That's School For Me.

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Jadeie

Jadeie

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[SIZE=14pt]CHAPTER 1[/SIZE]

Riding a bus to school, it isn't fun a bit. Not unless the bus could fly so there was something new to look through the window, not just a plain old boring street, there would be the light blue sky and the fuzzy white clouds. The bus came to a fast stop, obviously the driver had gotten drunk the night before. "Out!" yelled the driver, he was angry with everyone for no reason all the time. His yelling woke me from day-dreaming. All the kids pushed and shoved their way over to the bus door, I doubt anyone would expect anything less from primary school children. I sat and waited until all the shoving kids were out the bus door.

"Oi! Karii! Get out the bus you lazy girl!" the bus driver yelled. I grabbed my back-pack and ran down the long bus and out the door, almost tripping several times. The bus drove off, at least 2 times the speed limit. I saw a lone figure running up to me, closer the figure ran I realized it was Georgia. Georgia was my best-friend, we did almost everything together. But she could really be a b@#$% sometimes, especially while near the 'popular' girls. We ran up to each other. "Guess what?" she said, just simply. "What?" I said, there wasn't anything else to say. "I'm popular now! So goodbye!" she said before running off, my only friend, running off just like that?

"WAIT!" I yelled, running after her twice the speed, Georgia was a really slow runner. "Go away loser!" she snapped at me, I stopped and almost cried over the loss of my only friend.

I walked over slowly to the quadrangle where I saw Georgia hanging around with the popular girls, she was having a great time. I jogged past them and hooked up my bag, glaring at them. "Stop looking at me! Are you bisexual or something?" Georgia yelled at me, high-fiving all the popular girls because at her comeback. This time she had pushed me all the way over to the angry side, "Listen here Georgia, why don't you hang around your little Bratz dolls and your Barbie? I know you love them!" I snapped at her.

[SIZE=13pt]CHAPTER IS YET TO BE FINISHED![/SIZE]

 
[SIZE=14pt]CHAPTER 1[/SIZE]
Riding a bus to school, it isn't fun a bit. it isn't fun at all. Not unless the bus could fly so there was something new to look through the window, not just a plain old boring street, there would be the light blue sky and the fuzzy white clouds. The bus came to a fast stop, obviously the driver had gotten drunk the night before.

Paragraph needed. "Out!" yelled the driver, he was angry with everyone for no reason all the time. His yelling woke me from day-dreaming. All the kids pushed and shoved their way over to the bus door, I doubt anyone would expect anything less from primary school children. I sat and waited until all the shoving kids were out the bus door.

"Oi! Karii! Get out the bus you lazy girl!" the bus driver yelled.

1. How is it obvious? He just slammed the brakes. So far it seems like you're trying too hard at a ~dark and edgy~ story but bringing drinking into this.

Paragrah needed. I grabbed my back-pack and ran down the long bus and out the door, almost tripping several times. The bus drove off, at least 2 times the speed limit. I saw a lone figure running up to me, closer the figure ran I realized it was Georgia.

A paragraph here could work, but you don't have to have one. Georgia was my best-friend, we did almost everything together. But she could really be a b@#$% sometimes, especially while near the 'popular' girls.  We ran up to each other.

Paragraph needed. "Guess what?" she said, just simply.

Paragraph needed."What?" I said, there wasn't anything else to say.

Paragraph needed."I'm popular now! So goodbye!" she said before running off, my only friend, running off just like that?

1. I striked this out because you don't need to say 'just simply'. Saying 'she said simply' is grammatically correct.

2. ... Seriously? "I'm popular bye!" ... that is horrible. Popularity doesn't mean you abandon friends and go hang out with people deemed popular. It's about being well known. Fame or infame. That's what popularity is. It's not hanging out with a bunch of scarley dressed girls and strong, buff guys.

3. Somehow this sentence doesn't flow right. I suggest getting rid of the question mark and making it a period.

"WAIT!" I yelled, running after her twice the speed, Georgia was a really slow runner.

Paragraph needed."Go away, loser!" she snapped at me, I stopped and almost cried over the loss of my only friend.

I walked over slowly to the quadrangle where I saw Georgia hanging around with the popular girls, she was having a great time. I jogged past them and hooked up my bag, glaring at them.

Paragraph needed."Stop looking at me! Are you bisexual or something?" Georgia yelled at me, high-fiving all the popular girls because at her comeback.

Paragraph needed.This time she had pushed me all the way over to the angry side, "Listen here Georgia, why don't you hang around your little Bratz dolls and your Barbie? I know you love them!" I snapped at her.

