My aunt is dying and i'm asked to go see her even though i don't

[beautifulman]

my father just called me long distance to let me know that my aunt is dying, at best she has 2 more days to live and my father is demanding that i immediately return to see her one last time, i flatly refused. so he called all my other cousins and relatives to yell at me over the phone and demanding that i come back this instant, but again i refused and did not tell them THE REASON WHY i won't go see her one last time.

so now i'm going to tell you all why i won't see her and I WANT YOU TO TELL ME if my refusal to go see her is in any way justified or not, and if not, then tell me i'm being irrational and selfish and stupid and then maybe i will go see her but only if everyone here thinks i don't have a legitimate reason not to go.

-my aunt have always treated me like i was her son, growing up she's always been good to me.

-all of this changed when i was 19 years old, when she suggested to my father that we ought to move overseas, saying that it'd be good for me.

-thanks to her, my father really did indeed moved overseas, i left my hometown and moved to another country, in the years that follow i've lost every single one of my childhood friends, i will never in the life of me see them ever again!

-because there was no internet and no ICQ back in 1994, i lost contact with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY FRIENDS!

EVERYTHING I KNOW AND EVERYONE THAT I'VE EVER LOVED, MY CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART WHOM I SWORE I WAS GOING TO MARRY HER ONE DAY, IS NOW MARRIED TO ANOTHER MAN, AND SHE CRIED WHEN I RETURNED TO MY HOMETOWN TO SEE HER AND HER MOM! DAY LATER SHE CAME AND ASKED IN TEARS WHY'D I LEFT AND WHY I HAD TO COME BACK NOW AND THAT "YOU"RE TOO LATE!" I WAS HEARTBROKEN! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MY AUNT! EVEN MY CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART'S MOM THOUGHT WHAT AUNT DID WAS WRONG AND ASKED WHY PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY ARE SUCH HORRIBLE PEOPLE!

-MY ENTIRE LIVELIHOOD, GONE! SHE TOOK IT ALL AWAY FROM ME! she took all that away from me because she told my father to move with me overseas! i hadn't done anything wrong! i wasn't a delinquent, i went to classes everyday and was a good student and i even went to church for god's sake! i did not commit any crimes, i wasn't a troublemaker at home, so why? why did she sent me away? do you want to know why she did it? because i know why she did it and i'll tell you right here and now the very reason why.

-THE REASON why my aunt told my father to move overseas with me, was because her daughter was going to get married. so after we got on the plane and moved overseas and settled down a year later, she called my father via long distance and asks if her daughter could live in our now vacant home so that the couple could save up some money, my father of course agrees since he is her brother.

-so in other words, my aunt told my father how great it would be to move and live overseas, then when we finally did move overseas, she took over our apartment for her precious daughter and her pig faced husband so that she could save up money, and buy a nicer apartment for themselves in 2005, all of this only came at the expense of me having to move away from my hometown and losing all of my childhood friends and even the person i've love and whom has been together with me since kindergarden

- when my father had told me about this years ago, at the time i took a whole week off and flew back to confront her face to face, my uncle (her husband) refused to let me in just sneered at me the entire time and accused me of being crazy, when my aunt finally came out she tried to puts on the "good aunt" masquerade and tried to feign innocence and pretending that she had already forgotten EVERYTHING already. her husband sneered at me some more and her daughter came to the door to see what was happening, but as soon as she saw me she frightfully turned around and went back in. my uncle threatened to call the police if i don't leave, and so i did.

- i haven't seen or talk to her for the past 10 years since that day, and now my father says she is dying and asks me to go see her right now, but i don't want to go see her, and nobody else in the family knew about this incident in the past so now all my relatives think i'm being evil and cruel for not going to see my aunt, because according to them "she was like my mother and she was always so good to me"

-here's a question for you: do you think i have every right to not go see my dying aunt after what she's done to me? DO YOU THINK i am a bad and evil person because i refuse to see the person who destroyed my entire life and took away everything that i loved, including my childhood sweetheart whom we swore we would marry each other back in 1994? she took all of that away from me when she suggested to my father to move away and live overseas with me, she then goes and steals our apartment for her daughter to live in so that she could save up some money to buy a new apartment for herself. Even after all of this, i am EXPECTED and being DEMANDED to go see her on her deathbed and feel sorry for her, after everything that she has done to wreck everything i loved for the rest of my life? just because i don't want to go, does that make me the EVIL and BAD person?

