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Reach for the Sky


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cutie_pop

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Posted 05 February 2010 - 08:53 PM ( #1 )

Hi, I based this story on one that I began writing in the Library section on tamatalk a few years ago and it isn't the fully polished version but I'd like some criticism and tips on how I can improve my writing. It isn't a finished story and I'm not planning to post the whole story as I don't really have the time to finish it soon let alone in like a year so I'm just intending to post what I currently have. I'll post it in sections cos if I posted the whole entire thing, I'm sure you'd get tired of reading it. Please note that's it's kind of a 'rough' copy! ^^

My heart was thumping an irregular beat and was not at all in time with the soft thump-thumping thumping of my school sneakers as they hit the footpath. My breath came out shallow and ragged and I knew that I couldn’t keep running like this forever. I had to find somewhere to hide, but where? The footpath just stretched out endlessly. It was like seeing a bright, heavenly light at the end of a tunnel which got longer and longer as you frantically tried to run towards it. I looked back again but he was still running after me. His eyes were slits of determination. He ran after me as if he were the lion and I was the innocent rabbit. The prey. The rows and rows of houses looked the same. White fences, neatly cut lawns of dark green grass, windows that looked as if they’d been polished too hard. It made me sick. I rounded the end of the street and quickly ducked behind someone’s houses’ hedge. It was a ridiculous idea, I know but what else did you want me to do? My legs felt unbelievable sore and my breath was coming out all raspy. As I focused on controlling my breathing, I looked through the hedge to see if he was still after me but the street was quiet. Scarily quiet. “You looking for me?”. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. The voice was disturbingly close. I slowly turned around and there he was. His eyes looked straight into mine, menacingly. He was panting slightly and I could smell the disgusting smell of stale cigarettes…..and danger. I screamed and my scream echoed across the street. All was quiet. Nobody was there to help me, to rescue me. Nobody was there for me, the way it always had been since The Incident. “No more Mr. Nice Guy.” he whispered. He picked me up by the scruff of my school blazer and shoved me in a scratchy, black sac. I kicked and screamed but there was no use. I was trapped and there was nothing I could do. The man carried me under one arm like a sac of potatoes and dumped me onto a hard surface. There was a small bang as the man shut what appeared to be a door and a low, rumbling noise that sounded like an engine as the vehicle started to move. My whole body was shaking uncontrollably and I had broken into a cold sweat but I didn’t scream or try to break out of the sac or cry because I never cry. Not since The Incident happened and when the harsh, unpredictable hands of fate decided to make me it’s toy, turning my world upside down without any warning.

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Started

05 Feb 2010

Last Post

16 Mar 2010

cutie_pop

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Posted 05 February 2010 - 08:54 PM ( #2 )

My mum and I were more like best friends and didn’t have a normal mother-daughter type relationship. The fact that my dad had left us when I was two was probably why we were closer than most mothers and daughters. We did everything together, my mum and I. From window shopping to squealing when we found a great outfit in Valleygirl. We couldn’t survive without each other, my mum and I. After I came home from sleepovers, I always remember the warm wave of happiness that wash over my body as I found my mum standing in the doorway, smiling just as much as I probably was as I ran up and hugged her hard as if we had been separated for an eternity. While I comforted my mum whenever she came home bursting with tears after a break up with her boyfriend, I told her about everything. Whether it was the hilarious joke my friend had told me about or about the school assignment that I was dreadfully worried about. I was quite popular at school during that time too. Not in the same way that those stick thin, blond haired queen bees in the typical American chick flick. I always had a big group of laughing, friendly girl friends around me, the teachers gave me a special smile and wink as I bounced across the hallways. I felt wanted, I felt needed, I felt special but most of all, I felt happy.

cutie_pop

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Posted 05 February 2010 - 08:55 PM ( #3 )