1. I put a comma there. It didn't flow very nicely because you didn't have a comma.

1. ... That is insulting. Don't joke around with sexuality like that. I know (Well, I hope) you didn't mean to come off insulting, but that sentence is basically you self inserting your opinion on bisexuality. "EWWW BISEXUALS EWW" is what you're saying. Don't try to use ~big girl words~ when they come off insulting.

[SIZE=13pt]CHAPTER IS YET TO BE FINISHED![/SIZE]
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My review is in the quote.

 
This story is okay I guess, it needs editing and some of the things just don't sound right.

1. ... That is insulting. Don't joke around with sexuality like that. I know (Well, I hope) you didn't mean to come off insulting, but that sentence is basically you self inserting your opinion on bisexuality. "EWWW BISEXUALS EWW" is what you're saying. Don't try to use ~big girl words~ when they come off insulting.
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@Goggle-Face: I really don't think that was the point, I think she was trying to say that this girl is using a lame way of tormenting Karii and Georgia will stoop to any level to impress the popular crowd.

 
This story is okay I guess, it needs editing and some of the things just don't sound right.

@Goggle-Face: I really don't think that was the point, I think she was trying to say that this girl is using a lame way of tormenting Karii and Georgia will stoop to any level to impress the popular crowd.
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That is how I critique.

Simple as that.

 
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It's a nice piece of writing and with a little sub editing work it looks as if it could evolve into a good short story.

Most of the grammatical corrections already given are quite constructive and worth trying to incorporate or adapt to your style as they will improve the flow of your writing.

I also agree that you need more paragraphs.

The longer the piece, the easier it will be for the reader if you keep the paragraphs coming :)

However, I am not sure I agree with two of the critiques on style:

2. ... Seriously? "I'm popular bye!" ... that is horrible. Popularity doesn't mean you abandon friends and go hang out with people deemed popular. It's about being well known. Fame or infame. That's what popularity is. It's not hanging out with a bunch of scarley dressed girls and strong, buff guys.
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I think you're writing quite realistically.

Most of us know what "popularity" means - or what it /should/ mean.

Most of us also know that girls often do say things just like that.

1. ... That is insulting. Don't joke around with sexuality like that. I know (Well, I hope) you didn't mean to come off insulting, but that sentence is basically you self inserting your opinion on bisexuality. "EWWW BISEXUALS EWW" is what you're saying. Don't try to use ~big girl words~ when they come off insulting.
Click to expand...
I think you're being realistic.

Most of us know that it's not acceptable to insult a person's sexuality.

Most of us also know that people often say things just like that, especially in the school yard.

Writers have been known to express their own personal opinions through their work - but it is not a "given".

Equally, as the author, you have the right to express your opinion on bisexuality if that is what you wish / intend to do.

The reverse is equally true - and could be considered more challenging :)

One of the fastest methods of improving your grammar, spelling and general style of writing is to read established, respected authors. Even if you don't enjoy the story, look at the style of writing, the words they use, the paragraphs, etc.

Much of their good words can be absorbed subconsciously and start to reflect in your own writing skills and style. I'm not suggesting plagiarism - more the kind of influences that good quality literature can have on your own work.

Try to avoid limiting your reading to a few genres (like manga for example). They may be the only kind of work you really enjoy reading right now, but it really does pay off to widen your reading list.

Take a deep breath and start putting your nose into some of those pieces of "literature" that you'll probably have to study in English class before long anyway :)

 
I am not against bisexuals. I said bisexual because most of the kids in my school say it a lot and its a nasty way to try and impress others. But they say 'gay' instead, I find that a bit of a improper way to call bisexuals.

 
@Jadeie You've got a lot of work to do, but this story has potential. I say "Continue."

 
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2. ... Seriously? "I'm popular bye!" ... that is horrible. Popularity doesn't mean you abandon friends and go hang out with people deemed popular. It's about being well known. Fame or infame. That's what popularity is. It's not hanging out with a bunch of scarley dressed girls and strong, buff guys.
Click to expand...
Actually, reputation, status and stereotypes have grown on quite a few people. Everyone's conscious about their popularity rank and how people see them, therefore they become mean to anyone they think is better than them (which is all in their heads), and push themselves to become better and get a higher rank, also to make themselves feel secure again.

What I am saying is, girls rely on being mean on each other, to make the victim have insecurities, and the bully have none.

And, quite frankly, what Jadeie wrote about the mean girls, is really common.

Sorry, but it's truth.

 
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