Keys Of Hell

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jordan380

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Location
England
Manhattan

1995

An albanian saying"there are no keys to hell-the doors are open to all men"

1

The dream was always the same.Plunging into the marsh, forcing his way through the reeds and mist, pushing the punt hard, Guilio Orsini standing at the front finding the way through and then the engine close by breaking into life and a burst of machine-gun fire.

Guilio went over head-first, always did, and Chavasse floundered through the reeds and the bitterly cold water and then, mysteriously, like a curtain, the reeds parted and there was the lagoon and the oat, the Buona Esperanza, and Orsini was at the rail leaning over, hand out-stretched."now, Paul, Now."

And Chavasse reached and the mist seemed to increase and there was the roaring of the engine and the boat slapped away, vanished, and he was alone again.

Chavasse was subject to dreams of the past, and had always suspected it was a legacy of hi Vreton father. An old race, the Bretons, an ancient people.But this he had not had for some years.Still...he got off the bed, went to the window of his suite and looked down at Manhattan. The lights sparkled in the evening dusk. He liked New York and always had. There as an excitement there, an infinte probability to things.

When the phone went he answered at once,"Chavasse."

"Ah, Sirl Paul. Tino Rossi."

"Good Evening, Mr Rossi."

"Listen, I know we're meeting later for dinner at the Saddle Room, but I wondered wether you'd mind coming round to my apartment at the Trump Tower first."

 
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Okay.

The 'chapter' was two really long run on sentences. In a real book, chapters are at least 5 pages long.

 

The way you worded the story made parts of it hard to understand.

pushing the punt hard
This makes no sense. What is a punt?

Chavasse floundered through thereeds and the bitterly cold water
Who is Chavasse? Take the time to introduce all of the characters. Not doing so doesn't make the story mysterious, it makes it even more confusing.

The first 2 chapters to ma story
First two chapters? Looks like two sentences to me.

maybe a story conest is in order
Why would you hold a story contest for the book YOU'RE writing? :\

Also:

The first and second 'paragraphs' are actually looooong run on sentences. It makes the story even more confusing. It's okay to break sentences up.

 

I think you use to many descriptive words too, and the plot [if any] gets lost.

 
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I HAVENT FINISHED THE CHAPTER YET AND IT HAS COMAS IN IT!!!
just adding comas dont make the run on sentence any better.

comas are over used so much.

even if the sentance has comas, it doesnt mean its not run on.

you have to use them right.

 
Relax, don't get angry, after all you're the one who wanted comments on your story. To me, it's confusing. And it's a pretty short chapter, not very interesting and you didn't take the time to introduce the characters and what's going on in the story.

:furawatchi: GotchiGirl96 :D

 
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