A story I'm writing

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White_Roses

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So this book I'm writing is about two kids who are 13 and they like each other but they don't know it and then a portal to an evil dimension opens and they have to save the world! *puff puff* lol...

So I haven't written much, but this is it so far:

Amelia sighed as she watched James. Even though they hardly knew each other, his blue eyes made her smile and she felt as if she had known him for years. They hardly ever talked. Somehow, they knew each other's names before they had met. Amelia had decided he was one of the reasons she acted crazy all the time. Even yelling out random words like fish in the middle of a shopping center. He'd appeared in many of her dreams when she wasn't even thinking about him. She was so shy all she could say to him was hi.

Amelia blinked and realized James was watching her. It's a little hard not to look at someone directly opposite you on a table, but he was looking her in the eyes. She blushed, then just smiled and went on with her work.

James smiled back at her, even though she wasn't watching. He thought it was cute how she could never figure out what she was saying, and ow she covered her mistakes by waving her arms about in the air and yelling "Blabthp." or any other gibberish word that came to her mind. It was easy to make her smile because she laughed at almost everything, and he liked her smile. Her eyes where always wondering, looking for something.

They didn't know it, but they had been in love with each other since they day they had met. There was a reason. But that reason was only for a Goddess's mind.

Well, that's actually not all of it, but that's all I can be stuffed typing now.

 
Here's a little bit of constructive criticism.

This piece of writing is too sketchy. Not strong enough for an introduction.

You can start it like this, but it makes me bored and doesn't grab my attention.

Who are these two people? How did they exactly meet? How old are they?

"Amelia sighed as she watched James. Who is Amelia? Even though they hardly knew each other, his blue eyes made her smile and she felt as if she had known him for years. When did they meet? They hardly ever talked. Yet, they were madly in love? Somehow, they knew each other's names before they had met. Amelia had decided he was one of the reasons she acted crazy all the time. Even yelling out random words like fish in the middle of a shopping center. Okay, random .xD He'd appeared in many of her dreams when she wasn't even thinking about him. She was so shy all she could say to him was hi.

Amelia blinked and realized James was watching her. It's a little hard not to look at someone directly opposite you on a table, but he was looking her in the eyes. She blushed, then just smiled and went on with her work.

James smiled back at her, even though she wasn't watching. He thought it was cute how she could never figure out what she was saying, and ow she covered her mistakes by waving her arms about in the air and yelling "Blabthp." or any other gibberish word that came to her mind. WOAH, wait. It's from his perspective now? o_O And that was one long sentance. xD It was easy to make her smile because she laughed at almost everything, and he liked her smile. Her eyes where always wondering, looking for something.

They didn't know it, but they had been in love with each other since they day they had met. There was a reason. But that reason was only for a Goddess's mind. That last sentence made me laugh.

 
I don't get any of it so that means it's great! XD the harder for me to understand, the more of good writing it is.

:furawatchi:

 
I agree with Tamagirl_Desy. It's good But I think the real problem is the introduction doesn't exactly catch the reader's attention. Try a bit more....Epicness. I know it sounds dumb but you need more like....Colorfulness. It's ok though.

 
Yeah... I am agreesing todays with DS and TD..

But otherwise, it could make an... interesting... story :D

Please be stuffed to type it all out :D ;) :p :p ;) :eek:

Best Wishes

barky

 

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