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The Love of Two Worlds, Chapter One

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Posted 08 July 2011 - 09:40 PM ( #1 )

I remember. That one day. That one day that changed my life...forever. When I met...you.

It was late afternoon. The sunset was almost over. The beach was so beautiful, and no one was around...I had the whole beach all to myself. No one was around. It was my favourite kind of evening. Everything was perfect. The beach, the sunset, the music...wait, what? "MUSIC?" I knew, at that moment, that I wasn't alone on the beach. "It's coming from...those...rocks..!" I tried to run, but almost tripped. "Yikes!!!!" Too late, I tripped...after I recovered, I ran down the hill, yet very quietly. And saw something that took my breath away. He was a boy, about my age. He had unruly sandy hair, pale, creamy skin, quite skinny body, and had a thin red rope around his neck. On the end was pearly white panpipes, which he was playing. "E-e-excuse me..." I stammered. He turned around with a startled look on his face, and I saw his eyes. Piercing, penatrating, light green. He had a light dusting of freckles along his cheeks. And he did NOT look pleased. "Uhmm...hehehee...nice panpipes...uhmm..." His eyes narrowed in suspicion and his mouth made a line. "So, uhmm, I'm...Anna...? Nice to....er...meet...you.....I...think...?" I backed away, up the hill. "See you....la-" He had turned around and began playing his panpipes again. Talk about first impressions, huh?







08 Jul 2011

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01 Aug 2011


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Posted 09 July 2011 - 07:15 AM ( #2 )

I think this is way too short to be a chapter. That's more like a long paragraph sorry to say. But it seems very interesting, but you don't have the thing in your 'chapter' to hook the reader.


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Posted 09 July 2011 - 10:00 AM ( #3 )

I think you need longer sentences. At the moment, your story consists of nothing but short, boring sentences. Not to mention, the character isn't very original. She feels ordinary and we don't know much about her. The first chapter from her point of view should always be able to tell us about her as a person. You have some grammar errors too.


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Posted 01 August 2011 - 05:30 PM ( #4 )

This seems to be more like an introduction than a chapter...

Maybe you should make it an introduction. But don't get offended or mad, it's just a suggestion. :)