Should I continue this story?

Could I give you some suggestions? First of all, it all started a bit too soon for me. One second this girl's just lying around drinking Coke, the next she meets another girl who turns into a bat? Um...kind of rushed, for me at least. What does this girl look like? What's her story? I usually write the beginnings of my stories like this: something exciting happens without you really knowing what's going on, then things are explained, sometimes briefly and sometimes not, depending on the story. Then the action continues. Later on in the late beginning to middle of the story, some more is explained about the main character. Your story just didn't seem to flow quite right for me. It also needs more description. Word choice is important too. Instead of always saying "she said" "he said" she said" etc. etc., make things more interesting. For example, this is how some of your dialogue went:
"Wait," said Imogan, "Is that you're real name or just a nickname?"

"Real, my mom's really gothic," said Dusk, "I heard you go to Kinglia Elementary so I thought I might well make a friend before I went there, want to go to that Fair place down the road?"

"....Sure...." said Imogan, just to be nice.

The "saids" are getting overused. Try something like this instead:

"Wait," said Imogan, "Is that you're real name or just a nickname?"

"Real, my mom's really gothic," replied Dusk. "I heard you go to Kinglia Elementary so I thought I might well make a friend before I went there, want to go to that Fair place down the road?"

"....Sure...." muttered Imogan unenthusiastically, just to be nice.

See what I did? It's important to use synonymns (sp?) and describe how the character did something.

I think you should continue it. With proper revision, this could be a great story.

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Agreed. No one likes a story that goes to fast, and doesn't have enough synonyms in there.
The idea's great, but if you want to be a little more descriptive try like "Dusk's shady dark hair was like a pitch black summer's night". Using comparasons is great for describing, I forget what they're called exactly but I will edit this when I remember.

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Well I stopped writing this book because I thought it was a bit cheesy, I only wrote a bit, here it is:

Chapter one

Imogen groaned. As usual, her teacher Mrs Ford was droning on about something she didn't need to know.

"Imogen, what did I just say?" Mrs Ford asked Imogen.

Imogen had absolutely no idea what the teacher had just said, "The teachers are going on strike?" asked Imogen hopefully.

Mrs Ford glared at Imogen, "No," she snapped, "I said there's going to be a new girl arriving from Transylvania in about an hour, OK? Now just listen Imogen!" She rolled her eyes then started explaining all the 'Make her feel welcome' stuff. Imogen groaned again and half listened.

"Transylvania? Maybe she's a vampire," said Imogen's sort-of-friend Jenna.

"Just because she's Transylvanian doesn't mean she's a vampire," Imogen snapped.

"Imogen! Stay in at break!" Mrs Ford yelled at Imogen. It was nothing new really, Mrs Ford hardly let people breath in class.

The new girl arrived after break, every one in the class stared. She was quite tall, very pale with really long black hair and black kohl round her eyes but it was her clothes that were really weird, she had on a black ripped top with a skull on it, rip jeans and gothic boots. A huge change from the boring old blue and grey school uniform.

"Every one, this is Dusk," said Mrs Ford, saying 'Dusk' like it was some horrid swear word, "She just got here, now be nice to her and no racist comments." She turned to Dusk, "So where would you like to sit then?" she asked.

Dusk looked around, "I'll sit here," she said, sitting on the chair next to Imogen. Imogen was surprised, she wanted an interesting foreign friend but she never expected to actually get one.

"Hi," said Dusk, "So what's your name then?"

"Imogen, but just call me Immy," said Imogen.

Mrs Ford frowned, but didn't say anything.

"So what sort of stuff do we do in this place?" Dusk whispered to Imogen.

"Don't know, just basic school stuff, geography, maths and everything," said Imogen.

"YOU TWO!!!" Mrs Ford screamed at the girls, "This is a very bad start Dusk! One more word and you're both staying in at lunch!!"

Imogen rolled her eyes and started doing the work, copying off Lucy, the class geek in front of her. After about a billion years the bell went and everyone ran out.

"Immy, can I speak to you a minute?" Jenna asked.

"Ok, just a minute Dusk," said Imogen, she went to the other end of the cloakroom with Jenna.

"Are we going to have to hang around with this girl? She's all emo and I can't understand her voice, not being racist or anything. I just don't like her," said Jenna quietly.

"I think she looks really cool and I like her voice, and she needs friends, doesn't she? You wouldn't like moving to another country and having to speak another langauge and all," said Imogen.

"Fine, hang with her if you want, I'll just hang with Lucy," said Jenna, she walked over to Lucy who no one wanted to be friends with.

"I'll show Dusk around," Imogen muttered, she went back to Dusk.

"What was that all about?" Dusk asked.

"Oh god knows," said Imogen, "Come on, let's get lunch."

EDIT: The story was completely changed, tamtamkitty07 said it went along too fast, so it's going along e-v-e-r s-o s-l-o-w-l-y. Just to ruin a bit for you, this Dusk turns out to be dangorous and she changes Imogens life...in a bad way

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It's really great!!!!!
Just that maybe if Imogen is going to be the main character, she should maybe not like Dusk's voice and clothes. Otherwise, I think it's really, REALLY, REALLY good so far!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best Wishes,

barky

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Similies?
Similies and metaphors are a great way to express a story, :

If a sentence has alike or as in it is is more likely to be a smiliey.

Its rainaing cats and dogs:

A metaphor, desribing something that isnt really happeneing.

Thoink about your story, you haveplently of time.

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Arrg, I hate writers block. Anyways be sure to post more, I'll be back for more critisizm. Mwahaha/

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Yeah it's so annoying.
And also I'm too lazy to look at those synomons or similies lol but no one likes a book with too much either

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Well I've done 2 words of chapter two on MSword so far
It was

After about two hundred years chapter two will be ready to bore you all to death...not that any of you are going to live that long lol

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