I just need to shout this out and if you don't have an open mind then I don't want to hear your crap okay
Luckily most of TT seems to have an open mind though, it's a bit long but it's interesting I guess and I think I need help or advice or something
When people ask what my personality is, I've never been able to answer that. Now I am terrible at phrasing things but I am going to try my best. Some of it may sound very literal, I think is the word, because that's how I can figure out how to word it. There are several different identities I have in my mind. Some are simply based on moods and personalities, but others are much stronger and controlling of how my voice sounds, how I dress, and the actions I do. It's always served a problem but now I've finally realized it because of what recently happened.
So you probably know that I'm gay. But a month ago I started a relationship and I had a boyfriend. Everything felt so right. I knew that I identified as gay but it was like he was kinda an exception. I wasn't even checking out girls. It was like that didn't apply to the next few days. I also seemed to be acting more feminine, paying attention to how I looked. I hadn't had a personality like that since early high school. But then one day I woke up, and it was like I had switched over. I wanted to wear baggy clothes and t-shirts and the thought of makeup disgusted me. I barely bothered to brush my hair 'cause I liked my bedhair, it made me look...tough. My voice has always changed by what I felt was my mood, and my voice was really deep. I even flexed my muscles (which I actually have) sometimes, because it made me feel...masculine. Strangest of all, I chose to sing tenor (male range) in the school choir instead of soprano. I knew I was in a girl's body but how I looked didn't matter. I didn't care. I just felt...like a dude. And the fact that I had a boyfriend made me super uncomfortable. So I broke up with him yesterday, because I was sick of just pretending I still liked him romantically.
He luckily took it well, but if it was someone else, then my "switch" could've broken someone's heart. I somehow switched into the feminine, giddy, girly personality which I hadn't had in years, and because of that switch, I got myself into a situation that got even more complicated once I switched into my "butch" persona. It seems like there are three tiers of these personas: identity, which controls my actions and lifestyle and doesn't switch very often; personality, which is if I'm a prankster person or a shy person or being rude to someone just to feel stronger and much more; and mood, which can change more than once a day and is basically if I'm happy or sad or what. It seems that some of these will only match up with certain others, like having a shy personality seems to be linked to a feminine identity because my voice tends to go up and I wear more "girly" clothes. Depending on the matchup, it seems my sexual orientation is usually gay even in a feminine identity, but very rarely in that identity I'll be romantically attracted to a dude. And there are literally so many different identities I have that I don't know how to keep track of "who's who", because I often forget things I may have said or felt once I swap. Plus, I have no idea when I'll swap and what tier I'll swap on. It could be days, it could be years.
I was denying this idea for so long because it makes me sound, well...insane. Crazy. And I don't want to be that person. But now that I just thought about it, I realized so much more. Things are starting to make sense. But I don't know the same for it. Bipolar? Split Personality? Multiple Personality? Dissociative?
I am many different people, but I still go by one name. One face. One body.
With hundreds of others inside.