A poem by me!

check out my poem and tell me what you think!!

;;and its not very long either!

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You broke my heart and im on my knees,

watch me bleed would you listen please!?!

I loved you, there's no doubt

without you, IM LEFT OUT!

I gave you my heart,

you tore it apart, you didnt care

ITS NOT EVEN FAIR!

There's nothing left of me,

you took all there is..you basically killed me!

Im useless with no faith- but im gonna except my fait,

to bad i saw you with that other girl- on a date.

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im open to suggestions for improvement!!

i should also add that i wrote this in under 10 minutes!!

check out my poem and tell me what you think!!
;;and its not very long either!

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You broke my heart and im on my knees,

watch me bleed would you listen please!?!

I loved you, there's no doubt

without you, IM LEFT OUT!

I gave you my heart,

you tore it apart, you didnt care

ITS NOT EVEN FAIR!

There's nothing left of me,

you took all there is..you basically killed me!

Im useless with no faith- but im gonna except my fait,

to bad i saw you with that other girl- on a date.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

im open to suggestions for improvement!!

Click to expand...

Thats a good one honestly.your good at writing poems?how old are you? i am 10 almost 11 tommorow i will be!!!

It was pretty good, but like I said to mimichi7 watch your choice of rhyming words because if you pick the "wrong" ones they take away from the whole "feel" of the poem. I write a lot of poems myself and please take my advice because if you do you can really improve your poem and make it really great!

Thnx guys for your opinions!! i know i can improve!!

I'm so glad we could be of help!

Post another of your poems new and improved. I'd love to read it!

Okay! i have lots of poems but i think i lost them! but heres one i kinda remember:

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Its summer time-oh what its bringing!

Its hot outside--- with birds singing!

My birthday YAH!!

with cake flinging! Its SUMMER TIME C'MON ENJOY IT!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

and thats all i remember. since its raining outside i'll try to make up a poem for that or something about spring!

-but like i said thats all i remember about it and i even think i got some of the words mixed up!!

It was pretty good, but like I said to mimichi7 watch your choice of rhyming words because if you pick the "wrong" ones they take away from the whole "feel" of the poem. I write a lot of poems myself and please take my advice because if you do you can really improve your poem and make it really great!

Click to expand...

o.o You took the words right out of my mouth. *jaws hangs open* XD

You should be careful when choosing ryming words. I've had some bad expierence with that. For example, in one of my poems a while back I wrote, "I can remember your face. It's so easy, like tying a shoe lace." This is not good word choosing. 'Lace' isn't the right ryming word to pick.

Sometimes 'wrong' words take the feel away from a poem, like GotchiGirl said.

Love, Tgd

ahh...okay! thnx for the advice!!

-----------------------------------------------

i sleep during the day,

i wake up at nite,

dont get on my nerves,

cause im gonna fight!

im gonna kick you in the face

if you bother me

so leave me alone!

IM GRUMPY CANT YOU SEE!?!

STOP PLAYING AROUND I HATE YOU, I DO!

please leave me alone or i'll get rid of you!!

--------------------------------------------------------

-Here's one i wrote under 5minutes!! ^_^

check out my poem and tell me what you think!!
;;and its not very long either!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You broke my heart and im on my knees,

watch me bleed would you listen please!?!

I loved you, there's no doubt

without you, IM LEFT OUT!

I gave you my heart,

you tore it apart, you didnt care

ITS NOT EVEN FAIR!

There's nothing left of me, ---------------------

you took all there is..you basically killed me!-----------------------

Im useless with no faith- but im gonna except my fait,

to bad i saw you with that other girl- on a date.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

im open to suggestions for improvement!! ^_^ :mimitchi:

Click to expand...

The two lines that have ------------------ beside them in your second stanza, don't rhyme.

By the look of your poem you are making them rhyme.

Otherwise, it is VERY well-written, I love writing poetry, and I sometimes write it to express my feelings. Anyways, back to YOUR poem. As I said. it's very well-written,

you should leave out the capitals.

Poetry is supposed to be laid back writting, by using capitals, it means you are yelling at the person you are talking about.

The second line in your second stanza;

"you took a THAT there is.....you basically killed me!"

The bold THAT should be added in, just not in capitals.

You took all there is, or, you took all that there is.

Take out the, "you basically killed me!", if you are going to have that line, itis a totally diferent topic than "you took all that there is", "you basically killed me!" SHOULD be a sentance all on it's own.

You broke my heart and im on my knees,

watch me bleed would you listen please!?!

I loved you, there's no doubt

without you, IM LEFT OUT!

I gave you my heart,

you tore it apart, you didnt care

ITS NOT EVEN FAIR!

There's nothing left of me,

you took all that there is.....

You basically killed me!

Im useless with no faith- but im gonna except my fait,

to bad i saw you with that other girl- on a date.

I changed your poem to show what it would be like if you added in the advice changes that I gave you.

Hope that you enjoy! xD

-----------------------------------------------i sleep during the day,

i wake up at nite,

dont get on my nerves,

cause im gonna fight!

im gonna kick you in the face

if you bother me

so leave me alone!

IM GRUMPY CANT YOU SEE!?!

STOP PLAYING AROUND I HATE YOU, I DO!

please leave me alone or i'll get rid of you!!

--------------------------------------------------------

-Here's one i wrote under 5minutes!! ^_^

Click to expand...

very good, use some of the advice I gave you in my other "story"

Okay! i have lots of poems but i think i lost them! but heres one i kinda remember:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Its summer time-oh what its bringing!

Its hot outside--- with birds singing!

My birthday YAH!!

with cake flinging! Its SUMMER TIME C'MON ENJOY IT!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

and thats all i remember. since its raining outside i'll try to make up a poem for that or something about spring! ^_^

-but like i said thats all i remember about it and i even think i got some of the words mixed up!!

Click to expand...

That's a nice one You seem to have a talent, I'm sure you worked pretty hard on those poems.

A talent at righting poems, hmmmm, I likey likey.

I write poetry for fun and to express my feelings.

Rhyming poems like tia_tama's are like almost a no brainer,

they take not much thinking, just like she said she did it in 5 minutes.

you just have to choose a topic, and think of rhyming words that relate to the topic.

Really almost ANYBODY could do it.!!!

Try it sometime, unless your dumb.

C'mon everybody, let's have some FUN!!! ^_^

Lol I wrote a couplet peom right off the top of my mind.

thnx mimichi7!! and everyone else!