No titlee...

Well here it is:

Tears streamed down her face, the cold air stung against her wet skin. High above in the sky, threatening dark clouds appeared.

The hurtful words and taunting spun round her head as she ran.

Suddenly the sky gave way and poured down.

She didn’t stop running. The rain soaked through her clothes making them heavy. Her sneakers were drenched and pools of water were forming inside them.

She stopped and looked up into the rain, then sunk to the floor.

Rochelle paced round the kitchen, glancing up at the clock every so often. The minutes ticked on and Trusty, her little sister wasn't home yet. The elder girl slumped back into her chair and stirred her now cold coffee.

Her ears pricked up at the sound of scrabbling at the door then it burst open and standing there was Trusty. She was soaked and her eyes were red. Rochelle rushed over and threw a towel round the small girl, whilst dragging her up the stairs to the bathroom.

"This is the part where you beg me for mercy whilst I think of a punishment for you."

She looked over at her younger self who was washing her Ebony black hair. "Muhh" was the reply she got.

That was when she exploded.

"Forgodness sake Trusty! Where the heck have you been? School finished six hours ago!"

Trusty looked up into her sisters wide eyes and opened her mouth as if she were to speak. Nothing came out. She tried again. Still nothing.

Panic washed over the girl and she began to cry.

Rochelle rushed downstairs and dialed 999.

Done. This is the first chapter. I haven't thought of a title. This is my first SERIOUS story I've written and I'd appreciate a little advice. Just no flaming.

This seems like an alright story. I justh ave a few complaints to point out.

One, Trusty's whole running scene seemed... short and cliched. It has no detail in it and the whole idea of 'sadly running in the rain' is very dried out. Using rain as your filler for sadness is overused. Which is a shame, because a sad scene in the rain really does add emphasis to the scene and makes it sweeter. Sometimes.

Two, you have lots of grammatical errors.

" The minutes ticked on and Trusty, her little sister wasn't home yet."

There should be a comma after 'little sister'. this one is very small, don't worry.

"Forgodness sake Trusty! Where the heck have you been? School finished six hours ago!"

Should be;

"For godness sake, Trusty! Where the heck have you been? School finished six hours ago!"

Also, "Forgoodness" isn't a word.

She looked over at her younger self who was washing her Ebony black hair. "Muhh" was the reply she got.

Two things. One, you don't need to capitalize 'ebony' unless that was her name. And the response can be legally written two ways;

"She looked over at her younger self who was washing her ebony black hair. the reply she got was a garbled mess or words."

She looked over at her younger self who was washing her ebony black hair. She croaked out a strang "Muhh," sound."

Whatever sounds better.

"Trusty looked up into her sisters wide eyes and opened her mouth as if she were to speak."

'Sisters' is more than one. "Sister's" is possesive.

Three, I presume 999 is the English equivalent to 911? If so, you wouldn't call 911 if your sister was crying. You'd comfort her, but if she was very traumatized and kept acting insane, you'd call 911. Logical sense.

Lastly, far too short. this isn't a first chapter. This is a blurb of it. If this is going to be a good story, you need to make this MUCH longer. Don't worry about people complaining of the length. Get the who chapter out.

Overall, I see much improvement needed for this to be a seriously-taken story.

Thanks Claire. I'll review and edit my story.

I'm going to have to agree with Claire's crits on this one. Once you follow her advice and fix it up, I'd love to read it.

 

And oh my lord, this is the first person that hasn't completely tried to reject Claire's help and claim that they hurt their feelings, Hallelujah, there are still people left on this site who can handle criticism.

^ That's very true. xD

I also agree. I do like the style of which you write. Once you've fixed it up a bit, I bet it'll be a great story.