-i will never for as long as i breathe, forgive her even if she were to apologize to me on her deathbed! it's too late for apologies now! what is done is done! i can tell you for sure that she WILL NOT apologize to me even if i were to go and see her now, her whole family is there now and they will surly chastise me if i say anything bad about what she did, so i see no reason to go see someone i hate so much and whom stole and took everything away from me for her own selfish sake! but if you think it's wrong of me not to go see her then just tell me and i will think about going alright?

THANK YOU

 

[guruofguru64]

Does it feel better getting off your chest?

I'm not the kind who would go into it, but I can say I've had a similar experience, and totally get what you're going through. (although in my case it didn't go that far)

Whether or not you want to go should be your choice, and yours only. Perhaps you should illustrate to your family why you don't want to go. I'm not going to tell you what to say, but IMO "It's too much for me to handle" seems to be a very neutral catch-all.

If I were you, and I'm not, I'd go if it was not beyond my means (i.e. not in another country) just to be respectful. But that's me. Again, has to be your choice.

Although, as you've stated, going seems like a bad idea.

Chastise you? That does not sound like a family I'd want to be part of.

You're not evil, cruel, or selfish for not wanting to go.

Take my advice: Break away from your toxic ties. You'll find your quality of life spike.

But again, for the last time, your choice. Not mine, or anyone else.

Hope I could help.

 

[beautifulman]

Perhaps you should illustrate to your family why you don't want to g

You're not evil, cruel, or selfish for not wanting to go.

thank you, i wanted to hear this from someone, i feel abit lighter now.

and i did talked to another relative of mine about what happened in the past, and she told me that my aunt did what she did because she was "stupid and selfish" and told me to forgive her because "she didn't know any better", but hearing about this only makes me hate her even more, and for a brief moment, i even wished she'd get better soon so i can force her to admit she was wrong infront of everyone. it seems that even now, to this very day, this woman continues to wright misery upon my better conscience even with her last dying breaths. i wish i was never born into this family and that she was never nice to me when i was a child.

in any case, i'll wait until tomorrow to see if i feel like going at all, if not then well, i guess that will be it.

 

[Fae Kizunatchi]

Does it feel better getting off your chest?

I'm not the kind who would go into it, but I can say I've had a similar experience, and totally get what you're going through. (although in my case it didn't go that far)

Whether or not you want to go should be your choice, and yours only. Perhaps you should illustrate to your family why you don't want to go. I'm not going to tell you what to say, but IMO "It's too much for me to handle" seems to be a very neutral catch-all.

If I were you, and I'm not, I'd go if it was not beyond my means (i.e. not in another country) just to be respectful. But that's me. Again, has to be your choice.

Although, as you've stated, going seems like a bad idea.

Chastise you? That does not sound like a family I'd want to be part of.

You're not evil, cruel, or selfish for not wanting to go.

Take my advice: Break away from your toxic ties. You'll find your quality of life spike.

But again, for the last time, your choice. Not mine, or anyone else.

Hope I could help.

Ah, there is a reason you and I have a connection beyond the words exchanged on this forum. You understand, I know it.

Different circumstances but I have also lived with the pain, abandonment, shame and destruction caused by a couple of master manipulators in my family. They caused me to lose everything for different reasons, and (I am battling a severe head cold right now so I don't have the energy to type this all out or tell my life story here)-but I will just say I understand.

Now I'm not going to armchair diagnose your aunt, but there is a lot of help in learning about narcissist mothers and family members, people on the personality disorder spectrum...they can be very dangerous in their games. I'm not saying she is a full blown narc, but the family patterns of narc-scapegoat-golden child-black sheep will help you figure this all out.

It doesn't matter what labels we use, or if she is one or isn't one... What will help is gaining awareness of the patterns so you have a fighting chance. They can weave the whole family against you if you aren't careful.

Playing the nice figure, discarding you for selfish gain and then gas lighting (look this up) you by creating the idea in others you are "crazy" is all their typical patterns and cruelty.

It is not an innocent mistake and what really hurts is when you unravel the lies and discover how much planning must have gone into encouraging your father this move was in your benefit...waiting a year to avoid suspicion and then moving into the house...

