A new story :)

[Tamakiddy!!]

Ok, who knows my characters?

Luna ( a new one ;P)

Kaia

Yazi and

Sen

Well, here's a bit about Luna: she's Kaia's best friend and stuff, and this story is based around they're friendship

Here's a bit, and there is not grammar and stuff..

Luna was outside on the back step, throwing a rock in the air. glancing over, she saw Kaia

 

"Finally!" Luna said, smiling and standing up "What took you so lon-"

 

"Sen's Dead."

 

Luna stopped, her mouth opened in shock. Sen was dead? Kaia must of been kidding. but She looked so sad...Luna then remembered: Kaia's a good actor...but the aura of her was so low and depressing

 

"Kaia, are you..fooling me..?" Luna said.

 

"Sen's Dead Luna...."

 

"But she cant be!" Luna said. "She...she cant! if it was a heart attack, she could still of li--"

 

"Sen's Dead Luna! She's not coming back! You cant change that!" Kaia shouted at her. Luna finally looked at her eyes, there were blood-shot, from probaily crying before "You cant bring her back from the dead! Nobody can!"

 

Luna bit her bottom lip, trying to stop it from quivvering. She looked at her friend

 

"So...What are you going to do...?"

Yeah, A Cliffhanger. I have what Kaia's gunna do, but I need to lay it out.

 

[Liz!]

*falls off cliffie and dies*

I like where this is going, please keep going.

Oh, I can beta if you want.

 

[Tamakiddy!!]

ok, sure

Its good thinking of the plot for this when I listen to MCR and FOB o.o

 

[Tamakiddy!!]

I have the other part...short like before

"...So what are you going to do?" Luna asked.

 

"I..." Kaia looked up "I dont know yet... we're only sixteen...But Sen wants me and Yazi.."

 

"Yazi? why her?" Luna interupped

 

"How the heck should I know? well, anyways, she wants both of us to take over for her..her will." Kaia said, awnsering Luna's question

 

"Give it time to thi-"

 

"Kaia!" a voice called

 

The two looked over, and a young girl ran over to them

 

"Hi Hailey." Kaia said

 

"Darn, ever since Sen died, you need to do a freakin' blood test to get in this place.." Hailey sighed. "Hey, come on Kaia. We're going Moter biking now."

 

"Luna--?"

 

"No, its ok. you go Kaia. Ill stay here.."

 

 

Kaia smiled weakly, and after Hailey screamed "KAIA COME!", she ran off, snatching up her helmet on the way. Luna fell to the bench again. Sen was dead. Kaia was right, she couldent bring her back from the dead. She looked over the fence a few metere's away, and heard the start of four low moter bike mufflers.

 

But what will Kaia do once she decides? take over for sen competley? Go off somewhere and work on what Sen wanted? Luna didnt really See Sen alot, or even know what Sen was doing before. Luna opened up her Locket that she had around her neck. A photo of her, Kaia, Sen and Yazi was in it. it was when they were ten..Sen was 15 at the time. Luna sighed and shut the locket. She smiled hopefully that her friend wouldent leave her.. She hoped...

 

[Liz!]

[email protected]

If you want be to beta, just send them. So yeah..

 

[Tamakiddy!!]

New part

Years passed. Luna and Kaia had gotten older, but they were still tight friends. then one day, Luna's dread came.

 

They were in the Living room of the orphanage, Luna working on a project, Kaia playing her video game

 

 

"Kaia, what will you do now? We're almost of age to leave the orphanage..." Luna asked.

 

 

"Im joining the Mafia." Kaia replied simply, not looking up from her game.

 

Luna nearly had a heartattack. The Mafia? Who gave her the crack?

 

"Are you serious!?" Luna said, jumping up from her seat, knocking her paper everywhere.

 

"Yes, Luna. your not my...mom" Kaia said, straining on the last word.

 

Luna glared at her friend. Her entire male side of the family had been in the Mafia, and all ended up dead after a few years.

