After I got out of jail for harassing the Three Little Pigs, I rented a condo in
NYC. People say that New York is where dreams come true, but that’s a lie.
My dream was bacon and I still had none!
Anyway, one day I was in my condo, busily writing an apology letter to the
three little pigs, when my landlord walked in. He told me that since I could
not afford the rent, I was not going to be able to stay there any more. So, I
spent a few days out on the streets, until I had decided to travel to the
woods, where most wolves live. But, when I got there, I found a quaint little
house, (with a flatscreen TV!) that didn’t seem to be inhabited, so I moved
right in! Little did I know that this EPIC house belonged to Little Red Riding
Hood’s grandmother, who was currently vacationing in Hawaii.
Just as I started to get comfortable, I realized that I was practically
starving. So I set out to get some food. As a wolf, my instincts told me to
look for a supermarket, (usually Key Food) but obviously, there were no
supermarkets, much less a Key Food, in the heart of the woods.
I said to myself, “Hmm...this is going to be tougher than I thought.”
I started to walk away from my new home, hoping to find some sort of
food. After about ten minutes, I saw a girl in a red cape, who happened to be Little Red Riding Hood. Wait! Before I continue my story, I would like to
let you know that from here on out, I will be calling Little Red Riding Hood by
her shorter, real name: Gertrude.
Now you see, I didn’t even notice the picnic basket of bacon that she was
carrying to her grandmother’s house. If my memory serves me correctly,
that lovely cape was made from a fine variety of silk. I walked over to
Gertrude to compliment her on her cape when I noticed her picnic basket for
the first time, and this is how our conversation went:
“Hello there.”
“Um, hi, what’s up?”
“Oh, nothing. What have you got in that basket?”
“ Bacon. For me and my grandmother to share.”
“ How lovely! May I join you?”
“NO!”
She hit me over the head with the basket, stuck her tongue out at me, and
skipped away.
After this disturbing experience, I needed a nap, so I took a different path
than Gertrude and headed home. I got into bed right away. Just as I was
starting to get comfy, I heard a knock on the door.
“Come in!” I shouted. To my surprise it was Gertrude!
“Hi, Grandma!” Gertrude greeted me.
I was wondering why Gertrude called me her grandmother when I realized
with astonishment that this must be Gertrude’s grandmother’s house, and
Gertrude thought I was her Grandma. OK, I was wearing her grandmother’s
pajamas, but it was a bit chilly in there, so I borrowed them. This was
my chance to get some bacon, so I just played along.
“Why, what big teeth you have, Grandma!” Said Gertrude.
“ I’ve been meaning to get braces.” I replied truthfully.
“Why, what big ears you have, Grandma!”
“I’m sensitive about them, don’t talk about it.” I answered.
Gertrude stared at me for a second and them shouted,
“You’re not my Grandma! You’re that weird wolf!”
Of course, she called the cops and I was sent to jail for impersonation. But
the good part is, at least they give you food in jail, and sometimes even
bacon!
NYC. People say that New York is where dreams come true, but that’s a lie.
My dream was bacon and I still had none!
Anyway, one day I was in my condo, busily writing an apology letter to the
three little pigs, when my landlord walked in. He told me that since I could
not afford the rent, I was not going to be able to stay there any more. So, I
spent a few days out on the streets, until I had decided to travel to the
woods, where most wolves live. But, when I got there, I found a quaint little
house, (with a flatscreen TV!) that didn’t seem to be inhabited, so I moved
right in! Little did I know that this EPIC house belonged to Little Red Riding
Hood’s grandmother, who was currently vacationing in Hawaii.
Just as I started to get comfortable, I realized that I was practically
starving. So I set out to get some food. As a wolf, my instincts told me to
look for a supermarket, (usually Key Food) but obviously, there were no
supermarkets, much less a Key Food, in the heart of the woods.
I said to myself, “Hmm...this is going to be tougher than I thought.”
I started to walk away from my new home, hoping to find some sort of
food. After about ten minutes, I saw a girl in a red cape, who happened to be Little Red Riding Hood. Wait! Before I continue my story, I would like to
let you know that from here on out, I will be calling Little Red Riding Hood by
her shorter, real name: Gertrude.
Now you see, I didn’t even notice the picnic basket of bacon that she was
carrying to her grandmother’s house. If my memory serves me correctly,
that lovely cape was made from a fine variety of silk. I walked over to
Gertrude to compliment her on her cape when I noticed her picnic basket for
the first time, and this is how our conversation went:
“Hello there.”
“Um, hi, what’s up?”
“Oh, nothing. What have you got in that basket?”
“ Bacon. For me and my grandmother to share.”
“ How lovely! May I join you?”
“NO!”
She hit me over the head with the basket, stuck her tongue out at me, and
skipped away.
After this disturbing experience, I needed a nap, so I took a different path
than Gertrude and headed home. I got into bed right away. Just as I was
starting to get comfy, I heard a knock on the door.
“Come in!” I shouted. To my surprise it was Gertrude!
“Hi, Grandma!” Gertrude greeted me.
I was wondering why Gertrude called me her grandmother when I realized
with astonishment that this must be Gertrude’s grandmother’s house, and
Gertrude thought I was her Grandma. OK, I was wearing her grandmother’s
pajamas, but it was a bit chilly in there, so I borrowed them. This was
my chance to get some bacon, so I just played along.
“Why, what big teeth you have, Grandma!” Said Gertrude.
“ I’ve been meaning to get braces.” I replied truthfully.
“Why, what big ears you have, Grandma!”
“I’m sensitive about them, don’t talk about it.” I answered.
Gertrude stared at me for a second and them shouted,
“You’re not my Grandma! You’re that weird wolf!”
Of course, she called the cops and I was sent to jail for impersonation. But
the good part is, at least they give you food in jail, and sometimes even
bacon!