If you still doubt yourself, you only have to look at their reaction to your confrontation. Threatening to call the police and treating you like a crazy person are not the actions of loving family that would want to reassure you. A loving family would be hurt, possibly angry or indignant-but they would calm down and explain to you they really thought the move would help you. They would also have declared their intention to move into the house...instead of sneaking into it once you were safely across the sea. They would be concerned for your happiness and if you wanted to return home-leave that door there for you-the original and rightful occupant of that home!

Leaving you in a limbo that they benefited from is not love, and you deserve better! You anger is valid. You are not crazy and what you experienced was trauma at the hands of a manipulative person.

I suggest you set strong boundaries with your family, avoid being a doormat and do not force yourself to endure guilt trips and emotional manipulation. Most of all STAY STRONG!

If you feel it would help, I would also suggest a councilor-not because you are crazy, but to deal with the trauma of being treated as a crazy person and all the loss you suffered.

*Lots of care and hugs if you want them Tomodatchi!*

 

[Tech Admin]

Let's move this to a suitable space for this type of discussion...

*Topic moved to '(Non)TamaTalk: Seriously (Non)TamaTalk'*

 

[KittyBlondie]

Ah, there is a reason you and I have a connection beyond the words exchanged on this forum. You understand, I know it.

Different circumstances but I have also lived with the pain, abandonment, shame and destruction caused by a couple of master manipulators in my family. They caused me to lose everything for different reasons, and (I am battling a severe head cold right now so I don't have the energy to type this all out or tell my life story here)-but I will just say I understand.

Now I'm not going to armchair diagnose your aunt, but there is a lot of help in learning about narcissist mothers and family members, people on the personality disorder spectrum...they can be very dangerous in their games. I'm not saying she is a full blown narc, but the family patterns of narc-scapegoat-golden child-black sheep will help you figure this all out.

It doesn't matter what labels we use, or if she is one or isn't one... What will help is gaining awareness of the patterns so you have a fighting chance. They can weave the whole family against you if you aren't careful.

Playing the nice figure, discarding you for selfish gain and then gas lighting (look this up) you by creating the idea in others you are "crazy" is all their typical patterns and cruelty.

It is not an innocent mistake and what really hurts is when you unravel the lies and discover how much planning must have gone into encouraging your father this move was in your benefit...waiting a year to avoid suspicion and then moving into the house...

If you still doubt yourself, you only have to look at their reaction to your confrontation. Threatening to call the police and treating you like a crazy person are not the actions of loving family that would want to reassure you. A loving family would be hurt, possibly angry or indignant-but they would calm down and explain to you they really thought the move would help you. They would also have declared their intention to move into the house...instead of sneaking into it once you were safely across the sea. They would be concerned for your happiness and if you wanted to return home-leave that door there for you-the original and rightful occupant of that home!

Leaving you in a limbo that they benefited from is not love, and you deserve better! You anger is valid. You are not crazy and what you experienced was trauma at the hands of a manipulative person.

I suggest you set strong boundaries with your family, avoid being a doormat and do not force yourself to endure guilt trips and emotional manipulation. Most of all STAY STRONG!

If you feel it would help, I would also suggest a councilor-not because you are crazy, but to deal with the trauma of being treated as a crazy person and all the loss you suffered.

*Lots of care and hugs if you want them Tomodatchi!*

i sympathize with this

there are alot of people that will treat you nice but will try and use you, families sadly are not an exception to this rule.

My dad's best friend had a similar experience where his daughter talked him into buying a new house that he would have ALOT of trouble affording and almost immediately after he moved out and into his new house she asked if she could move into his old house. It's a very manipulative way to get a free house (even if its temporarily) and the way they reacted to being confronted made it a hundred times worse, i'm pretty sure it wouldn't have been nearly as bad if they just admitted to it and apologized.

Even though popping in to say hi would be nice so that you can atleast tie up loose ends (because most people aren't lucky enough to have the chance to) and not feel guilty later on about holding the grudge, it's completely understandable to not feel comfortable with someone so willing walk all over you just so their daughter doesn't have to be embarrassed by living with their mother while being newlyweds (even though its actually quite common)

 

[Rosaria]

You're not really required to do anything if you don't want to. It's expected that your family would try and guilt trip you into visiting her, but it's ultimately your decision. You have your reasons for not wanting to see her, and they seem to be justified.

 

[DaniTamastar]

At the end of the day it is YOUR decision on whether to go or not.

