Him. Always, forever.

{It's kind of embarrassing to post something like this, but I wrote it down earlier and I wanted to share it with people other then my friends... Please tell me what you think, and yes, it's a personal experience Q^Q;;; And I finished it there but it's not the end of the story... There is so much more. Should I write a part two?}

When I first realised that I loved you, I knew it wasn't good. I knew you wouldn't, didn't return my feelings.

It made me sick but still, what could I expect? When I realised my feelings I was with him, with him, not you. Away from you. With him.

And I stayed with him.

I was terrified, I couldn't tell you because with him was perfect. Perfectly imperfect. I needed you. But I distanced myself from you, he told me too. He was jealous.

He saw that I loved you too, I loved him. But I loved you too.

For one year I refused to fall for you, I stayed with him. We stayed with eachother, but he knew. I knew he knew. He knew I was conflicted between the two of you, but deep down... I always loved, love you more.

Then we parted. Not because of you, because of us. What was wrong with us. It wasn't a lot, I loved him. Loved. But I don't anymore, I can't. He hurt me, I hurt him too, we hurt eachother. We don't deserve eachother.

For a while, all I felt was agonising pain, my heart throbbing with the worry that I because of him, I lost you. Lost you both. Would I die alone now? Often my eyes would burn with tears for no reason. No, there was a reason.

You. I still loved you. It was just harder to see now through the pain of a broken relationship, friendship. With him.

For a long time it was all about him. Even though he was gone. I wanted it to be about you, I wanted you to think it was all about me. I was selfish, I yearned desperately for both of you. You. Just you.

Then one day, wonderfully, fatefully, we looked at eachother. I smiled, I'm pretty sure you smiled. Your smile, that one that makes me melt. I made my way over to you, we were friends before, good friends. But not anymore...

And I was going to fix that.

And fix I did. I loved you and finally, you said, you loved me back. We loved eachother. We dated eachother. We were finally together.

Only for 3 months...

She came along, she always came along. I remember her. She was the cause for more then one heartbreak. She was beautiful, elegant, she spoke well... She was funny. Did you think you loved her? Did you love her? Or did you just wish I was her?

I wish I was her, I've always wished I was her. I always wished I was beautiful, beautiful for you. Only you. Only ever you. From then on I knew it would only ever be you.

I was okay with that. Because it was you, I didn't care as long as it was you.

But, you hated me after that. Why did you hate me? I didn't think I had done anything wrong. I hoped I didn't do anything wrong. I never want to do wrong by you, you're too valuable.

After a month, we started going back to normal, I still loved you. I NEVER stopped loving you. How could I? Your were the one for me, only me. Please let it only be me!

From there, you classified us as 'best friends'. Whatever that meant, whatever that meant to you. I took half of what you gave me, burried the 'friends' deep down into the dark pits of my heart where, yeah, it meant something but not everything.

Then I kept the best, cherished it, close in the light because that's what we were. Best, together. Together, you and me.

This really made me cry. It's fantastic. I love it. Please, you've got to go on. This is exactly how I am feeling at the moment, at least half of it. It's beautiful. It also makes me think others do feel the same way sometimes. <3