"Your sure, arnt you? Your going to end up dead! its Madness! Why the gods would you want to be in the Mafi-"

 

"LUNA! JUST SHUP THE HELL UP!" Kaia screamed. she grabbed her game case, elbowed Luna to the side as she walked past, and ran up the stairs to her room. a few moments later, Luna heard a door slam.

 

Yazi, who was sitting quietly in the corner, said,

 

"You really screwed up, didnt you?"

 

Luna ignored her. She knew she would fight with Kaia, thats what happend in friendships, but she just flung out at Kaia. she crouched down and picked up her sctterd papers.

Mmmmmhmmmmm, there's the cliffhanger part

 

[Zoria]

Ok, who knows my characters?
Luna ( a new one ;P)

Kaia

Yazi and

Sen

Well, here's a bit about Luna: she's Kaia's best friend and stuff, and this story is based around they're friendship

Here's a bit, and there is not grammar and stuff..

Luna was outside on the back step, throwing a rock in the air. glancing over, she saw Kaia

 

"Finally!" Luna said, smiling and standing up "What took you so lon-"

 

"Sen's Dead."

 

Luna stopped, her mouth opened in shock. Sen was dead? Kaia must of been kidding. but She looked so sad...Luna then remembered: Kaia's a good actor...but the aura of her was so low and depressing

 

"Kaia, are you..fooling me..?" Luna said.

 

"Sen's Dead Luna...."

 

"But she cant be!" Luna said. "She...she cant! if it was a heart attack, she could still of li--"

 

"Sen's Dead Luna! She's not coming back! You cant change that!" Kaia shouted at her. Luna finally looked at her eyes, there were blood-shot, from probaily crying before "You cant bring her back from the dead! Nobody can!"

 

Luna bit her bottom lip, trying to stop it from quivvering. She looked at her friend

 

"So...What are you going to do...?"

Yeah, A Cliffhanger. I have what Kaia's gunna do, but I need to lay it out.

Nice story TK, but slow down. o.o

Luna was outside on the back step, throwing a rock in the air. glancing over, she saw Kaia
"Finally!" Luna said, smiling and standing up "What took you so lon-"

"Sen's Dead."

To start off, you should Spellcheck. Realize that you forgot Capitals and periods.

Second of all, the story is moving way too quickly. You need to work on your pacing. It would be better if you try something like:

Luna was outside of her house, sitting on the back step. She sighed and picked up the nearest rock, flinging it far away into the air. It hit the ground with a soft thump.

You should wait awhile before introducing the problem to the story. Saying Sen is dead in the first paragraph isn't so smart. Wait a chapter or two... or wait a few paragraphs before introducing the problem.

Luna stopped, her mouth opened in shock. Sen was dead? Kaia must of been kidding. but She looked so sad...Luna then remembered: Kaia's a good actor...but the aura of her was so low and depressing
"Kaia, are you..fooling me..?" Luna said.

"Sen's Dead Luna...."

I like how you did the first paragraph. Just take out where you said "She looks so sad..." just leave that out. You repeated that she was sad. It just dosen't fit right.

Where you said "Sen's Dead Luna...", you capitalised the 'D' in dead for no reason. Once again, spellcheck.

"But she cant be!" Luna said. "She...she cant! if it was a heart attack, she could still of li--"
"Sen's Dead Luna! She's not coming back! You cant change that!" Kaia shouted at her. Luna finally looked at her eyes,  there were blood-shot, from probaily crying before "You cant bring her back from the dead! Nobody can!"

Nice paragraph again. Just spellcheck. xD

Luna bit her bottom lip, trying to stop it from quivvering. She looked at her friend
"So...What are you going to do...?"

Cliffhanger. xD

I think your real good at writing. You just need to work on your grammar and the writing a little bit.

 

[Tamakiddy!!]

I know I move too fast Zoria. I need to work on that Most of my stories only take a few days to write

I just wrote it on Tamatalk into the post. I didnt write it into Mirco Word

 

[Zoria]

I know I move too fast Zoria. I need to work on that Most of my stories only take a few days to write
I just wrote it on Tamatalk into the post. I didnt write it into Mirco Word

Next time, try a writing program and look over your story before you post. It'll look alot more presentable if you do.