Do what you think is right. If your aunt did discard you to save money then I would personally not waste my time and money to go overseas.

It really must be hard if your family is shouting at you for not visiting your aunt and you probably feel like your whole family is against you but if you think you shouldn't bother going then don't.

 

[TamaMum]

Whether you choose to go or not is your own choice, not your family's choice (although I would take care not to hold "hate" in my heart against someone - no matter what, it's just not good for your own peace of mind).

However, it would probably be a good idea to give a clear, simple and honest explanation as to why.

It may help your family understand why you feel no sense of duty or respect towards your aunt.

If she is as manipulative as you describe, perhaps others in the family feel they also suffered and also kept quiet about it.

I'm not sure if you will want to hear this but your explanation for your hate towards her does appear to be completely about you.

Is it (even remotely) possible that she genuinely believed that you would have a better future if you moved away with your father or do you really believe that she persuaded your father to move away just so that she could ruin your future with your childhood sweetheart? (Childhood sweethearts are generally just that. Your first love - pure, perfect and good, but rarely your last and only opportunity for love; except perhaps in Hollywood).

For what it's worth, I'm not trying to put you down here, just trying to introduce a little rational perspective.

 

[Fae Kizunatchi]

Whether you choose to go or not is your own choice, not your family's choice (although I would take care not to hold "hate" in my heart against someone - no matter what, it's just not good for your own peace of mind).

However, it would probably be a good idea to give a clear, simple and honest explanation as to why.

It may help your family understand why you feel no sense of duty or respect towards your aunt.

If she is as manipulative as you describe, perhaps others in the family feel they also suffered and also kept quiet about it.

I'm not sure if you will want to hear this but your explanation for your hate towards her does appear to be completely about you.

Is it (even remotely) possible that she genuinely believed that you would have a better future if you moved away with your father or do you really believe that she persuaded your father to move away just so that she could ruin your future with your childhood sweetheart? (Childhood sweethearts are generally just that. Your first love - pure, perfect and good, but rarely your last and only opportunity for love; except perhaps in Hollywood).

For what it's worth, I'm not trying to put you down here, just trying to introduce a little rational perspective.

TamaMum, that is exactly how I felt reading the first half of his post.

I felt like the man was upset and unhappy with his life - but his aunt wasn't to blame. She made an error in judgement, but how was she to know it would turn out so disastrously? At first I felt sorry for the aunt, and that the OP needed some balanced perspective.

As an aunty myself I even felt a little hurt and sad - it seemed like a lot of judgement to heap upon someone who may really care about you and just made a mistake. I've done things that I thought were in the best interest of someone and it turned out to be wrong. That was the conclusion I was leaning towards reading the first half of the post.

But the thing that really clicked with me as distinguishing this from a normal person making a mistake and someone manipulating--was the lack of empathy or attempt to rectify the situation after the mistake was made.

The fact they rang the police on him, denied what happened and treated a distressed young man like a crazy person. The fact that there was the intention to move her own daughter into the house - but these cards weren't put on the table in the spirit of honesty. It was something that happened after they were separated by an ocean and a bit of time.

All of those things change the situation from self-centered young person getting lost in their own depression and making irrational interpretations/someone that doesn't have a good perspective on the situation to someone who was indeed a victim of manipulation.

It's really hard to think people are capable of these things, and in some ways it seems outlandish that a family member would do this. Sadly to these kind of people even family aren't off-limits.

A genuine person tries to undo their mistakes, apologize, shows empathy and understanding. Someone like this who says "you're crazy" and rings the police lives in a land of denial. They care more about covering up what they did than making amends. I also strongly believe the older, more mature person in a situation has more responsibility to make things right.

It's so upsetting when you see such weight placed on a teen or twenty-something to be the compassionate, mature party when having issues with someone a decade or more older than themselves.

I think it's really important to validate the victims of these circumstances and listen to them as rational, upset human beings. If we add to the pile of people implying they are being overly sensitive or irrational we are just pushing them further away from being independent and gaining their self-confidence back.

It's really important that beautifulman knows he is not crazy, he is not selfish, he is validated and supported.

 

[Hanikamitchi]

OMG...I am so sorry... Just know that there are so many people here that support you and want to help you as much as I do. You are always welcome here. I am sure that you are not the only one who has had this experience.

 

[Pauly]

Honestly, if I hated someone, I wouldn't want that someone to come to my funeral.