It was a completely normal day. The weather was beautiful with not a cloud in sight. Just a glorious blue stretched out across the canvas-like sky. I remember whispering about an old rerun of Friends in the corner of our english room taking care not to get caught by our teacher, Miss Salevak. We were trying to stifle our laughs over something someone had said when suddenly, our Principal, walked into the room. The classroom was instantly swept with silence but you could practically hear everyone‘s questions buzzing around in their head. We all faced the front and waited with suspense for the chopping knife to drop because the principal never walks into a classroom in the middle of class. We’ve only seen her do that once and that was when the school had received news that Elisa Skish wasn’t coming to school anymore because she had passed away from leukaemia the night before. Her face was pale and her eyes were red and puffy. Her eyes swept the room and landed on me. People began to look my way and in an instant, my whole body went numb. I felt like a stunned animal caught in the headlights and a sick feeling settled in my stomach. “Skye?” the principal asked in a husky voice. “Yes, miss?” “Y-you are to go get your bag immediately.” I remember the stares that burned in the back of my head as I walked out of that classroom with shaky legs. I remember trying to hide my horrified feelings behind a curtain of hair. I never went back into that classroom again.


As I lay there curled up into the foetus position with my eyes squeezed tightly shut as if to will my whole present away, the car stopped and I heard a bang as the man shut his car door.







And that's it for now! (^^)

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Posted 06 March 2010 - 01:38 AM ( #4 )

Sorry, I know it's a lot of writing but are there any comments, criticism or tips?

Goggle-Face

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Posted 09 March 2010 - 04:48 PM ( #5 )

IT was a big wall of text. I did not want to read that, truthfully. It hurt to read.

Space out paragraphs. And when someone starts talking, new line.

Like this:

Originial:
We were trying to stifle our laughs over something someone had said when suddenly, our Principal, walked into the room. The classroom was instantly swept with silence but you could practically hear everyone‘s questions buzzing around in their head. We all faced the front and waited with suspense for the chopping knife to drop because the principal never walks into a classroom in the middle of class. We’ve only seen her do that once and that was when the school had received news that Elisa Skish wasn’t coming to school anymore because she had passed away from leukaemia the night before. Her face was pale and her eyes were red and puffy. Her eyes swept the room and landed on me. People began to look my way and in an instant, my whole body went numb. I felt like a stunned animal caught in the headlights and a sick feeling settled in my stomach. “Skye?” the principal asked in a husky voice. “Yes, miss?” “Y-you are to go get your bag immediately.” I remember the stares that burned in the back of my head as I walked out of that classroom with shaky legs. I remember trying to hide my horrified feelings behind a curtain of hair. I never went back into that classroom again.

Edited version:
We were trying to stifle our laughs over something someone had said when suddenly, our Principal, walked into the room. The classroom was instantly swept with silence but you could practically hear everyone‘s questions buzzing around in their head. We all faced the front and waited with suspense for the chopping knife to drop because the principal never walks into a classroom in the middle of class. We’ve only seen her do that once and that was when the school had received news that Elisa Skish wasn’t coming to school anymore because she had passed away from leukaemia the night before.
Her face was pale and her eyes were red and puffy. Her eyes swept the room and landed on me. People began to look my way and in an instant, my whole body went numb. I felt like a stunned animal caught in the headlights and a sick feeling settled in my stomach.
“Skye?” the principal asked in a husky voice.
“Yes, miss?” “Y-you are to go get your bag immediately.”

I remember the stares that burned in the back of my head as I walked out of that classroom with shaky legs. I remember trying to hide my horrified feelings behind a curtain of hair. I never went back into that classroom again.


warriorcat_girl

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Posted 16 March 2010 - 12:07 PM ( #6 )

Sorry, I know it's a lot of writing but are there any comments, criticism or tips?

I find it quite interesting. :( Although yes, remember to put breaks in the right places. Like every time a new person speaks (Skye and Principal), you need to make a new line.

“Skye?” the principal asked in a husky voice.
“Yes, miss?”
“Y-you are to go get your bag immediately.”

I also like how you kind of jump into the action at the beginning of the story--the reader isn't aware of how the situation began or of the history of the character (The Incident) and not everything is explained. BUT from reading it, it seems like the kind of story that will eventually unfold its history of things unknown to the reader.

I think you're off to a great start! :D