Can you reveiw my story?

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mudkipchi

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You would have thought that playing a game with your friends would be a good idea but when I was play a

game of hide and seek in the forist with three of my friends I was running to my best hiding place when it

suddenly got misty. I couldn't see anything then I got a sharp ringing in my ear, I felt drowsy i felt

like I was about to fall to the ground. Everything had just went black and all I could hear was the ringing,

I fell to my knees, closed my eyes and blanced out. I awoke and I felt strange and the ringing had stopped,

I had no idea what happened, I had to go find my friends to see if they were all okay. I had found Cameron he was hiding under a stump, I stepped closer to him when he looked at me and he ran. I had no idea why

he ran so I followed him he ran to the river then lost him. I stared at my reflection and saw that I had

transformed into a wolf !

I have no title post some for me please

 
Well..maybe it has potential. I see quite a few spelling mistakes, and maybe a run-on sentence or two. I can't really get the feel or understand the point of the story because we have no information at all about the main charrie, no background, no nothing. If you intend for this to be your first chapter or something.. well your going to need to work on this alot.

 
Well, for starters, this is the most... I can't think of a nice word.

This story has alot, and I mean ALOT of work needed. Your first sentence is just... a drabble. It's so dull. And it's a run-on sentence. You need lots more puncuation. More commas, for sure.

Second, this story is REALLY cliched. Suddenly turning into a wolf? No reason behind it? That is the bare plot os most B Movies involving wolves. It's alright if you don't know what a B Movie is. Basically, a B Movie is a monster movie.

Your grammar is rather low grade. There is too many "I"'s, this is what you'd call a "Shopping list". Every sentence it starting with an I. I get that this is first person, and yes, it's very easy to fall prey to this problem. Try to describe more. This will also make the length of the story longer and more interesting.

It seems like you jumped way to far into the story. You wanted to get straight to the action. This isn't good. I know you want to get to the interesting parts, but you need to pan the chapters out. This story is low gradde and too short for it's own good if you want this to be really good.

This is far too short. This is not a first chapter. Granted, I have a feeling you're young. I don't want to assume anything, but I'm going to guess you're younger than 10? That's alright. But you're going to want to fix your work. This is the length of a story a 6 year old would be writing. Make your story longer. You can even jump right to the action in chapter 1 if you want your story to just be a short story. This story, right now, is about the length of one paragraph. Make it longer and it'll be more interesting.

Overall, dull, but I can see your plot, which is good. It's rather boring right now, to be honest, but I can still understand what's going on; a boy (or girl? This wasn't made clear) is turned into a werewolf. That's an alright plot, nothing wrong with it. Just fix up your work. I see much help needed for this story to be good.

 
Well, for starters, this is the most... I can't think of a nice word.
This story has alot, and I mean ALOT of work needed. Your first sentence is just... a drabble. It's so dull. And it's a run-on sentence. You need lots more puncuation. More commas, for sure.

Second, this story is REALLY cliched. Suddenly turning into a wolf? No reason behind it? That is the bare plot os most B Movies involving wolves. It's alright if you don't know what a B Movie is. Basically, a B Movie is a monster movie.

Your grammar is rather low grade. There is too many "I"'s, this is what you'd call a "Shopping list". Every sentence it starting with an I. I get that this is first person, and yes, it's very easy to fall prey to this problem. Try to describe more. This will also make the length of the story longer and more interesting.

It seems like you jumped way to far into the story. You wanted to get straight to the action. This isn't good. I know you want to get to the interesting parts, but you need to pan the chapters out. This story is low gradde and too short for it's own good if you want this to be really good.

This is far too short. This is not a first chapter. Granted, I have a feeling you're young. I don't want to assume anything, but I'm going to guess you're younger than 10? That's alright. But you're going to want to fix your work. This is the length of a story a 6 year old would be writing. Make your story longer. You can even jump right to the action in chapter 1 if you want your story to just be a short story. This story, right now, is about the length of one paragraph. Make it longer and it'll be more interesting.

Overall, dull, but I can see your plot, which is good. It's rather boring right now, to be honest, but I can still understand what's going on; a boy (or girl? This wasn't made clear) is turned into a werewolf. That's an alright plot, nothing wrong with it. Just fix up your work. I see much help needed for this story to be good.
I couldn't have said it better, in fact I didn't.xD

 
I appreciate you review. The reason for the spelling mistakes is that I am Dyslexic with words. Also i wrote this about the middle of the night. This is nowhere near the end of the first chapter. The program i am using does NOT have a spell check.

Once i have cleaned it up a bit i will post it .... and I hope a bit more positive review

EDIT:I am working on it and so far .... in the middle.....

 
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