All the jokes I have are kinda racist.
Oh, i've got a few.
1) Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
2) A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?".
The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
3) When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, scientists spent a decade and 12 billion dollars to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging frombelow freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
4) This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."
5) Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
6) A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."
7) John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'
'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete a** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'
'He's an idiot,' John said. 'pi** on him.'
'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'
'Well, screw him!' said John.
'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'
8) My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that
always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the
store on Brunswick Street , the quarters she gave me for meaningless
jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all
good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of
grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 10.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda
bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me
that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
"And remember always this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..
"Makes your d*** look bigger."
9) When four of Santa's elves
got sick, the trainee elves did not produce Toys as fast as the regular
ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus
told Santa her Mother was Coming To visit, which stressed Santa even
more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
them were About to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were
out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the
Floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys Were
scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of Apple
cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he
discovered the elves had drank all The Cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally Dropped The cider jug, and it Broke
into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went
to get the broom and found the mice Had Eaten all the straw off the end of
the broom. Just then the doorbell Rang, and irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said Very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you
like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little
angel on top of the Christmas Tree.
10) A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! ? Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!
11) In the beginning, God's alarm clock went off at 7:00 a.m.
God got out of bed, said, I hate Mondays!, and then created the heavens and the earth.
God Said, Let there be light! and there was light, and God saw that it was good. And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And that was Tuesday.
And God said, let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let dry land appear, and it was so. And because he had some time before quitting time and he had to look busy, God added some grass and trees and stuff. That was Wednesday, and God was glad to be past Hump day.
On Thursday , God was already thinking about what he was going to do that weekend, so he didn't get much done, just some lights in the heavens to rule the seasons, and a few stars.
And God said, Thank Me it's Friday! He created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: And God saw that it was 3:30 so he said, That's good enough, and he was out of there.
On Saturday God had to do some work he brought home from the office, so he threw together some beasts of the earth, and cattle, and everything that creepeth upon the earth, and as an afterthought created a creature in his own image and put him in charge of the other things, so God would be on time to his scheduled tennis game. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.
And on the seventh day, God wanted to rest but there was a lot of yard work to do, and and then a football game to watch, so the weekend was blown and the next day it would back to the same old grind.
12) President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really. What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaims, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you. No one gives a s**t about the 140 million Muslims."
13) A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special".
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!" The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES,PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!" And doing so draws and even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are you saying that?
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I AM BEING SCREWED!!
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.
)
Hilarious. No offence to any blondes though :furawatchi: 
