever I get a chance. And i never ride 'em just once. This was Rosie's first time riding the Scorpion, i'd ridden it about half a dozen times.

She 13 and I'm 13, but I think I look older. She about 5 inches shorter than me, even with all that wild red hair. I guess she's kinda pretty. She has nice green eyes, and a great smile.

People always tell me I don't smile much, I've got dark brown hair, and dak brown eyes. I'm just serious, thats all.

We stopped at a food stand to buy Icees. All that screaming can make you thirsty. After having gulped down all of her soda, Rosie glanced up at the dark sky. A pale half-moon had risen above the trees. "It's getting pretty late." she said. 'Past your bedtime, Jake." She joked.

Ha-ha." I replied rolling my eyes.

Rosie and I threw are cups away.

"What do you wanna do now?" I asked. We had been at the park since early that morning. We had already been on most of the other roller coasters.

"Let's ride the Scorpion again!" Rosie cried.

Her eyes lit up as an excited grin crossed her face. "Come on!"

"The line is pretty long." I said. Glancing at my watch.

"Come on!" she said, ignoring me. She ran off toward it.

"Okay." I sighed.

..

That was when all the trouble began...

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Please comment and tell meh what you think. I spent like 3 days just writing this! xD

This is your first chapter?

To be honest, it's a rather short chapter.

It needs to be longer. Talk about more things they did after the roller coaster ride. Don't just give a brief 'we stopped at a food stand to buy icees'

Write about things the characters talked about, their thoughts and feelings. Talk about what you did before the roller coaster, maybe?

But then again, this is just my one opinion and suggestions on making the chapter longer.

And I notice this other thing a few times. You're not capitalizing your letter I sometimes. I see a few 'i'm' and 'i'd' and even one [or maybe two, I don't know] i. It should be I'm, I'd, and I. You probably already know that, but just let it slip up? Either way, the I needs to be capitalized.

Also, I don't know many types of thirteen year olds with bedtimes. Maybe the character was joking when she said it? So you should say 'Rosie said, jokingly.' If she wasn't joking [Which I don't see why this could be a serious statement] then, well, all I have to say is ignore this bit of my criticism.

People always tell me I don't smile much

Click to expand...

I'm just serious, thats all.

Click to expand...

Don't tell us this. Let the reader figure out that it's a serious character that doesn't smile much. Show it as the story progresses. Let us get to know the character bit by bit instead of hoarding us with information right off the bat. Don't tell us personality traits--- show them us.

Also, should be that's, not thats.

Also, I see a few spelling errors. Are you typing this on a word program on your computer? Most programs I know of have spelling check, so if you are typing it on a word program, you should use the spelling check tool [if it has one]. If you're not typing it on a word program, you should. It lets you go back to edit spelling / punctuation / grammar mistakes, and take out unneeded paragraphs, and add paragraphs, and whatnot.

All in all, I do think that this story is better than some stories I have read on here. But just give us some description, fix up spelling, etc... and I do think you'll have a decent story.

I didn't wanT to talk about what happened before because I babble, and I want it to be all about the theme park. All the other rides and stuff will be discusses later on, this is just the first chapter.

p.s I fix that suff

[SIZE=8pt]Chapter 2, Part 1[/SIZE]

Rosie and I jogged side by side to the end of the line. It stretched along a low wall in front of a line of trees. We were breathing hard by the time we got there.

Up ahead we culd hear the clatter of the of roller coaster cars and we could hear kids screaming their heads off. But we couldn't see them. The Scorpion stretches off into the woods. It's almost entirely hidden from view.

We stepped up behind two teenage boys. They both had long hair. One of them wore a Cincinnati Reds cap. The one with the cap shoved the other one playfully against the wall. They both laughed.

A blue-uniformed guard stepped up suddenly behind Rosie and me. She set down a sign that said LINE CLOSED.

"We just made it!" Rosie cried happily.

"We're the last ones!"

I glanced at my watch. I was a little worried about the time. I was supposed to call me my mom when we were ready to be picked up. But we were so busy riding all the roller coasters, I'd completely forgotten. We'll have to phone her as said as the ride is over, I told myself.

A cold breeze blew over us I could hear hig-pitched screams coming from the roller coaster up ahead.

'This is great!" Rosie cried. "I can't believe we're the very last ones in line!"

"Yeah. We just made it," I said.

The 2 guys ahead of us were goofing around.

"Hey, Gary give me my hat!"

"Whos going to make me?"

They started wrestling for the hat., laughing and shoving each other. The one named Gary bumped Rosie hard.

"Hey-" She cried out angrily.

"Sorry," he said grinning at her. "Ernie pushed meh."

"You ever ride the Beast before?" He asked Rosie.

Sure. About a hundred times." Rosie lied.

"Were ya scared?" Ernie asked grinning at me.

"No way!" I told him.

"You know, the Scorpion is haunted," Ernie said adjusting his cap. His grin faded

Part 2 in like an... hour or so xD