Posted 22 August 2011 - 06:40 PM
Emily was shrinking in a pit of despair. She knew it was one of her nightmares, and she would wake up....right? The darkness spun around her, feeling so.....real. Was this real? If so, she was doomed. "AAAUUUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And then back to real life. Emily sat straight up, her dark hair getting in her face again. Her peircing green eyes were still wide with horror, and it took her a second to realise that she was awake. "Great...the fifth nightmare in a row!" Glancing at her alarm clock, she realized it was already 7:00. Once she was out of bed, she dug through her closet, trying to find something that works. She pulled out some ripped-beyond-repair blue jeans and a long sleeved auburn sweater. After getting dressed, she went to the bathroom to fix her hair. "A barette here, another one here, let's comb it, aaand...done!" She raced out, with 10 minutes to spare, since her school started at 7:30. "Mom?? You here..? She must still be at the party...." Shoving a stale granola bar in her mouth, she quickly pulled on her backpack that was WAAAY to young for a freshman in high school, and raced out the door to catch her bus.
"Hey look! It's the loser creepo girl!" "Ever heard of a SHOWER, Emily? How about, fashion? Ha!" "It's no wonder you don't have any friends, because even the rejects would be embarresed to even say hi!" "Hey, Nerdo? How will you brownose today, huh?" Emily was surrounded by the popular girls who made her feel like THIS nightmare made the other one seem like nothing at all. "Leave me ALONE!!!" OOOOHHHHH, it has a TEMPER!!!!!" "I'm not an 'it', so go away!" Emily ran down the stairs, even though class was going to start in a few seconds and she knew she was going the wrong way. Today was the 9th time in a row she skipped. She fast-walked, and then went to a full-out run. The bell had alrealy rang, so no one was in the hall, but she didn't care. She ran out and away from the school. Farther away...until the park. She stopped and fell on her hands and knees in front of the pond. Her face was still dripping with tears. "I'm not going to take any more of this! Mom parties all the time, school is worse, and my dreams make me want to die!!!! I can't take it!!!!!!!!!!" She must have sat there for 2 hours, since the park was empty on a weekday, anyway. Suddenly, she had an idea. She stood up and began running toward the train station, not looking back. As she bought a ticket, she didn't know where, until she saw what it had printed on it. "New York City"!!!!!! That's a LOOONG way from Talahassee......but oh well..." She got on the train and sat down.
As she got further away from Talahassee, she felt a strange feeling. Alone in a train cart, so far from the only place she ever called home...... it was like seperating the right to party from her mother. It wasn't anything she had ever felt before. She saw a sign, "Leaving Talahassee". As she waved a little bit, she knew she would never come back.....As the train took her farther away, she began to feel tired. "Today is the first chapter of my new life. The old one got banned from libraries..." She closed her eyes, and for once, she smiled in her sleep.
Posted 23 August 2011 - 02:21 PM
Posted 23 August 2011 - 05:05 PM
Hmm, it's okay, you didn't make any grammar errors (A few, maybe, but not too noticeable), and the beginning wasn't too bad, although I think your character is just a little bit too much of a Cinderellaish sue, as in the fact that you basically made her life completely 100% miserable. If you avoid having her still be super cheerful and happy despite having been miserable, then she won't be a sue.
Haha thanks dont worry there will be NOTHING cheerful about this story...
Posted 06 October 2011 - 07:37 PM