cutie_pop
Well-known member
Hi, I based this story on one that I began writing in the Library section on tamatalk a few years ago and it isn't the fully polished version but I'd like some criticism and tips on how I can improve my writing. It isn't a finished story and I'm not planning to post the whole story as I don't really have the time to finish it soon let alone in like a year so I'm just intending to post what I currently have. I'll post it in sections cos if I posted the whole entire thing, I'm sure you'd get tired of reading it. Please note that's it's kind of a 'rough' copy! ^^
My heart was thumping an irregular beat and was not at all in time with the soft thump-thumping thumping of my school sneakers as they hit the footpath. My breath came out shallow and ragged and I knew that I couldn’t keep running like this forever. I had to find somewhere to hide, but where? The footpath just stretched out endlessly. It was like seeing a bright, heavenly light at the end of a tunnel which got longer and longer as you frantically tried to run towards it. I looked back again but he was still running after me. His eyes were slits of determination. He ran after me as if he were the lion and I was the innocent rabbit. The prey. The rows and rows of houses looked the same. White fences, neatly cut lawns of dark green grass, windows that looked as if they’d been polished too hard. It made me sick. I rounded the end of the street and quickly ducked behind someone’s houses’ hedge. It was a ridiculous idea, I know but what else did you want me to do? My legs felt unbelievable sore and my breath was coming out all raspy. As I focused on controlling my breathing, I looked through the hedge to see if he was still after me but the street was quiet. Scarily quiet. “You looking for me?”. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. The voice was disturbingly close. I slowly turned around and there he was. His eyes looked straight into mine, menacingly. He was panting slightly and I could smell the disgusting smell of stale cigarettes…..and danger. I screamed and my scream echoed across the street. All was quiet. Nobody was there to help me, to rescue me. Nobody was there for me, the way it always had been since The Incident. “No more Mr. Nice Guy.” he whispered. He picked me up by the scruff of my school blazer and shoved me in a scratchy, black sac. I kicked and screamed but there was no use. I was trapped and there was nothing I could do. The man carried me under one arm like a sac of potatoes and dumped me onto a hard surface. There was a small bang as the man shut what appeared to be a door and a low, rumbling noise that sounded like an engine as the vehicle started to move. My whole body was shaking uncontrollably and I had broken into a cold sweat but I didn’t scream or try to break out of the sac or cry because I never cry. Not since The Incident happened and when the harsh, unpredictable hands of fate decided to make me it’s toy, turning my world upside down without any warning.
My heart was thumping an irregular beat and was not at all in time with the soft thump-thumping thumping of my school sneakers as they hit the footpath. My breath came out shallow and ragged and I knew that I couldn’t keep running like this forever. I had to find somewhere to hide, but where? The footpath just stretched out endlessly. It was like seeing a bright, heavenly light at the end of a tunnel which got longer and longer as you frantically tried to run towards it. I looked back again but he was still running after me. His eyes were slits of determination. He ran after me as if he were the lion and I was the innocent rabbit. The prey. The rows and rows of houses looked the same. White fences, neatly cut lawns of dark green grass, windows that looked as if they’d been polished too hard. It made me sick. I rounded the end of the street and quickly ducked behind someone’s houses’ hedge. It was a ridiculous idea, I know but what else did you want me to do? My legs felt unbelievable sore and my breath was coming out all raspy. As I focused on controlling my breathing, I looked through the hedge to see if he was still after me but the street was quiet. Scarily quiet. “You looking for me?”. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. The voice was disturbingly close. I slowly turned around and there he was. His eyes looked straight into mine, menacingly. He was panting slightly and I could smell the disgusting smell of stale cigarettes…..and danger. I screamed and my scream echoed across the street. All was quiet. Nobody was there to help me, to rescue me. Nobody was there for me, the way it always had been since The Incident. “No more Mr. Nice Guy.” he whispered. He picked me up by the scruff of my school blazer and shoved me in a scratchy, black sac. I kicked and screamed but there was no use. I was trapped and there was nothing I could do. The man carried me under one arm like a sac of potatoes and dumped me onto a hard surface. There was a small bang as the man shut what appeared to be a door and a low, rumbling noise that sounded like an engine as the vehicle started to move. My whole body was shaking uncontrollably and I had broken into a cold sweat but I didn’t scream or try to break out of the sac or cry because I never cry. Not since The Incident happened and when the harsh, unpredictable hands of fate decided to make me it’s toy, turning my world upside down without any warning.